Wednesday, July 04, 2001

These are the men in my life right now.
posted by Erica at 10:51 PM

I feel sorta sensual - indulgent. The night is soft and shadowy. The future endless, like there's nothing out there that I can't take. I feel beautiful for once. I can smile and be happy. I'm healthy, I'm smart, I'm working.

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There's one thing I can't have though. And I feel so ashamed to even write it down. S. I can't have him. I can't even manage to be friends with him.

I just wish I that I could talk to him intelligently. I wish he thought that I was smart and beautiful, creative and crazy. Well maybe he thinks I'm crazy. But not much else.

I can see what I'm doing wrong though. I'm trying too hard. I just come out as obnoxious and annoying. So the best I can do is avoid him. He has a girlfriend anyway.
posted by Erica at 10:48 PM

You know, maybe I shouldn't bother with Pharmacy guy. I don't even like him like that. I'm not really interested nor I am really in the mood for dating. Maybe it's too soon since Guy #1. Is it too late to take back my number?
posted by Erica at 10:40 PM

I want to marry someone that thinks that me in my oversized, drawstring hospital pants and a white cotton camisole is the sexiest thing ever.
posted by Erica at 10:29 PM

Tuesday, July 03, 2001

What happened with Guy #1? I was so swept off my feet by him the first day I met him. I was charmed out of my mind. Then we ended up having next to 0 chemistry. My theory at the beginning was right - we got along so well because we were both really nice people. Two nice people will always be able to get along up to a point regardless of the amount of chemistry they have.

And then there's Guy #2. The idea of dating him was really fun. His gaze was so sexy - he always looked right at my eyes when I spoke. How great was that? He was my age too. Usually guys my age are so unattainable. So mysterious - I don't know why. Guy #2 was soft and hard at the same time. Soft because he was so cute, slim like I like it, he was modest, and he made efforts to draw me out of my shell. Hard because he was so incredibly smart, an intellectual, philosophical and opinionated. Hmm.... maybe I can do the casual dating thing when we both return to school in September. That is, if I didn't ruin my chances with him.

Okay so what should I do about Pharmacy guy? Why am I not impressed by him? But he gets lots of points for effort. How do I know he's not just pursuing me because of opportunity, or out of routine rather than because of me? Is his attraction to me genuine? Does he consider me unique in even the least way? Well I have sorta plans to see him Saturday - coffee I guess. I really wasn't before, but I'm getting a little excited. I'm still insecure about it though. I don't have confidence in myself. Even though I sorta have the upper hand because of my almost non-interest in the whole thing, I feel unworthy. He's sorta too cute. The wrong kind of cute.
posted by Erica at 8:54 PM

I kinda like being called Princess. H used to call me Princess. I miss the old H - the one that doesn't exist anymore.

I just did an exercise in self torture. I dug deep in my closet and into my secret box. My box that contains all my old diaries, all the negatives of all the pictures I've ever taken, anything that ever meant something to me.

I pulled out the small cereal box within in looking for something specific. Inside that cereal box are the 2 tapes that H made for me and 2 photobooth pictures that the two of us took when we were together. They're great photos - we both look good and we both look happy. The tapes are special - the songs picked out especially for me with written notes on the inside.

It makes me so sad - how sweet he was - how happy we were. Memories that I shoved so far deep within myself. And I mourn him. I mourn the person that H used to be. I mourn what we had. So I shove the cereal box back into the closet. It'll stay there until I feel like digging out dead things again.
posted by Erica at 8:17 PM

Monday, July 02, 2001

Sunday, July 01, 2001

School - I don't want to worry about it. Even though I arranged my own schedule, it's a gross one. Lot's of gross courses. I'm starting to consider applying for Pharmacy school this year instead of waiting to finish my undergrad first.

The apartment - it's always been my dream to have an apartment. I constantly think of what it will be like, the furniture, how we'll decorate it... It should be a lot of fun. It will make me feel a little more grown up.

My birthday - a dark spot. Part of me wants to throw a party for myself - it will be a milestone afterall - I'll be turning 21 years old. I have that hospitality gene in me - the gene that makes me want to invite friends over and be a hostess. However, most of me doesn't want to celebrate. I'm bitter about my birthday. I hate my birthday - but no, really, I love my birthday. I consider my birthday to be this precious, beautiful thing, but it's also fragile. And I can no longer trust other people to care for it. So I'll protect my birthday from the outside world.
posted by Erica at 8:20 PM