s p a r k l e
f l i r t
b l o g
Saturday, March 17, 2001
And I looked up and saw him staring and smiling. Cute guy, but whatever I thought. I was in the middle of something, so I went back to it. But I had a funny feeling about this. I could feel his eyes still on me. He walked past me from behind and I turned to look at him again and sure enough he had his head turned at me. The smile was still playing on his lips. Then it hit me. It was him. My ex. From long ago.Exclamations of recognition followed, and then small talk and smiles. Moments of unsureness and discovery. He didn't even know I went to this university apparently. He was with a girl. I was introduced casually. He went on his way, and I on mine. We smiled our goodbyes.
As everything sunk in, I was shaking with anger, bitterness and cursing.
posted by Erica at 4:32 PM
Thursday, March 15, 2001
So I want to be this normal girl. A girl that goes through life genuinely content most of the time. A girl that has an average amount of self esteem and average amount of self-consciousness. A girl that has a normal amount of friends, and a tight group of really, really good friends that will take her out on her birthday because they know that that's what they're there for. A girl that dates a little in high school until she finds someone good for her and vice versa and stays with that person for a good amount of time, with the inherent ups and downs, until marriage.If I could just have these things, then I'd like to think that I wouldn't complain.
posted by Erica at 12:58 PM
I'm really very good at bottling up my feelings. I know how to pretend to be happy. I don't think twice about it. It's easy for me to store away the dark side when I'm around other people. It's automatic. If someone asks me what's wrong, I don't know how to do anything but say "I'm fine" and smile. I'll throw out an excuse like "I just woke up" or "I'm just tired." In truth I turned the music up loud in my room so no one would here me sobbing.
Not too many people know about my depression. And even those that do, don't know much about it. I don't talk about it seriously. I just can't. Perhaps this is my problem. I have a permanent guard up. I can't let people too, too close to me. There's just too much baggage.
I know I've said this before, but the only thing stopping me from killing myself are my parents. I love them and I would never want them to be hurt by me. If I committed suicide, they would always second guess their own actions, they would be judged by all. I couldn't do that to them, so I never let my thoughts materialize into more than just musings or day dreams.
Ah life goes on. Nothing has changed in mine.
posted by Erica at 12:53 AM
Wednesday, March 14, 2001
Let me be sentimental about my Dad...I was ironing some button-down shirts this morning and I was doing a fairly bad job at it. And I remember my Dad trying to teach me in his systematic, practical manner. Of course, I'm a very bad student when it comes to "practical' things. I still can't iron for beans. I just miss him now, I miss my whole family. It's unfortunate that this month is really busy for me at school, and with other obligations. I can only see him one more time before he leaves for Hong Kong.
I used to call my Dad "Deddy" when I was little. That was how I spelled and pronounced it. My Dad towers over me by about a foot. It was terrifying when I was really little and he carried me on his shoulders because I would be so high up. I remember my parents getting me pink balloons to hold on to at a fair, and being the idiot child I was, I kept letting go of the balloon, and sometimes my Dad would be able to catch it before it floated up into oblivion. If he missed it, they would buy me another pink balloon so I wouldn't cry. Eventually they learned to just tie the string around my wrist, and I would still be perfectly content.
Won't he be lonely in Hong Kong? Won't my Mom be lonely in her empty nest? I'll be lonely knowing he's not at home.
I miss my Deddy.
posted by Erica at 10:24 AM
Tuesday, March 13, 2001
I need to get myself some St. John's Wort. I've talked about this before, in fact, many times. But then things always pass and then I forget that I ever needed it. But I just need something that might help me feel a little less crazy, a little less sensitive, to give me more motivation...I don't know why I got my hopes up. My life is the same uneventful, empty hole.
posted by Erica at 6:07 PM
How do I know that he wasn't just looking at me because he knew I thought he was cute??
How do I know that he won't just agree to see me because he feels like he's obligated to??
How do I know that he'll even say yes??
How do I know if this will even work out??
How do I know how do I know how do I know???
posted by Erica at 1:42 AM
Monday, March 12, 2001
You know what, it's okay. No, it really is.Things are starting to come about in my life, and in fact, last night I was getting really excited about them. I have a phone number that I'm to call to set up a blind date. And on another hand, a friend wants me to meet a her friend's friend. You know, for a reason. And I need this. It's late in coming. It's time to stop holing up and starting going out. So I'm having a good time. Anticipation can be half the fun. Even if things don't pan out, I'll still get something out of it. I think it's time.
posted by Erica at 11:06 AM
Okay, fine he's happy. Okay, fine it has nothing to do with me. It's just fine, fine, fine.
I wonder if she knows anything about me. I wonder what it would be like to meet by accident. Would she know who I was? What did he tell her about me? What does she know? I know that I would recognize her - I just wouldn't know how to act.
But why should I be surprised? I more or less disappeared from his life. Only my own naïvity kept me believing that he was the same.
The world can change without me in it. I'm not important to him anymore. Of course I'm not.
posted by Erica at 9:46 AM
Sunday, March 11, 2001
There's something very surreal about love. And I've been unaware of the romantic kind for the last long while. And just last night I was showing them his page. And I realized that I barely knew him. That he had really changed and become a stranger. Why does this surprise or disturb me? I realize I really fucked up. Seeing it really dredged up memories that I worked hard to bury. And I just started to remember all the feelings associated with all that - with all my ex-boyfriends. That funny ache, the bobbing of my heart, the heaviness of my lids as my hands cover my face.When will the chance for that ever come along again? Will anything remotely romantic ever happen to me again? Do I get to love a man? Do I get to love? I seem immune. I'm a freak. I'm a freak.
posted by Erica at 11:51 AM
I just went to his site - he's my ex. Seeing it made me feel weird. I guess that whole aspect of my life is filled with regret. I haven't seen him or that group of friends we were a part of for a long long time. I'm just sorry about how our... relationship ended up. And what it ended up becoming. And how they all make me feel so insecure. How I hate them, but I also have a morbid curiousity about them and a desire to look good to them. But why should I have to prove myself to them? It doesn't matter - I won't have the oppurtunity to anyway. I don't need the backstabbing anyway. There's no clean way to fix things.
Oh my God. Fuck them. Fuck him. But I'm the bitch. He's kinda justified in hating/not caring about (same thing, same intentions) me. I just wish there was some way of explaining myself.
posted by Erica at 12:51 AM
