Saturday, June 30, 2001

In preparation for last night I was debating on what to wear. I wanted to be sexy, but not overly so - also I didn't have anything really new that fit (I still haven't gained back all the weight I lost from my surgery). So I settled on my go-anywhere, slinky black skirt that goes down to my knees but has 2 slits. Then I wore a black sleeveless top that I consider sorta reserved. I added a chain belt and my platform sandals. The hair was worn up in a flirty ponytail. So that was my look...

Anyways, I thought I was doing a pretty good job at playing neutral, but friendly enough. I'd like to think that he wouldn't be able to interpret me as interested or not. I thought he seemed to be pretty neutral too - other than some casual flirting.

But then he hit my weak spot. While we were all standing around the bar, he very gently ran his fingers on my back. Out all the five senses, touch is my favourite...

So does anything change? Not really. Whatever happens, happens. If anything does happen, I wouldn't take it that seriously because in 2 months I return to school and I can't be bothered to carry over anything from the summer into the school year.
posted by Erica at 8:43 PM

Friday, June 29, 2001

Wednesday, June 27, 2001

Remember me telling you about that guy in Pharmacy school that was a friend of a friend's? I met him when I went clubbing and I gave him my cell phone number. It was innocent at the time, though I was playing a little, I was with Guy #1 still, so I thought I'd ask him questions about Pharmacy, flirt a little and then forget about it.

But then Guy #1 and I broke up. That was a little unexpected - it was going to happen, I just didn't expect it to happen so soon.

Anyway, I never even turned on my cell phone. I figured that if this guy called, he would get the voice mail (leaving a message for the first time you call someone you just met is sometimes taboo) and then give up. It was two weeks ago that I met him.

I turned on my cell phone today, and it beeped, telling me I had a message.

Surprise - he actually called me - on Sunday! Haha... I'm so lame. I'm such a geek, I should turn my cell phone on more often.

Anyway, I called him back and we talked for a little while. First impressions - nice enough guy, sorta fumbling rough (can't think of a better way to describe it)... I wouldn't say there were sparks - but maybe that's because I wasn't looking for them. Well we were talking about the friends we have in common, and we made plans to call people out to go partying all together this Friday. So that's that.

So should I be feeling guilty? I do a little. But I don't think I should be because, number one, I'm not really interested, secondly, we're not going out on a date, thirdly, he's not my type. Guy #1 lingers a little, but other than the first night of our break up, I recovered pretty well. I can honestly say I'm not expecting anything.
posted by Erica at 11:45 PM

Tuesday, June 26, 2001

Monday, June 25, 2001

Now that I don't have him I miss him. I don't want to start over with someone else. Can't I just continue with him? Is this just laziness on my part? But Guy #1 had the patience to learn about me.

He knows my quirks (most of them) and he knows my sensitive parts. He knows my worries, he knows my desires. At the moment I can't be bothered to show these things to someone else.

I think I have the same mentality about dating now as I did when I was 14. I don't think I've matured at all.

I miss him now that I don't have him.

I didn't push him away, did I? Did I test him too much? Did I hold a carrot out in front him just out of reach to see if he would jump for me? Perhaps I did, and he didn't see it, or he didn't know he had to go up and beyond the call of duty for me.

I always fall hardest for the ones with the sweet natures.

So it didn't work.

Does he want me back? He lay his head down in my lap. He let our legs touch as we sat down next to each other.

He seemed taller to me as I saw him. Maybe because I was barefoot, without my shoes I lose a few inches. I felt a little vulnerable as I stood there looking up at him at his great height.
posted by Erica at 10:22 PM

I go through a shameful amount of post-its here at the office.
posted by Erica at 4:26 PM

Yesterday, during the afternoon, I was going through all my old magazines (mostly InStyle, Cosmo and Vogue) and ripping out and sorting all the things I wanted to keep - a yearly ritual. I make a big mess when I do this - I have piles of ripped magazine pages all over my room. I sort them into piles like "Claire Danes," "Recipes," "Travelling," and "Oscars." Then I put them away in files that store every single magazine article that I have ever wanted to keep.

Guy #1 called me - I guess just to talk. My phone started beeping as it was losing batteries (damn cordless phones never last long enough). Also, he could probably hear all the ripping noises from my magazine sorting.

We talked for a long while - longer than most of the conversations we had while we were together. Even though it was an okay conversation, I got the feeling again of struggling to keep the conversation flow going. But I appreciate that he tried. I don't know...
posted by Erica at 12:07 PM

Sunday, June 24, 2001

He asked me if I was busy. I had made dessert plans with friends... so I panicked and said "Yes... sorta." In my mind I was thinking Oh no! He wants to make plans! In that flash second, I didn't know if I could see him, if it was too soon, or if it would be slightly awkward. I know that we said that we'd be friends, that we'd give it a genuine try, but in practice, I didn't know if I could see him in this way.

I told him about my dessert plans. I felt bad though, and thought Make plans! Make plans! We're supposed to be friends! So I asked him if he wanted to watch the premiere of "Sex In The City" with me. He knows I love this show, and I know that he's wary of it. So after laughing, and after some cajoling from me, he said he'd come to "humour" me.

So after dessert, he called me again and came over to watch the show with me. It was a great episode, but of course it had to be about being able to be "just friends" with exes. I hope that this point went over Guy #1's head.

Afterwards, he stuck around to watch a movie. He picked out Disney's "Mulan." So we watched it. In the middle of the movie, I had to get up to do something, and when I came back he was lying across the couch, with his head on a cushion in my seat. When I came to sit back down, he got back up.

I asked him if he was tired, he said no. I told him to go ahead and lie down if he wanted - the couch was large enough for me to sit and for him to stretch out on the rest of it. He said okay, and promptly put his cushion in my lap and lay down. That surprised me, but I wasn't going to tell him to get off my lap.

It wasn't uncomfortable, but it was a gesture that I don't think a lot of "friends" do.

After the movie ended, he got up to go. I told him that it was good to see him, which it was. We hugged and he left.

Things really didn't seem that different between us. That could mean one of two things. One - we are still affectionate towards each other. Or two - we were becoming just friends anyway near the end of our relationship.

He looked good last night. I know that I've missed him.
posted by Erica at 7:46 PM