Saturday, May 05, 2001

I was laughing so hard...
posted by Erica at 1:58 AM

You know what, Guy #0 says he wants me to talk to him freely. But he still gives me the raised eyebrow look when I say something too quircky. I tried to see how far I could push it, I wanted to see how he would react. And I got silence in return.

When I warn Guy #1 that I'm weird, that I have odd habits, that wearing socks to bed is just the tip of the iceberg, he wants to know more. He smiles at me and touches my nose.
posted by Erica at 1:38 AM

Friday, May 04, 2001

(Oh wait, I was never really in the "Strong Independent Female" club)
posted by Erica at 3:47 PM

Thursday, May 03, 2001

I was talking to my mother on the phone today. I have to be at home to let some workers into our house to replace our blinds. My mom was telling me that one was Thai and that there would be a white guy with him. She told me the name of the Asian worker, and told me that he was very good looking.

"Mom, if I didn't know any better, I'd think you were trying to set me up!"

"Chee seen!" was her response ("crazy!").

I laughed. My mom is so typical.
posted by Erica at 1:05 PM

Gorgeous, gorgeous weather. The night is so beautiful. The darkness sorta soft and velvety. And then the lights... the stars, the city lights. A warm, almost cushiony breeze. I can't get enough...
posted by Erica at 1:49 AM

I haven't seen Guy #1 in a while. I think this is the longest stretch of time we haven't seen each other since we first met. How sad am I that I notice this?

I miss his voice, and how soft it gets when he talks to me. I miss the skin right behind his ear - it's my favorite spot because it's so smooth.

I'm amazed that he likes me. Just the idea of that amazes me. It blows my mind that someone could care for me in that way. I think over the past year before I met him, I became so disillusioned with the idea of love (though it's not love yet, of course). What is love? What makes people love each other? Could what Guy #1 and I have become love? Wow.

You know, I've never had someone tell me that they love me, and vice versa. Those would be 3 very hard words for me to say. I really only plan on ever saying those words to one person in this lifetime - that person would have to be The One. I can't believe I still believe in The One.
posted by Erica at 1:29 AM

Wednesday, May 02, 2001

One of the items I threw out was this piano-shaped musical jewellery box. When I was a girl, it seemed most girls had a piano-shaped jewellery box. Espescially Asian girls burdened by piano lessons by their parents. Mine sat on my shelf holding little knick-knacks. Things that sorta passed for jewellery when I was 8 years old were kept in that musical box. It grew dusty.

I decided to put this jewellery box in the pile of things that I would get rid of. A pile left for my mom to sort. My mom would decide what would be handed down to cousins, what would be tossed, and what would be donated to the Salvation Army.

Tonight my mom was going through that pile. And then I heard it. My mom had opened the piano jewellery box in the next room. I heard the plaintive tinkling of this sad, sad song. My heart melted.

"Oh mom, maybe I'll hold on to that jewellery box..."

I'm weakening. This strong, independent woman is still a little girl inside - dancing to the music of that piano jewellery box.
posted by Erica at 12:07 AM

Tuesday, May 01, 2001

I have a large window in my bedroom that faces north. In the afternoons the sun can make my room glow orange as it sets. It's beautiful.

A couple of summers ago, I would lay a mat on the ground next to the window. I would read on it and eventually fall asleep with the sun shining down on me.

Whenever my mom saw me like this she would say some expression in Chinese ("tam sei gei"???) that meant something along the lines of "enjoying life" or "luxuriating." Something like that.

I think this summer will be like that again for me.
posted by Erica at 7:35 PM

I've been reorganizing my room, sorting through all my stuff. This is becoming a yearly ritual - something I do every time I move back home from school.

I have to thrown things out to make more room in my bedroom. Out with the old, in with the new. I throw out things that no longer hold meaning for me.

My room is still filled with memories though. Shells from the lake I worked at briefly last summer. A cheap strand of beads placed around my neck at a party last year. Leaves from a tree in Jamaica. Sand from Key West. Framed grade school pictures. Every stuffed animal and doll I have ever owned. Most are on the very top shelves of my book shelf. Some special ones, my frogs, are on my bed. My paintings and prints from high school are on display. Postcards that I've accumulated over the years are masking taped into a mural on my closet.

"Banana Boys" by Terry Woo is an excellent book. I just finished it - it's the story of my life, sorta. I loved it so much I really want to contact the author somehow, but I don't have the guts... yet.
posted by Erica at 2:30 AM

Monday, April 30, 2001

What am I doing? I don't know what I'm doing.

Why do I feel like I'm going through the motions of this relationship thing and all the while it feels like I'm still single. Why do I feel like I can't talk to him about stuff that counts? Why is it so hard for me to have important talks? I clam up. I become of pillar of awkwardness. I can't talk about it, but I can write.

Deep inside maybe I know that this won't last. I lack passion for him. Or maybe I'm not giving him a chance to get close to me - dooming this from the start. Baggage baggage baggage.

Can he handle it though? Can he handle me? Do I want him to? Am I using him? I don't want to do that.

I sounded unconvinced when he told me that he calls me because he wants to not because he feels he's obligated to. He's probably telling the truth.

He's so busy all the time. How can he fit me and all my baggage into his life?

I predict that this will fall apart in the summer. I predict that I will fall apart in the summer. There I go - cursing myself again.
posted by Erica at 12:41 AM

Sunday, April 29, 2001

Boyfriend? Who needs a boyfriend? I don't need one of those - I have my... computer... and, um, my books.

*big sigh*
posted by Erica at 9:19 PM

I wonder if I'll start to drive Guy #1 away. I really don't want to burden him with my issues. He deserves better than that. He deserves a happy, baggage-free girl. Little does he know. I can't help it.

How close should I let him? How could he possibly like me? Should I tell him about this blog? My writing? My artsy side? My self-esteem or lack thereof? My depression? My over-emotionality? My over-reactions?

I'm so fucked up. I couldn't let him swallow my sorrows. I wish I could get therapy. I wish I could get help. I wish I could get a prescription. I wish I knew myself, what my problem is, and what the cure is.
posted by Erica at 8:42 PM