Saturday, April 07, 2001

I have to be careful not to let my self-hatred consume me. I must be careful not to give my heart full rein. I need to be careful about how I deal with things.

I don't want to screw things up.
posted by Erica at 2:00 AM

Friday, April 06, 2001

It was easy to be with him...

However at the end of the date, when I was saying good-bye, I told him about Guy #1. I told him I was sorta seeing someone else. And he was cool with it... I couldn't have asked for a better reaction. He said he liked getting to know new people... I told him that since we would both be in the city this summer, I expected him to keep in touch. He said he'd ICQ me... and I believe him.

It's a huge, huge load off my shoulders.

Now if I could just get a hold of Guy #1 tonight...
posted by Erica at 11:13 PM

Why do I feel an impending sense of doom?

I have a feeling that my heart has led me into a big mess that I won't be able to get out of.

My brain is still functional, right?

I wish someone would just put me out of my manic misery.
posted by Erica at 7:37 PM

I love that feeling... when a tingle goes through your whole body...

It's when a certain song touches you and makes you feel like you're part of it and feeling it and grooving to it... It's when you think about that person that you care about... It's when you think of your family and you miss them but you're comfortable in the fact that they love and support you... It's when you see the sky a beautiful shade of indigo and the stars are out and a cool breeze that brushes past your cheek and arms...

It's the best feeling...
posted by Erica at 3:03 PM

Sometimes I'm convinced I'm manic. When I get PMS, I get so depressed I'm suicidal... When I get happy, I'm so happy I throw my whole heart into things.

Also, some words that were used to describe me in the last little while:

"excitable" (that was Guy #2)
"aggressive" (that was Guy #1)
"shy" (that was Cold Soba, my pen pal, I don't know if he's discovered that I've restarted this webpage yet)

Sometimes I think I need Prozac. Other times I think I need Valium. I don't know what's wrong with me.
posted by Erica at 2:08 PM

It is through the love I have for everyone that I find self worth.
posted by Erica at 2:30 AM

In a perfect world everyone would be happy. In a perfect world I could have both Guy #1 and Guy #2.

Things with Guy #1 are going so well. I don't see anything going wrong. The only thing is that after final exams are done, there's some uncertainty... because we won't be in the same towns... and the term after that he'll be graduated and I'll be here - a student for 2 more years.

This is such a grey area... I guess we'll see how things with Guy #2 go tomorow.
posted by Erica at 1:07 AM

Thursday, April 05, 2001

Meeting Guy #1 at the library to study today. I'm going to his place for dinner tonight... that should be fun cause I've never seen his place before.

On the other hand, I just saw Guy #2 on ICQ and gave him my phone number so he can call me about Friday.

And then I'm taking Guy #1 out for dinner Saturday!

So far so good. :)
posted by Erica at 11:56 AM

Things with Guy #1 are going well. I feel so mature, because for the first time in a relationship, I really appreciate all the time we spend together. That sounds like such a simple statement, but I'm realizing that it's never been like that for me before.
posted by Erica at 2:26 AM

Wednesday, April 04, 2001

I think I'm going to cry...

I've been thinking about how quickly the end of the term is approaching. I'll actually be moving back home in less than 3 weeks. I miss everyone already. I'm ready for the beautiful, beautiful weather of summer, and just bumming around the city, exploring, being creative, relaxing.... the beach. But summer means separation from my best friends. Separation from my second home here at University. It means being home with my family, but being away from my girls. I'm trying not too think too hard about it, especially since I'll need to be focused on my studies right now.
posted by Erica at 2:03 PM

Tuesday, April 03, 2001

I have a slight problem. I know Guy #2 is at the library right now. I want to go and seek him out... perhaps sit with him? Just to study. But I just made plans to meet Guy #1 at the same library... not on purpose, he was going anyway, and so was I. So if I go... what if Guy #2 sees me with Guy #1? And what if he realizes we didn't just happen to sit together? I do want to see Guy #2 though.

Guy #1 dropped in on me today... He bought me a ticket for this party at the end of the month that he had told me about earlier.

People say that I'm not obligated to tell Guy #1 about Guy #2 because we're not committed. But I'm just kidding myself if I don't think that he intends for it to head in that direction.

God - I'm not that cute. I don't merit this attention. Watch it all come crashing down on me.
posted by Erica at 4:20 PM

I have a feeling that things with Guy #1 will go very well. I'm afraid he might officially ask me to be his girlfriend... and then I'm afraid I won't be able to resist saying yes. My heart just melts when I think about how sweet he is.

I'm actually seeing Guy #2 before I see Guy #1 in a date situation. I might study with Guy #1 this week. We'll see how things with Guy #2 work out.
posted by Erica at 12:08 PM

I think the best thing about not having my mind made up is I'm not getting too attached to either guy. So I'm protecting myself, in a way. This is a good thing especially given my tendency to throw my whole heart into things. So if any damage is done, it will be minimal, hopefully.

At least this whole thing is giving me something to think about other than exams.
posted by Erica at 12:53 AM

Monday, April 02, 2001

So I go through stages...

One stage is where I like Guy #1 more. I remember how sweet he is, and how much he likes me. I remember that he plans on taking me out and calling me. He thinks I'm "so cute." I remember that he's smart and committed to his work.

The other stage is where I like Guy #2 more. I remember how cute he is. I think about how he's effortlessly smart. I think about the little snippets of conversation that we've had - I'm extrapolating a lot, but I think that we might have more chemistry in our conversations.

I might not have to pick between the two. A friend pointed out to me that I should just let it progress naturally, and one will probably work, and one will probably not. Or who knows, Guy #2 might just have the intentions of being just friends. I guess we'll find out later.
posted by Erica at 5:31 PM

Shit, I feel so bad.

My instincts are telling me that I should tell Guy #2 about Guy #1... but everyone is advising me not to. I feel like that's wrong... but I don't know if that's just because I'm not used to dating 2 guys at once, or if it's because I'm more familiar with the nature of the relationships, and I know that someone could get hurt. And that someone could be Guy #2, Guy #1 or myself.

God... I like Guy #1... he's so sweet... he went for me right away. He's considerate, polite, smart, older, great friends, from the same area as me, he's cute, I've been seeing him a week already, and he's just... so nice.

Guy #2 is... well I don't know him as well. But he's a friend of a friend, he came highly recommended, so far he's been easy to talk to, he's an engineer, he's my age, he seems to be really intelligent, he's CUTE...

How do you pick? I finally understand how these things happen...
posted by Erica at 8:02 AM

Yeah baby!! Guess who's arranging a date with Guy #2 right now?

I do feel extremely guilty though... But I guess since both, uh, relationships are very new it's not a HUGE deal... right?
posted by Erica at 1:06 AM

Okay Guy #1 just sent me a "Good Night" ICQ message.... *sigh* I do really like him.
posted by Erica at 12:43 AM

So yeah, I'm playing the field! Crazy!

I'm trying to get that date with Guy #2. I sent him an ICQ message and I guess I'm waiting to see how he responds, if at all.

I saw Guy #1 tonight for a study date. Really uneventful. We just studied at the library. Our timing is bad. Final exams are starting for everyone and it's putting a damper on the excitement that usually accompanies the beginnings of new relationships.

So I guess we'll see what happens with either.
posted by Erica at 12:41 AM

Sunday, April 01, 2001

He asked me out. I was so surprised I only blurted out that I would be out of town for the weekend - which was true. He left... I think he took it as a rejection.

I like both. I like the guy I'm officially seeing more, but the other one is still there...

I felt so bad for him. I'm not sure what to do. I don't want to close the door on him...
posted by Erica at 8:38 PM