Saturday, April 28, 2001

It's my own fault. I thought too hard about who I was and where I belonged in this world. If I hadn't done that, things would have dropped out of the sky into my lap - just happening to me. I think that would have been better than struggling, struggling to try to attain the things I actually want that I will never have.

I don't have the power or drive to take control of my own life. But I try anyway...

I want to punish everyone. I want to punish them for not being good enough, or for being better than what I deserve.

I care for Guy #1, but I want to shove him away. He can't possibly absorb all my issues, all my baggage, all my misery. And I don't want to inflict them on him. I don't want him to have the frustration of trying to understand me.

Watch my smile disappear...
posted by Erica at 7:05 PM

Friday, April 27, 2001

I got careless, and he said "Aw... you got a hole in it!"

We laughed. And as we managed to free the poster, we whispered to him conspiratorially "You didn't see nothing!"

He nodded, holding his palms up agreement, "Oh don't worry! I saw nothing."

Getting away with our loot we went giggling down the street. "Good-night girls!" he called after us.
posted by Erica at 2:16 AM

I'm so used to being single. It's so hard to incorporate someone else's life into your own. Not that I have much of a life - I'm just a natural loner.

I wish they had a name for what I have. I'm no Elizabeth Wurtzel but sometimes I do walk through life with some despair. But by some definitions, anyone could be a little crazy. Maybe I'm just individual, different - and isn't that what I wanted in the first place?

I can't write fast enough to contain my thoughts.
posted by Erica at 12:44 AM

I almost cried today while Guy #1 and I were having "the talk." The talk where we figure out where we stand together. And I think it's gonna be okay.

I realized that I never really had a good cry over W. T was different. After I finally made myself break up with T, through e-mail no less, I cried my heart out like there was no tomorow. I sobbed and sobbed on my pillow. The sweet, sweet T that I remember - nothing like the person he is now. But with W - I cried my tears out one at a time. That was one drawn out pain.
posted by Erica at 12:28 AM

Wednesday, April 25, 2001

I hate our circumstances. I almost want to punish him for them. Even though it's not his fault. But I need to lash out at someone because if I don't it'll brew inside of me.

My old best-guy friend once said that my downfall is that I throw my whole heart into things.

I'm seeing Guy #1 tonight for dessert. And I'll ask him then... I'll ask him just when I'm going to ever see him again.
posted by Erica at 7:35 PM

Meaningless. It's all meaningless.

Guy #1 is meaningless. Our relationship is meaningless. Just 2 people thrown together randomly to inevitably fall apart.

Why can't I just find someone just like myself? Why can't we program our own soulmates?

I'd give him the exact same music taste as myself, that evolved like mine. Wannabe trendy, to lashing out rock, to moody grunge, to catchy punk, to all-out alternative, to hip-hop-house club kid. I'd give him the same build as me - slim but toned, but I'd give him many more inches. I'd give him a sense of style - any style, as long as it was thought out. I'd make him well-read and intelligent. I'd make him different enough from his peers to make him an individual, but normal enough to fit in. I'd make him easy-going but discerning. I'd keep him on the same emotional wavelength as myself. I'd make him sweet as sugar but bad enough to be exciting. He'd indulge my quirks, but keep me practical. He'd have an arty side, but a rough side too. He'd understand me, understand art, understand the way the world works.

Joke's on me - this person doesn't exist.
posted by Erica at 1:52 AM

So I've decided to waste more time.

I'm so fucking jealous of him. Him and his intelligence. His awareness. His ability to write. His coolness. I hate him I love him. He's so good at being himself he makes me hate myself even more. He's so confident and I suppose he doesn't have to worry about being "different things to different people."

I hate even more that I know he's read my writing, and he was wowed by it, but he never said a word to me, only to my friend whom he's close to, but never a word out of his mouth in my direction about me.

I hate that we have no chemistry. I hate that it takes more than just a whole lot in common to be close. Because we are not close. And yet - I believe - that inside there's a lot that appeals to both of us in a unique way. It's not enough.

Why am I so obsessed with him? Am I in love with him? No - well maybe at one point I was. But once I realized he didn't even see me, I tried to stop. I tried. But secretly I hoped that my withdrawal would make him want me. Haha... poor illusioned me. Method to my madness? Just the pathetic attempts of someone too chicken to reach out and say something intelligent and real to him.
posted by Erica at 1:12 AM

Tuesday, April 24, 2001

These are all books that I took note to read when I was in my mid-teens. Books by women that had been depressed, or mentally sick. Books that I thought I could relate to. Books to help me figure myself out.

I am not, nor have I ever been like Wurtzel. However, some things that she says near the end of her book really strike a chord. They were true for me at some point. And it helps to hear it from someone else.
posted by Erica at 11:37 PM

I wear socks to bed. "Like an elf" he said.
posted by Erica at 1:58 AM

Guy #1 is busy. Tomorow he's returning to school to move his stuff from his old house to his new one, he'll return Wednesday. He'll be officially moving in for the summer Monday. Thursday til Saturday he'll be driving up to Montreal with his roommates. That surprised me.

I feel sorta dry. I feel like I must be the lamest, most pathetic, clingy person alive for wanting to see him.

It's only been a month and he's not my boyfriend. I keep returning to this fact - I keep coming back to it. I've been counting down the days we've known eachother, thanking myself for each day - amazed that I've survived, amazed that it's lasted.

My thoughts race, is this it? Could he break my record? Could he?? He treats me better than anyone ever has.

He's so mature. I'll cry. I want to cry. I feel like it has to end soon. Fairy tales have endings. Should I end it?? Before he leaves?? If I'm the one to do it, it will give the power to me. I'll feel like I'm the one in control. Because I don't want to lose control like I did with my last ex. I don't want to be the one hurt. I'd rather be the one dong the hurting.

But I like him, I really do. But I know the chances that this is IT are slim. What else am I supposed to do?
posted by Erica at 1:39 AM

Monday, April 23, 2001

But what am I supposed to do this summer? I don't want things to just fall apart because we're not going to be seeing eachother on a regular basis, but I have a feeling things will fall apart. It's so unfair.

I just wanted to tell him that if he made me his girlfriend for real I would have more than enough reason to come up to visit just for him. But he didn't mention anything about me visiting him at school this summer, and I didn't either.

It's too soon for me to have the girlfriend talk with him now, but because of our circumstances...

I know he likes me, that's not a question. But does he like me enough to keep this alive while we're apart?
posted by Erica at 2:29 PM

Sunday, April 22, 2001

I walked into the room at my most vulnerable. There I stood barefoot and in my PJs - hospital pants too big, cinched at the waist and a ratty black sweatshirt. My face was washed clean of my make-up, and my hair was brushed down with a slight kink in it from the high ponytail I had it in all day. He looked up and smiled at me.

When the lights were off and we were tucked in, it was pitch black at first. As our eyes adjusted he said "There. Now I can see your beautiful smile."

That was last night. Right now I'm missing the way the small of his back felt underneath his pyjama top as he moved. Warm and smooth.

I realize desperately - what am I going to do? I'm getting attached to him. And we're at that point where things are going to get rough. He'll be moving again in another week. Away from me. It was different before, when we both lived away from home and 5 minutes from eachother. Where I was free of rules, distance and inconvenience. In another week it will be all to difficult to hang on to eachother.
posted by Erica at 10:20 PM

I was somewhere between the outskirts of Chinatown and graffiti-strewn dollar stores when I realized - God, how I love this city.
posted by Erica at 1:32 PM