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Saturday, March 24, 2001
I think I know the reason why I was so upset to bump into my Ex on Saturday (the 17th)... Just in and of itself, it was a surprise - not a pleasant one. What was he doing in my world... It felt like an intrusion. I'd like to keep our worlds separate.The deeper reason for my upset came to me as I was reading some old guestbook messages from friends on my AA page. There was one from him - it was old, from before we were even together. And it reminded me of what our friendship used to be. He was so goofy, and we had inside jokes together - we laughed a lot together. Even when we were going out it was like that. We had a good time. It was a cool friendship. And now it's all ruined, he's like a stranger - but worse. He's a stranger with whom I have a past with.
The kicker is that it's probably all my fault that our frienship is ruined.
posted by Erica at 1:04 PM
Starry eyed I allow myself to fall... And by doing this, I risk it all. I risk the hurt, the tears, the heart brokenness, the ache, the sadness.
And I do it anyway. I do it for the sake of hope. The hope of something that could be so right for me. The hope that this is it. The hope that I could finally get something that I've needed for so long...
posted by Erica at 2:36 AM
Friday, March 23, 2001
He laughed at my jokes. He thought I was cute. He thought I had a great smile. None of what he said souded like a line. He got me water, and brought me napkins. He wants to see me again.He was the sweetest guy...
And it's so hard not to get my hopes up again. I can already see things happening, but I know that I need to be careful about how far I let my excitement take me. He's supposed to call next week, and I don't know if I can wait that long!
posted by Erica at 5:31 PM
I can't describe how deliriously happy I am right now...
Infatuation is great that way.
His fingers were intwined with mine. As he leaned in close I could feel his skin on my shoulder... And I exhaled and allowed myself to close my eyes briefly.
Even if nothiing happens... even if he never calls... this was still the best time I've ever had meeting a guy.
posted by Erica at 10:25 AM
Thursday, March 22, 2001
I slept in today but I was still completely exhausted. A large cup of coffee only succeeded in making me fidgety for the class I managed to show up for. There I was twirling my pen, tapping my feet, touching my hair, and changing seating positions constantly in a lecture about "Sexual Variations." People must have thought that the topic was making me anxious, when in fact I couldn't keep my mind focused on the material.My mind was wandering instead. Wandering to what? I'm fairly predictable, I'm sure you can guess what I thought about. Love, life, infatuation, boys, rejection...
posted by Erica at 12:13 PM
Wednesday, March 21, 2001
It took me just a bit too long to recognize him (this seems to be a recurring problem for me). He smiled at me, but seeing the blankness in my eyes, went back to what he was doing quickly. I realized who he was after his back was already turned to me. What do I do? What do I do? I have to do SOMETHING. So I gathered up all my nerves and called out his name.He turned around and was so cute. We made small talk. At one point in the conversation, he was showing me something. I leaned in close for just a few seconds to take a look... His eyes looked straight at mine the whole time we talked. I love that. Anyway, I made myself explain my side of the situation - everything that was happening around us. It was a little awkward, but he was cool with it. So I'm not sure what impression I left on him. I don't think he left wanting to ask me out or anything like that though, unfortunately. Both so shy. Without any initiative, nothing further will happen.
posted by Erica at 4:33 PM
Tuesday, March 20, 2001
I like to imagine that anyone that catches my eye, for more than just a second, is incredibly attracted to me. Actually, why am I lying? I don't imagine, I believe. They must be in love with me. They must find me irresistable. I am not dreaming it.I believe that their voices are softer when they speak to me. I believe that their eyes can't stop themselves from creeping back to mine. That they aim for my heart, my attention.
Their desire fuels my own.
It's love at first sight, isn't it?
posted by Erica at 5:47 PM
I'm so angry sometimes. And I repress it all, which makes it worse. So angry.
I heard S. talking about suicides in the residence. I thought that was freaky. But she mentioned that it must be quite common. I realized that was true. Before I had thought that if I had committed suicide here I would have cursed this place. But that's not true anymore.
posted by Erica at 10:52 AM
Honesty seems to be a recurring issue for couples. I'm not speaking from personal experience, at least I think I'm not. For example, the girlfriend lies, but she doesn't mean to. She definetly doesn't mean to. She doesn't mean to start weaving a web of lies. She doesn't know how to fix things to save her relationship. She doesn't know how she got into such a big mess. The boyfriend always, somehow, manages to find out and then he threatens to break up with her. She is devastated and cries. She is sorry.
I'd like to think that I wouldn't lie, once in a real relationship. I'm incredibly naive though.
Perhaps I would be better off as the one that gets lied to. My gullibility and trust in the things that people say make me a perfect target.
posted by Erica at 12:05 AM
Monday, March 19, 2001
Have I told you how many second thoughts I have? They're horrible things, aren't they? They make you doubt, obsess, question and regret.Should I be here right now? What if I had gone into something else? If only I had done this. My timing was off... Who have I become? How did it get like this?
My life would be different. Perhaps. Would it be better? I don't know. No one knows. How can anyone know? It's too late to change things now.
What makes us make the decisions we make? What makes us do the things we do? I'm sure that there is a complex web of social, environmental, biological, emotional and psychological reasons for everything. Maybe it is all beyond our control because there are too many factors playing a role in our decisions. I don't know if that is reassuring or not.
posted by Erica at 3:38 PM
Sunday, March 18, 2001
I wish it was all that simple. To be normal. Why does it look so easy for other people? What happened to me that made me so different? Why can't I just be in ignorant bliss of my own issues?What am I hoping for? A future? Am I waiting for something brilliant to happen so that I can be content? A knight in shining armour? Could I win the lottery of life?
How do I know it's going to happen? How can I carve out my own niche? On my own - it's so lonely. I don't think I can do it. I think I am beyond being saved. No one could possibly rescue me.
posted by Erica at 8:30 PM
Tonight I was surrounded by a lot of drinking people (being St. Patrick's Day and all). I had a moment of clarity in all the craziness. People were just talking about nothing, and I had nothing to contribute - I was lost in thought. And I thought about all my delusionalness. Thinking about how gullible I am and how easily I can fall, I realized that I have been treated pretty badly by guys. Me with all my soft-heartedness, a complete push-over. And I don't know how to protect myself without completely shutting everything out. And yet I want it all. I don't know how to find a medium.
posted by Erica at 1:53 AM
