Saturday, May 26, 2001

can't wait to hear your wonderful voice on monday =)

Where does he get off sending me messages like that?? We are not close. We are not dating. He knows I'm dating someone else.

*Sigh* Okay, let me explain about him. I met him at D's birthday party in my last year of high school. I don't know, I must have been drunk or something, but I thought he was cute at the time and I flirted with him. At the end of the party he asked for my number, and I gave it to him. I was so excited at the time, but after maybe our second date, y'know, after I got to know him, I realized he was so wrong for me. So I said this to him in the nicest way possible. I said something along the lines of I don't think this is going to go anywhere. I thought he understood at the time.

However, he always flirts just a little too much. I've nicknamed him "The Stalker." I try to be nice, but when I am, he comes on to me full force. I can't stand him. He's annoying. I thought that now that I'm dating someone he would lay off - but he hasn't. The best I can do is just ignore him.
posted by Erica at 3:05 AM

The funniest thing happened to me. This morning I rolled out of bed and went to the washroom to wash up. Then I hear this funny noise coming from across the hall, where my room and the guestroom is. At first I thought it was the sound of my drying flowers falling from the ceiling, but then it continued, and I went to investigate. I look in the guestroom and there's a bird in there. One of those black ones. It was trying to get out through the glass window. I closed the door trapping it in there.

I was originally gonna keep it there until my Dad came home, and I was trying to think of people I could call to get rid of it, but I had no idea. Then I realized it would probably crap all over the place in there, so I decided to get rid of it myself.

I went about closing all the doors to rooms in the house. Bedrooms, bathrooms, the door to the basement... then I grabbed something to swat at the bird. Then I opened the front door and weather door. I opened the guestroom door and it was dead silent in there. I tried stomping my feet but I had no idea where the bird was. I looked under the bed and there it was... then it flew out from under and I actually managed to scream through my elasticed jaws!

It tried for the window, but I swatted it and eventually managed to drive it downstairs and it flew right out the front door. Enough excitement for one day...

So tell me how does a bird get into the house??
posted by Erica at 2:46 AM

Friday, May 25, 2001

We washed up and changed into our pyjamas. Me in hospital pants and a ratty sweatshirt. Him in matching pants and top, just like the pyjamas my dad wears. It was so cute. I was make-up free in front of him for the first time. I crawled into his tiny bed and curled up. He turned out the lights and crawled in next to me.

As our eyes adjusted to the dark, he said "There. Now I can see your beautiful smile."

I don't know yet if he'll ask me to stay with him when I go up to the university to visit everyone. He hasn't yet...
posted by Erica at 3:11 AM

I'm reading "The Bell Jar" by Sylvia Plath right now. And since I had just recently finished "Prozac Nation" by Elizabeth Wurtzel, I'm finding some common features between the two books.

Both books were written by women that were depressed. One fiction and one not. But one common thing between them is their selfishness, self-absorption and disregard for how their actions may affect their families. That's one thing that separates me from them. I couldn't do anything like suicide simply because I don't know if my family would ever recover from it. I couldn't do that to my parents.

Though I admit that when I am at my lowest I am as selfish and self-absorbed as they.

Anyway, yes, I had my spell of Woe is me. But I got over it.

Today I touched paint to canvas for the first time since my last year in high school when I was doing it for art class. I'm not being ambitious, I'm painting a landscape onto a smallish canvas. It's sorta therapeutic, and it's not looking terrible so far. And so tonight I feel better.
posted by Erica at 2:09 AM

Thursday, May 24, 2001

Why is it that I don't believe him? I don't think he means it deep down. How could he possibly care for me? He barely knows me. Then again, I don't think that knowing me better would improve the situation.

What I do believe is that he's saying that he'll see me out of obligation. Because he knows I'll be in town. But he still hasn't mentioned anything about me staying over at his place. Even my friend that I am supposed to stay with may not be able to put me up for more than one night. I'm thinking that this is a bad idea now. Maybe I shouldn't go up at all.
posted by Erica at 12:25 PM

Sometimes I think I am nothing. Regardless of how many people assure me that they care for me. What am I but a puff of air? A wisp of cloud?

As you can tell I woke up depressed today.

You know... those feelings of worthlessnes - they're so familiar. I can't see myself in the big picture.
posted by Erica at 12:19 PM

I'm starting to feel really cranky from being house bound.
posted by Erica at 12:03 PM

I'll be going up to the University to visit with my friends that are on study term a weekend in June. Guy #1 knows, and I'm waiting to see if he'll invite me to stay over at his place or not... He hasn't yet, maybe because he wants to let me visit with my friends. I want to stay with him, but I just can't invite myself to stay at his place. What should I do? I think I've already dropped a couple of hints already, but he hasn't caught on yet.

Maybe he's busy. Maybe he's not comfortable with it - but I know that can't be it because I've stayed with him overnight before. Hmm..
posted by Erica at 1:26 AM

Wednesday, May 23, 2001

Even though it was me that ended the relationship, he was the one that kept his cool. I handled things badly. When I saw him, he would sorta make that extra effort for me. He would do little things, sweet things, to show that I was still special. He would speak to me softly, perhaps because he knew that I was hurting. And I couldn't even look him in the eye. I avoided him and I was so non-responsive, I eventually hardly knew him.

Time passed and I was over him, but I couldn't make the move to be his friend again.

I learned about his new girlfriend, and there were so many rumours going around about them. From what I could tell, she was very different from me. I didn't care so much about that, what I cared about was how much he had strayed from the person I had knew and almost loved.

This is why it meant so much to me when I saw him this weekend. And I'm amazed at how easily it came to me to be comfortable with him. I guess time is the best remedy for awkward situations.
posted by Erica at 1:55 AM

Tuesday, May 22, 2001

I'm petite and CBC (Canadian born Chinese). I like System Design Engineers, especially if they're really nice. I play music.

Pick me! Pick me!
posted by Erica at 3:38 PM

I actually talked to Guy #2 yesterday on ICQ.

I logged on for the first time in a long while. It was early in the day, so not too many people were online, and those that were, were on N/A.

I had been online for a little while, and then I got a message from Guy #2... he was on private.

We talked briefly... not about anything important, just updating each other on things going on. Like his work term and my recovery.

There really wasn't anything special there.

I had to cut our conversation short to get offline.

Still - I feel some regret there. Like I missed out on an oppurtunity with him. Oh well. It's not my fault he has terrible timing.
posted by Erica at 12:56 AM

I saw my ex H yesterday. He's the one that turned from one of the sweetest guys to a complete stranger. A stranger that intimidated me.

I was slightly apprehensive when I knew I would see him. But when I finally did see him, I relaxed. Which is a good thing.

The whole time we were joking around just like old times - like before we ever went out. It was so good. I guess he hasn't changed as much as I thought. He was such a goof - just the way I remember.
posted by Erica at 12:45 AM

Sunday, May 20, 2001

It's been almost 2 months since I first met Guy #1. Two months of it being like this - dating, seeing eachother. That's enough time for me to be sufficiently attached to him.

We get along great. He respects me, he excites me, he cares for me. We don't have conflicts.

There is the issue of this being a long distance relationship now though.

I've seen him every weekend since he left because he's come home all those weekends. But once school starts putting on the pressure, he will understandably come home less. I understand all this, and I don't want to make unnecessary demands on him. That wouldn't be fair.

I wonder if I should let him go. I do something I'm not supposed to - I look to the future. The next time we'll both be in the same town for more than 2 weeks at a time will be a year from now. He'll be in school this summer, and when he finishes, it'll be his graduation. He'll be leaving for Europe for 6 weeks. Soon after I'll be starting school myself, and he'll be entering the real world - working. I'll be in school for 2 terms in a row and then I'll return home next summer.

Only then will we be in the same town.

Now you tell me if it makes sense for us to be together.

Of course it's not a big deal now. We're just dating, it's not too, too serious, we have a good thing. It's fun, it's light. But does it make sense to take it to the next level? Not really. Where does this leave us?
posted by Erica at 9:29 PM

I never claimed to be a great writer. Writing is just a release for me. I've been scribbling down notes in diaries my whole life. It was only a few years ago that I decided to voice these online.

Wow - a few years. That sounds like an almost long time. But yeah.... I was 18 when I started an online diary, and now I'm a few months away from 21.

The best compliments I get are from people that say that my writing brings them to tears.

The worst compliments I get are from people that try to preach to me what kind of person I should be. When they do that, I start censoring myself to please them, but that defeats the point of this whole thing. So I no longer worry about what they think.

Anyway, I try to learn and grow from this - and I think I have.
posted by Erica at 12:15 PM

I've lost a lot of weight since my surgery. Which, in my case, isn't a good thing. I was already thin to start with - I've always been petite. Normally I'm 5'2 tall and around 100 pounds. At the moment I'm at 92.5 pounds.

I've realized different things from this experience. Ironic things. Looking at my body, I was thinking that I refuse to show up in a bathing suit anywhere until I gain my weight back. Which is the opposite from what most women think before bathing suit season. My clothes hang slightly loose on me. I try to cover up with non-clingy clothes.

I want my fat back. I value my fat. My body is harder and leaner without it. I think fat lends my body it's softness and femininity. I want those things back.
posted by Erica at 11:10 AM