Saturday, June 16, 2001

1. Found out H. (the ex that I thought things were finally cool with) has been talking about me to his school friends. I found out through another one of my family friends. He twisted our relationship. I don't feel good about it, but at the same time I don't care. I don't know any of his friends, they're all younger than me and it's beneath me to care. It's all ancient history no matter what he says about it.

2. Guy #1 came home this weekend. But he's not seeing me. We spoke on the phone last night (another verging-on-dry conversation) and he's busy doing stuff with his dad (must be nice - my dad is on the other side of the globe) and other things. I called him just now and he didn't recognize my voice - he thought I was "Veronica."
posted by Erica at 7:12 PM

Friday, June 15, 2001

So some things are going unsaid on my side. I can never bring myself to talk about things that are important to me in my heart of hearts. I stutter, I stumble, I shift. I can't do it - I don't have the guts.
posted by Erica at 11:20 PM

Thank God it's Friday. I feel like watching old movies and eating comfort food...
posted by Erica at 3:38 PM

Sleep late. Wake early to the sound of a staticky, annoying morning-radio-show. Grumpy. Roll out of bed. Brush teeth, wash face, choose outfit, brush hair. Drag ass downstairs and force breakfast down.

Go through traffic to work. 9-5 grriiiiiiiiind. No amount of coffee can make this a better day. Flourescent light not sunshine.

Go through traffic home. Exhausted. Nap.

Wake up dazed. Eat dinner. Relax, laze, unwind.

Sleep late...

(and it cycles and cycles and never stops)
posted by Erica at 12:31 AM

Why are we such fools?

Tell me - what is the point? Just what is the point?
posted by Erica at 12:26 AM

I wish that I had chosen a different field. Once again I am discouraged. Once again I change my mind.

Why didn't I go into design? Why didn't I study art history? Why aren't I in an Arts faculty at the big University downtown? I could buy an iced mocchachino and plant my ass underneath a great big tree, next to the aging walls of some great institution with a great big textbook with lot's of pictures inside.

I can trace my steps back as far as Grade 8. We did mock exams (real ones started the next year). I got the highest mark in my grade for the science mock exam. Ever since then I've been doomed.
posted by Erica at 12:25 AM

Can we girl talk?

He's not the one for me...

It's sorta confusing - I always imagined that I would be with someone louder, funnier, more like me maybe, kinda on the weird or wacky side... more laid back - I like Guy #1, but.... ah who knows! I think when he's not so busy I'll have a talk with him...

I kinda like that he's reserved - I like to ruffle his feathers a little ;) But he's not my type in the end... unless I'm hyper, our phone conversations can be really dry.

Maybe I'm immature or something, but my type has always been the alternative/intellectual type that I can talk to about pop culture and stuff... I mean, Guy #1 thinks Ben Affleck was good in "The Boiler Room" and it was in that movie that I realized that Ben Affleck can't act. Guy #1 didn't even really like "Almost Famous" when we rented it. He said it was "okay." Of course this isn't the only reason I know he's not the one for me...
posted by Erica at 12:15 AM

Thursday, June 14, 2001

Sometimes I still feel like I'm a little kid playing dress-up in my business clothes. Who is that phony with the pencil skirt, button-up shirt, hose, heels and security card?? She can't possibly be working in this office! She can't be more than 14 years old!

Wonder when it is that I will start feeling my age?
posted by Erica at 12:22 AM

You know, I should really have a talk with Guy #1.

We've been exchanging cheerful e-mails this week. But I really wonder what he thinks deep inside. Does he ever doubt the way that I do?

I figure if I have questions about us, I should at least let him in on some of my thoughts.
posted by Erica at 12:12 AM

Wednesday, June 13, 2001

Tuesday, June 12, 2001

Maybe someone was unfaithful. Maybe someone was abusive. Maybe there were conflicts.

What if you don't have any of those?

I thought me and Guy #1 had chemistry - but I don't really think we do anymore. But what if I don't know? What is chemistry anyway? What defines chemistry? What if this is just me getting itchy feet?

But I feel like I've thrown myself too far into this already. When I think of the picture that he taped onto his desk shelf I feel like there's no way I could end this so abruptly.

I've always wondered what was wrong with me. Why none of my relationships have lasted more than 2 or 3 months. Three months is the record and that was back in Gr. 10. Second-runner up and counting is what I have with Guy #1 right now.

But I am staying with him just to see if I can beat the 3 month record? Just to prove something? Three months for us will be next Friday.

I know my friends and my sister think he's so reserved and so quiet and a little geeky. Maybe they wonder why I'm with him. Maybe they think I could do better.

Perhaps I was swept off my feet by how he treated me. Perhaps I was charmed by him because I could ruffle his proper feathers a little.

These thoughts have always lingered in my mind. The telephone conversation I just had with him aroused these thoughts to the surface. The flow of our words were struggling - well at least I felt that they were on my side.
posted by Erica at 12:29 AM

Was the first day of work for me today. The job seems okay - hopefully I can survive this summer. I've never worked full-time for more than 2 weeks at a time before. Parts of the job are so mindless that a monkey could do it - and that's exactly what I am - an office monkey. Well my official title is "Office Assistant."

I actually don't mind the job. I don't mind that it's mindless - doing mindless things can be quite soothing sometimes. And I'm making money. I need to pay off some of my credit card bills anyway...

When I was little I never saw myself working in an office. I never wanted to do the 9-5 thing. Didn't want to do the standing around the water cooler thing. I never wanted to wear a blazer.

Hopefully, I never will have to - but for now it will do.
posted by Erica at 12:23 AM

Monday, June 11, 2001

Now that I'm back I miss all my friends and Guy #1 even more.

Even though I have a lot of doubts about Guy #1 (more that I should), I definetely won't be doing anything rash until I give what we have a fair chance.
posted by Erica at 12:38 AM