s p a r k l e
f l i r t
b l o g
Saturday, April 21, 2001
I'm home now... and it feels good. At the same time I miss the girls... I miss my friends... I miss Guy #1.I changed my bed sheets at home to the ones I had at school. That way I won't feel so second-home-sick.
It's really unpredictable what things will be like this summer. I guess I just have to leave it at that.
posted by Erica at 11:24 AM
Thursday, April 19, 2001
The worst part is when I've unplugged and taken apart the computer. Then I don't even have music to play to block out the sounds of my racing thoughts while I wait alone for my parents to move me out and take me home.posted by Erica at 5:28 PM
I think this will be the last time I blog from here. Today is moving day.
Okay, let's see, what am I looking forward to?
Party with Guy #1 on Saturday
Congee
Shanghainese food
Japanese food
Chiu Chow food
Dim Sum (as much as I hate to admit it)
Mmmm... chicken with green onion/ginger sauce
Going out to the movies
Clubbing (hopefully)
TV to myself
My DVDs
Bubble Tea
Radio stations
Shopping (in malls, downtown)
Reading books, books and more books
What am I not looking forward to?
Appointment with my Dentist
Appointment with my Orthodontist
Appointment with my Oral surgeon
Orthodontic surgery in May
Being accountable to my parents whenever I go out
Distance between me and my beloved friends
posted by Erica at 4:26 PM
I have a lot of friends that have blogs for themselves. Ones that aren't secret, like this one is for me. And I was thinking about why I didn't just have one like that.
I think it's because I am different things to different people. It's very easy for me to tell all, like I do here, when I am sure that it won't be connected with the real me. But the real me, I can't be so honest. I need to be more careful. I need to be more discrete, or else I end up being careless with information I would rather not share with certain people. I want to be more in control, but in a medium like this, I can't. So I'll control things like my identity.
Erica isn't my real name. I'm sure you may have figured that.
posted by Erica at 1:31 AM
Wednesday, April 18, 2001
You have 2 new messages. To play your messages press 1.New message. Sent Monday 12:03 A.M.
"Hi Erica, it's Guy #1 calling, just called to see how you were doing and how your exam went yetserday. I know you have another one tommorow and I'll wish you good luck now. I'll call you when I get back up tomorow, so i'll talk to you later. Good luck and good-bye."
New message. Sent Tuesday 3:30 P.M.
"Hi Erica, it's Guy #1 calling. I just called your place, and your room mate told me that you were going to the library, I wanted to see how long you were staying there because I was thinking of going there in a few hours. So give me a call back, okay? Bye."
Okay, so my misunderstanding. He didn't stand me up. I didn't have my cell phone on me, nor did I check my messages until last night. And to add to it, he had called me over the weekend from home, while I was gushing about Guy #2. I think it's time to stop with my nonsense. I think it's time to let Guy #2 go.
posted by Erica at 6:11 PM
Tuesday, April 17, 2001
Because I'm stupid that way, I can't let my anger fade. It never really goes away.My anger protects me - it makes me believe that I am less vulnerable. It's my armour, my shell.
I don't deserve Guy #1.
posted by Erica at 6:48 PM
Rocks in my heart
Weigh me down.
Unable to fly,
I cannot help
But scream
The fury of a woman
Who feels too much,
Who cannot heal her own wounds,
And can't allow
Others to heal them for her.
posted by Erica at 5:36 PM
I hate being stood up.
I hate it I hate it I hate it.
I'm conditioned to be very pissed off when this happens to me because I had one bad experience with a very inconsiderate boy. So anytime it happens to me, regardless of who does it, I get very, very angry.
posted by Erica at 5:25 PM
I woke up relatively early today.
I think it's because I couldn't sleep without the sound of my mini fridge buzzing next to my bed.
I feel fragmented.
posted by Erica at 9:58 AM
I collect his compliments like candy for my low self-esteem:
"You're cute" (said the day we met)
"Don't worry, you'd still be cute" (said on our first date when I told him about my face being swollen after my orthodontic surgery)
"Your ears are so small... You're so cute!" (said with enthusiasm)
"You've got smiley eyes"
"You've got the cutest smile"
"You're so hot" (said in a moment of passion)
What makes him different, is the sincerity and spontaneity behind all these compliments.
What I appreciate is that he hasn't gotten frustrated with my insecurities. He takes them, and tells me exactly what he thinks of me, and I feel better. What still worries me, is that he might still have me up on some pedestal... where I'm some beautiful, perfect goddess. And eventually I'll fall off that pedestal, and he'd have to see the real me. I don't know how long it will take before I believe that he's seeing me with his eyes uncovered.
posted by Erica at 1:25 AM
You know, nothing has really changed in my life. I still feel like I'm very single. Things with Guy #1 are still very casual, we aren't on the "next level" yet. To tell you the truth, I expect that it will fall apart once the summer starts. We won't even be living in the same town. I brought it up in a moment of intimacy - and he said that we would handle it "a day at a time."
No one will be more surprised than me if it lasts past the summer. No one will be more upset than me if it doesn't - but ah, I can't stop these feelings. My brain and heart exist in two different worlds. And I realize it.
I care about him, but I think I could let him go. I'm not sure how compatible we are on a deep level.
This is a four month summer... we've only known eachother for a few weeks... It's not a strong enough foundation to merit long-distance meaningfullness... and past this summer he'll be in the real world - working. And I'll be a student in another town for another 2 years, and then who knows what.
It's not like I can exactly fall back on Guy #2... It sorta feels wrong on some level. But I don't know if it will turn out that way for him. My feelings for him are that I want to get into his head, and let him into mine.
How do you define relationships?
posted by Erica at 12:20 AM
Monday, April 16, 2001
My parents came over tonight to help move some of my things back home before I officially move out Thursday. My room feels so much more empty now - they took home my fridge, most of my shoes, most of my clothes, the printer, the scanner.... But my mom did bring me fish soup. Just a taste of what it will be like to be living at home again.I can't wait to get out of here, but at the same time I don't want to say good-bye.
posted by Erica at 11:51 PM
Oh I've had such a bad day... I just wish Guy #1 were here with me. Yes... I've given in, and I confess I need him. He should be back tonight.
posted by Erica at 7:04 PM
Sunday, April 15, 2001
So I want to be frank with Guy #2. I haven't had the guts yet - but I really want to talk to him about, uh, circumstances. I don't know. Maybe I shouldn't. But I wish I could get into his head and see what he's thinking about me. I've been talking to him on ICQ still - and our conversations are cool, but not personal.Guy #1 is out of town for the weekend, and it's a nice break, though some of me misses him.
It's hard to know if Guy #2 is interested in me. I know that since he asked me out on a date - though it was only coffee - that he must. But he may have shut that down when I told him about Guy #1. Maybe he only talks to me on ICQ to be nice. Maybe he knows that I'm still interested in him. I hope that this is the case. Hmmm....
posted by Erica at 2:42 AM
I just downloaded a couple of different versions of Al Green's "Let's Stay Together."
There's a live version done by Toni Rich and Joan Osborne. There's a version by Run DMC featuring Jagged Edge. There's a jazz version out there by some artists I've never heard of.
I love this song.
posted by Erica at 12:07 AM
