Friday, June 01, 2001

I've been there before. I went as part of a school trip back in Grade 9. Oh I wish I were 14 and on that trip again.

My life was this little soap opera back then - actually, I guess it still is. But back then, it was a soap opera where there was one big disaster and I cried, but after that everything was going my way and things were dreamy and euphoric. I remember the stars, the music, the laughter.

Now the soap opera has soured and has gone all stagnant. I feel like I'm in limbo.
posted by Erica at 1:42 AM

Ugh... I just want to hit something.
posted by Erica at 1:33 AM

Okay well next week is when I go up to the university to visit everyone on study term. I'll probably stay with my old unit mate L. After much hinting, Guy #1 finally said that I could stay at his place if I needed to, that he "didn't mind."

I don't think I will.

Maybe I'm just being weird about it, but I don't want to stay with him. He only offered his place because there was a chance that I would have nowhere else to go.

What I really wanted from him, was for him to want me to stay at his place. I wanted him to say that he wanted to see me, that he wanted me to spend more time with him. I wanted him to want me to visit with him.

He knew that I was always planning on seeing L sometime during the summer. I was waiting for him to say that he wanted me to come up to see him too. He never said that.

I don't know why. He probably never thought about it.

But I'm confused. Maybe I'm just being a typical chick, but I hate not having our relationship defined. What am I? I'm not his girlfriend. And yet, our relationship is exclusive. It's been a long while now, what is he waiting for? But this whole thing doesn't make sense. I'm getting a serious case of itchy feet. As in, I want to run. I don't think I'm suited for this relationship stuff. I am especially not suited for this long-distance relationship stuff.

But I think about how sweet he is, and how incredibly good he was to me, especially when I was fresh from my surgery, my heart just melts and I agree with my conflicted self that I will just go with the flow, and let whatever happens, happen.
posted by Erica at 1:30 AM

Thursday, May 31, 2001

It's softer, slower and sympathetic.

I love that.

I just have to remember all the things I like about him - I need to keep them clear in my head. It'll be a long while yet until I see him next.
posted by Erica at 4:50 PM

Guy #1 called me while I was out having bubble tea with 2 of my guy friends, G and R.

I felt my cell vibrating from within my bag... I saw that it was him on the call display. I picked up, and with a big smile I said "Hiiii!" It was a short conversation, I told him I would call him back when I got back home.

G and R were looking at me suspiciously. They asked "Who was that? You never say 'Hiiii!' [imitating me] when I call you."

I smiled, and said "That was Guy #1!"
posted by Erica at 3:21 AM

I got the new Weezer album finally. My love for them began in when I was in Grade 9 with the blue album.

Yeah, I was quite the alterna-chick in high school.

Since entering university, my music tastes have changed to r&b, hip hop and house, I guess that came with my love for clubbing. But regardless of that, I think no matter what my music tastes are, the one band I will always go back to is Weezer. Their songs are so pop-friendly and geek-chic - I'm down with that...
posted by Erica at 2:50 AM

Wednesday, May 30, 2001

But I can't help but let this long-distance thing take it's toll on me.
posted by Erica at 1:57 AM

I think I sorta miss being single. I'm starting to remember what my longest relationship was like - we were just together for the hell of it, just because we were too lazy to end it. It was just inertia. It was such a drag. I don't want things to be like that. And maybe they won't, maybe Guy #1 is different, but maybe he's not. Already I'm not even sure if we have the right chemistry, and our circumstances suck.

So I miss being single.

And I'm never satisfied, am I? Unhappy when I'm single, unhappy when I'm not.

Maybe I just need to keep things constantly changing around me. Change my dating status as often as I change my mind.

Maybe I need to do some of that self-help crap - all that "find yourself first before you find someone else" crap. But I don't want to go down that route. I'm already too introspective for my own good. I think I'm already too self-absorbed.
posted by Erica at 1:47 AM

I don't know if this long-distance thing with Guy #1 is working out for me.

I tried to call him tonight, but he wasn't home, so I just left a message.

I don't know, I don't know what I'm thinking. Maybe I just shouldn't think too hard about it at all.
posted by Erica at 1:26 AM

Everyone has their own theory on love.

Sometimes I think really hard about it, and I reference it to my relationship with Guy #1, and I wonder what it is that I really need.

Sometimes I think that I don't really need the idea of love. Sometimes I think that all I really need is the physical presence of someone adoring me without words. I don't need words. I just need touch - I just need admiration from the brush of someone's fingertips.

Maybe I'm just saying these things because I'm young and prone to thoughts of indestructability.

Well I don't feel like being romantic tonight.
posted by Erica at 12:52 AM

Tuesday, May 29, 2001

Monday, May 28, 2001

I was getting really tired of hearing how everyone was going out there and doing things. Travelling, working at interesting and relevant jobs. And what could I do except sit on my ass and wait for my jaw to heal?

So wish me luck, I'll be hopefully re-entering the real world today.
posted by Erica at 1:17 PM

You know, I have to give Guy #1 points for sticking around as long as he has. I think he has a pretty good idea of me now. Perhaps he hasn't seen enough of the darkness - though I have become quite good at hiding it. I wonder what he would think about my lapses into depression.

It seems to me like the world is too busy to include me. Everyone is out there doing things. What have I done? What have I done to contribute to society, what have I done to contribute to myself? Not much, let me tell you.

Why don't I have any spirit?

Why don't I have any self-esteem?

I remember back in high school... when I was relishing in my darkness. I was wallowing in it. I let it consume me. It became a part of me and I was in such a comfort zone with it. I even loved it. I was messed up. I was goth before goth was cool. In mind-set only, not in dress - I went to a uniform school anyway. Sometimes I wonder, if my faith had not intervened, how far I would have let it take me. I wonder where I would be today.

I feel sad. I wish I could offer Guy #1 more than myself. More than my baggage-laden, sad-sack of a self.
posted by Erica at 12:33 AM

Sunday, May 27, 2001

I don't know if I feel passion for him. If our relationship ended right here, right now - I don't think I'd be that torn up about it. With my last boyfriend (not H), it lasted all of one month, and I was so heartbroken at the end. With Guy #1, I've been dating him for a little over 2 months now.

Sometimes I wonder if I'm still with him to test myself. To see if we make it past 3 months. Then I can reassure myself that I'm not a freak, that I can have a relationship lasting more than 3 months. Maybe after 3 months I can reassess what I'm doing.

He treats me so well... he's the sweetest guy. He saw me at my worst too. He saw me when the swelling from my jaw surgery was at it's peak. He saw me drool, he saw me weak as a kitten, he saw me cry. He's been writing me the nicest e-mails since I can't talk. He told me that he's proud of me for making it.

He finally invited me to stay at his place when I go visit the university, if I needed to. Finally!
posted by Erica at 2:28 AM

I watched "Pearl Harbour." Three hours long! It was okay, it wasn't bad - I wasn't sure what to expect because it got torn up in the review I read. But I think they were a little hard on it.

Anyways, I watched very carefully to see how bad the Japan-bashing would be. And I have to give them some credit for humanizing them somewhat. There were touches here and there.

The movie did have it's moments of cheese, I think they tried too hard to make it this melodrama a la "Titanic." At the beginning during the love story, they overused the dramatic orchestral music. That's the only thing I think they did really wrong.

Personally, given the choice between Josh Hartnett and Ben Affleck, I would choose Josh Hartnett. Heh heh...
posted by Erica at 2:18 AM