s p a r k l e
f l i r t
b l o g
Saturday, March 10, 2001
I guess you can never really get over your exes. Well, you can, but never 100%. There will always be that 0.0001% of you that still belongs to that person. As badly as they may leave you, as not perfect as it was, as much as you don't want to admit it - it's true. You will always look at them and think what if...? What if things had been different? What if this had happened instead? What if, what if, what if? You'll look at them and wonder how they see you. If they think the same things. You'll look at their new girlfriends, and wonder how similar they are to you. Wonder what he tells them about you. Wonder what it all means.You move on as you have, and it doesn't matter. It's in the past, it doesn't change the present. It shouldn't anyway. Things are very different now.
So why is there iffiness in my heart?
posted by Erica at 2:46 AM
Thursday, March 08, 2001
The voices in my head are hilarious! They make me laugh out loud. As a result people think I’m crazy.In my Psychology textbook I’ve been reading about Attraction, Intimacy and Love. And they all make sense – I believe these theories. The only problem is putting these things into practice.
I would rather have never had any boyfriend than have gone through the dumb-ass, horribly embarrassing relationships that I have had. Especially the dumb-ass, horribly embarrassing ways I dealt with the break-ups. I must be one of the biggest losers.
I wish and want and feel so many different things. I never want to get married. I never want to have to face the judgement of myself and my husband. I want to fall in love. I want to be ravaged by a man that loves me. I want my life to be private from those I hate and those that hate me. I want certain people so far away from me and others to be right here right now. I can’t be satisfied.
I want to be one of those innocents – pure. That I could say that I held out, that I wasn’t so easily swept away by the current. That I could say that I never made any mistakes.
I would rather have never been kissed, and not know what it’s like, than be missing it right now.
I think I know myself too well – that’s why I get so easily depressed.
posted by Erica at 11:27 AM
Wednesday, March 07, 2001
He talked to me today for the first time in a long time. Just me. And he seemed to speak in a softer tone, just a little tired, but wanting to say hello. It made me happy.Later, I learned that he's been seeing another girl for a little while now. I didn't know that.
I guess he must be enjoying his new found popularity.
posted by Erica at 10:52 PM
He had glasses. And he cracked a joke as he entered the room. There was a stripe across his sweater and his hair was black and spiky. I saw him glance up at me just a little bit away. In a crowded room, he noticed me. Good.
posted by Erica at 7:15 PM
I hate waking up from naps with my heart racing.
And I wish I had the freedom to not care what others think. To just have something happen to me. Because my life has been at a standstill. Not going anywhere. Just lifeless. Why is it so hard?
I need to fall in love.
Maybe I should hit on him. He seems pretty susceptible right now.
I’m trying to search for a place where I can indulge in my need for someone else. Where can can get relief from this loneliness. Where I can forget that I ever felt this way. Disappointed – I find nothing.
I wonder if I look very different when I get dressed up? When I go clubbing, I seem to be a lot more popular than usual. I suppose it may just be the nature of the setting – people are never so bold as when they’re in a meat market. But without the sexy clothing, the done hair and the make-up – do I look even vaguely like myself? Would someone be disappointed to find out that I’m not as pretty the next day?
posted by Erica at 4:24 PM
I’m listening to Joe Cocker’s “You Are So Beautiful” with J's friggin’ rave music thumping through my ceiling, and it feels pretty lonely in here.
posted by Erica at 12:49 AM
Tuesday, March 06, 2001
We would talk in whispered tones, softly, softly. We would talk about ourselves, talk about what we wanted. Intimacy comes before love? We had intimacy. We had lots of it for just a month. Love never came. He was smart. He knew how to make me want him more and more. He knew what I wanted, and he would hold it back… because he knew the anticipation increase my desire. He knew I had a fascination with it. And he used it against me. I knew what he wanted, and I told him it couldn’t happen. Neither of us got what we wanted in the end.posted by Erica at 6:21 PM
Okay I can imagine my life as this great big plain in front of me. Perhaps there are dips. Perhaps there are mountains. So where is everything else? Is HE hiding somewhere? Where is 30 years from now? Where is 5 years from now? Where is tomorrow? Where is my graduation, my marriage, my death? Where are the bad times, the good times? Okay, so I’m not so optimistic. Okay, so I have no idea what I’m doing. There is no plan.
posted by Erica at 2:41 PM
Last night I got into one of my stress induced depressions. I was lying in bed just letting bad memories flood me. And I re-realize things about myself, things that never change. Like my tendency to repress emotions, my tendency to let anger sit and brew, my self-absorption, my bitterness. And I cried and felt like slitting my throat. I couldn't sleep and I hated everyone. I finally fell asleep sometime around 3:30 A.M..
I woke up, and I felt fine.
And my brain realizes how silly, how adolescent, how typically angsty I am. But it's all very real when you're feeling it.
I know that he wants to help, that there's this slight desire for him to be my knight in shining armour, and I want to tell him that really there's nothing he can do. The best thing he can do for me is be patient and leave me alone when I get like this.
posted by Erica at 12:35 PM
Monday, March 05, 2001
Silent eye contact is the sexiest flirting ever. You see him and you see that he sees you. Do you stare back or do you look away? This time I stared back... and for a few seconds more than can be dismissed as casual, random looking, we stared at eachother until we passed each other.A friend once told me that the next step is to smile back - but I can't - it becomes too obvious then. Just looking and wondering - it makes my heart thump. Just knowing that there was the slightest electricity. Common attraction. That's a whole lot of fun in itself.
posted by Erica at 10:23 PM
I stared at the wall to avoid staring at people. The walls were stone and grey, sectioned off into rectangles, each rectangle held 4 indentations, 2 and 2. I stared at these, thinking that even those dots had a partner.
And I refuse to go to his site. I’ve thought this before, but never enforced it. Never forced myself to block it out. Because there was hope and thoughts where none should exist. And I’m forcing it out of my system. Besides it’s not that great sometimes anyway. I just wanted an in into his head. Something to make me feel close to him. So I can figure him out. Because I don’t know how to define my relationship with him. It’s in reality nothing. Less than I believed.
I’m tired of these things. I guess I should just throw myself into school work. I’ve already wasted half and hour of this morning.
posted by Erica at 7:15 PM
I need the passion. I need the romance. I need my soulmate. I need HIM. I thought I had given up on all this soulmate bullshit, but no. Deep inside I still believe I’ll meet him. That he’ll be incredibly perfect for me. That things will be okay once I finally meet him.
I’ve never had the opportunity to share with someone. Let him in real close. I’ve never done that before. How will I know when I meet him? How will I know how close to let him come? How will I know it’s not just a terrible mistake? I have such a bad image of love – just because I don’t really know what I’m talking about. Because I’ve watched movies and TV and they’ve warped my view. Warped my heart. So much so that I long for something I’ve never had, that I long for something that I miss, though I never had it in the first place. How crazy is that? How crazy am I?
I want to be someone’s angel. Someone’s saint. Someone that makes someone else’s life better and worthwhile. I want to change someone. I want to be the one that person looks to. I want to be someone’s soulmate.
Am I too inconsistent?
posted by Erica at 12:20 AM
Sunday, March 04, 2001
Hope? What hope? What bullshit. I’m so bored right now. I have no chance to go out for a long time. I’m busy busy busy with school. It sucks. I just wish that something more was happening in my life right at this moment. I don’t want to wait for so many months – which is how long it will be until my braces are off, the surgery is done and my face is recovered.I must be manic. I must be crazy.
posted by Erica at 9:46 PM
What am I missing out on? Interest? Life? Spirit? Questions, questions, questions. I can ask and ask and ask and I won’t get any answers and I’ll probably only drive myself more crazy.
I can’t be honest all the time, because if I wrote everything out on mind and put it in public, people would be disgusted with my self-absorption, self-obsession, self-involvement, and self-obsessions.
Then again, as non-productive that night was, it has given me some hope. That my braces are NOT a turn off. That I AM attractive. That I CAN do this. That things can happen to me. That there is a way out, I just have to grab on to it. But then maybe I’m just in some vicious cycle where I can only meet guys in clubs and it turns out very badly. They’ll break my heart. They’ll use me. They won’t really want me. They won’t return calls. They’ll want only sex. They won’t be real. They won’t remember me. They’ll only be doing it for the hell of it.
But still – I have hope. There are possibilities out there. My heart does a little jump as I think about these thigns. I just have to forget all the dead ends in my life. Parts of the past that still hang on and swing around. That haunt me. Dead ends.
All I do is think about these things.
Thumping bass. Is anything more sexy?
posted by Erica at 6:03 PM
Things are just at some sort of standstill that I can’t escape. I should have gone to a bigger university. I should have let him meet me more. I need to be where more people are. Fuck fuck fuck.
So why don’t I have a boyfriend? The question with no answer. The question I’m always asked by well meaning acquantices. Do they understand? I don’t understand.
Is it because I have commitment problems? Is it because I can’t let people close? Is it because I don’t know how to flirt? Is it because I have too much emotional baggage? Is it because I don’t show interest enough? Is it because I have bad timing? Is it because I have bad luck? Is it because I don’t know how to let people close to me? Is it my braces? My lisp? My height? My nose? Am I too different? Do I just blend?
I still remember his hands putting my hands on his hips. And then around his neck. His face close to mine. His eyes staring – drunk? He claims not. There was me, too shy to match his stare. Too sober to excuse myself.
Why am I obsessed? Things like this usually don’t linger on my mind so much. Maybe I had too much fun.
posted by Erica at 4:31 PM
Wow so what am I feeling? Regret? Excitement? Do I feel like I let an opportunity slip me by? Do I feel like I’m just ridiculous and stuff like this should slide off my back?
It’s been a really long time since I’ve been kissed. I wish he would look for me. I wish he would come for me and give me that kiss. Just like a knight in shining armour. For one impulsive moment.
posted by Erica at 2:11 PM
test test test
posted by Erica at 1:31 PM
