Ack. There go my plans for the future.
- posted by Erica at 11:50 PM

Oh my god. Gilmore girls was just on. I just love that show.
- posted by Erica at 10:01 PM

I was up all last night. Damn that coffee. So I ended up studying, watching SATC, cleaning the apartment, showering... all this until about 3:00 A.M., then I crawled into bed and couldn't sleep.

But it's all good. KGuy called me and said he was returning from the city to his home. And then he would try to see me today. So yay. Things are looking up.
- posted by Erica at 12:48 PM

Friday, October 05, 2001

Anyway, it's my Mom's first weekend home from her trip to Hong Kong. Because this week was really, really bad, it would have been perfect to get away.

Unfortunately, with 2 midterms in my hardest courses coming up... I had no choice. I had to stay.
- posted by Erica at 10:05 PM

Ooo I did something really cool (instead of studying). I made a favicon!

If add this site to your Favorites, a little icon will show up. It's really cute.

I made it here: Favicon.com
- posted by Erica at 9:49 PM

Okay I need to get my brain on straight. Maybe this is just a phase. I'm trying to remember all the good things about this and it's sorta working. Panic has sorta subsided. Sorta. What's wrong with me? Maybe I do have a problem.

I realize the importance of finding someone that I have things in common with.

I need to stop thinking back to Guy #1. Things were not perfect then either.

I need someone to appreciate my down to earth nature. I need someone that won't point out every flaw. I need someone that thinks the fact that I made capris out of old khaki pants is cool. I need someone that is romanced by my writing and my quirky nature and my experimental graphics. I need someone that understands my ambition and what drives me. I need someone that will ask me what's wrong when I tell them I've had a really bad week. I need them to hug me when they think I'm stressed.

KGuy is none of these things. KGuy is a lot of things but none of these.

Okay, here are some things that KGuy does do.

KGuy knows my schedule by now and surprises me by waiting in his car for me after my classes. KGuy loves to hear me moan. KGuy always calls. KGuy says what's on his mind. KGuy has great style. KGuy's closest friend is so nice to me. KGuy has told all his friends about me. KGuy pays for everything no questions asked. KGuy notices when I am deep in thought. KGuy is so cool. KGuy loves to party.

Hmm Hmm... okay no more thinking about this.
- posted by Erica at 6:53 PM

I'm Miss Pour My Heart out today. I'm so frustrated with my situation right now. Maybe it's just been a bad day. Maybe I'm just too stressed. This sucks.
- posted by Erica at 5:10 PM

Books I just bought from Chapters.Indido.ca:

"The Invisible Circus" by Jennifer Egan
"Open House - A Novel" by Elizabeth Berg
"N.P." by Banana Yoshimoto
"The 5 in 10 Cookbook: 5 Ingredients in 10 minutes or less" by Paula Hamilton

I don't know when I'll have time to read them... not until next summer probably - but I like buying books all the same.
- posted by Erica at 4:27 PM

The beginning of relationships are always amazing. You don't have to think too hard. You're just hard at work trying to please each other. How did that stage pass so quickly with KGuy and me? I guess that's what we get for moving so fast.

I kissed him good bye today and all he said that my lips were cold. Well - I was standing walking outside just moments before. But F*ck him all the same.

Okay, so I'm trying to talk to P about how I want to run. And I don't know why - it's the little things. She asks "Like what?"

Hmmm... "Reality" was the only answer I could come up with.
- posted by Erica at 4:22 PM

Oh. I'm all alone in my apartment now. My apartment mate just left to go home for Thanksgiving. KGuy is gone. I'm the only one here...

It's not so bad.

I feel sorta liberated.
- posted by Erica at 3:40 PM

I miss him I hate him I'm fed up but I put up with it I want to see him.

Well I have a break from him this weekend. A break to think. Not think to take action, but just to think.

Also to study. Yeah that's important too... Well, I'm trying to convince myself that it is.
- posted by Erica at 3:20 PM

Maybe I'm with him because I enjoy the novelty of having someone that wants to see me everyday, that will go out their way just for me. That makes me feel pretty special.

Speaking of novelty, the novelty of dating a bad boy is wearing off on me now. But whatever, I shouldn't be analyzing things like this at this stage of the game.

That's right. Game. Isn't that exactly what this is?
- posted by Erica at 12:29 AM

Thursday, October 04, 2001

I must be manic. Euphoria then panic, then calm then crying. Maybe I need valium. How do you self-prescribe a treatment for this? I know for depression there's St. John's Wort - but what about manic depression?

I'm getting serious itchy feet. I don't know what's wrong with me. Am I a commitment phobe? I want more. What else is out there that I'm missing out on? I want it. Could I ever really love KGuy? I want to see him and I'm actually feeling something like sadness that he's going away this weekend. At the same time I'm thinking that he's so wrong for me.

He joked around with R today about how he had marijauna in his car and they should go smoke it. The thing is, I'm pretty sure he wasn't joking.

Okay whatever, marijauna is relatively harmless, and I'm a little less naive than I used to be, I know people do it, even my beloved friend G does it, but I don't know. It's a little too close for comfort. Am I prissy? Am I closed minded? That on top of the smoking, the E, the constant partying.

I was talking to R afterwards about KGuy. R said that he's a nice guy, but he just didn't like the comment he made. We were talking with R at dinner about how he was young, he should pick one of his female admirers and just go for it. R joked that he had 4 years to find a wife at school. KGuy joked back that he had 4 years to find a girlfriend and a lifetime to find a wife. Whatever I dunno. I'm not marrying KGuy.
- posted by Erica at 11:05 PM

Hope. It's all about hope.
- posted by Erica at 10:22 PM

Okay so this is what this page is supposed to look like. Would someone using Netscape Communicator please let me know if it's showing up properly? Thanks!

Voila:

- posted by Erica at 10:17 PM

I think I need to work on this layout some more. I'm not satisfied with it.

Anyway, all I have to say right now is that I hate boys. Stupid boys. Stressing me out.

There's S and his using me in his suffering act.

Then there's KGuy acting all flighty and annoyed. He's not helping my itchy feet syndrome.

I'm so glad I have this weekend to myself. KGuy was going to spend Friday night with me but he's going to the city instead. So I guess I'm better off anyway.
- posted by Erica at 5:42 PM

Good news though, I guess. Well I've been feeling really bad about slacking with my studies. This coming weekend is the long weekend. I made the choice to not go home for Thanksgiving. I feel bad, I'd like to go home and see my family and all my friends there, but crunch time starts for me next week. Two midterms in my 2 hardest courses and a project outline due. So I'm staying here to study. I'll be spending Thanksgiving in the library. KGuy is going out of town for the weekend. So he won't be here to distract me, though I'm a little disappointed, it's for the best.
- posted by Erica at 8:57 AM

This is not my soap opera it's his.

Don't worry I was nice to S last night. But I also tried to tell him the truth about himself. In one ear and out the other though I suspect.
- posted by Erica at 8:45 AM

F*ck. What a f*cking mess.

There's some messiness. My friend S that hooked me and KGuy up - did I tell you that I found out he liked me and that he told not only KGuy, but my sister and P? He does this whole martyr act that drives me absolutely insane. I hate this I'm a victim and I suffer for the sake of others attitude. He's not only doing it for me with the getting KGuy and I together for the sake of my happiness but he did it with his ex. I felt really bad for him before, but now I'm really sick of it.

He found out I knew about it last night, and it's so hard to not be a b*tch when I'm so annoyed. I'm flattered, of course I'm flattered. Things like this happen - especially since I spent so much time with S and D this summer. I understand how that just sets things like this up. But I hate this martyr thing that he does. And now he's using me to do it.
- posted by Erica at 8:37 AM

Wednesday, October 03, 2001

"Diamond Dreams" by Bass Is Base
"Too Deep" by Ivana Santilli
"East Side" by Jack Soul
"Calling You" by Abacus featuring Naomi Nsombi
"Better Life" by Esthero (Ian Pooley)

Fittingly, it's like deep summer weather outside today - it's October. The sky is my favourite colour, the sun is out, no clouds and breeziness.
- posted by Erica at 10:55 AM

This is good. I can feel that KGuy and I are getting closer. I told him about my insecurities with my sister. I found out that he's Christian (maybe just not a very good one, but more so that I am at this point). I learn more about what things were like with him and his ex. He knows what things were like with Guy #1 and I. He knows about the things that frustrated me. He knows me fairly well now...
- posted by Erica at 1:29 AM

Tuesday, October 02, 2001

I've become such a dreamer lately.
- posted by Erica at 11:27 AM

I was having a conversation with KGuy... where we were talking about lifetimes.... I mused that I was probably the first in my line, out of all my ancestors to be female and to be studying for a a B.Sc. - because my mother certainly didn't, neither did my grandmother, nor my sister or my aunts. How special do I feel?
- posted by Erica at 11:16 AM

Monday, October 01, 2001

I wish summer was not over. I feel like I really missed out on something this summer. I didn't travel. I didn't go to the beach. I didn't go on any roller coasters and I didn't buy cotton candy and expensive amusement park junk food. I didn't do the street shopping thing enough. I didn't walk in parks, I didn't swing on swings. I didn't walk barefoot. I didn't walk around my neighbourhood. I didn't do anything but my jaw surgery and work. That's it. Oh yeah, I clubbed a lot. But a lot of clubbing does not a summer make.

Why can't I be more creative with my time? Why don't I pick up and go? Well too late now. It's school time. It's time to get my butt in gear already. All the motivation I felt during the summer to get into professional school with flying colours and ease are fizzled.
- posted by Erica at 11:02 PM

I am ashamed to say that the smell of cigarette smoke on clothes has become comforting.
- posted by Erica at 9:12 PM

The girls really enjoy teasing me now. It was only days before KGuy and I hooked up that I was wondering out loud to them how I could never understand couples that needed to talk and see each other every frikkin' day. And now I get it. So HAHA jokes on me. I'm eating my own words now.
- posted by Erica at 3:23 PM

In some ways I miss Guy #1. But doesn't everyone, deep down inside, miss their exes to a point?

I compare KGuy and Guy #1 a lot in my head. At first I only saw the things in KGuy that Guy #1 lacked that drove me crazy. Like how hesitant Guy #1 was to move our relationship along. How he wouldn't kiss me, and he never made things official with us and how proper he was. But now I can appreciate Guy #1's qualities that KGuy lacks.

I had a lot more in common with Guy #1 than I do with KGuy. Guy #1 was so gentle. He was a very focused student like myself. He could party and he could sit back and relax too. KGuy is kind of a crazy partyer all the time. KGuy is very spontaneous.

Guy #1 has been in Europe for the last 6 weeks. He'll be returning home soonish. He won't be in the same town as me, but I wonder how he'll find out about KGuy and me, if ever. Would he be hurt? Would he care? Would he think it fast? I think it's been fast. The lag time was the shortest time between relationships I've ever had - 4 months.

Of course, I'm with KGuy now. Reality is setting in, and I guess I'm pretty comfortable with it. Hopefully I can avoid the itchy feet syndrome and have something real this time.
- posted by Erica at 1:18 AM

Sunday, September 30, 2001

I've been really bad at being good at school lately. The workload has been so overwhelming, and instead of being determined to be on top of everything, I'm barely scraping by. I need to get my ass on it. I'm telling everyone that I will start being more of a hard-core student this week - unfortunately people remember me telling them that last week. Whoops.
- posted by Erica at 3:55 PM

This weekend L came up to stay with us. We all went clubbng Saturday night, KGuy was going to come, but he changed his mind when he realized it would be him and 6 girls.

I had an awesome time. I spent the whole summer partying with guys and I totally forgot what it was like to have a girls night out. It was amazing. I really miss it. Just a lot of girly fun. A lot of laughing fits, laughing at songs, singing along, laughing at boys and their stupid lines, and staring at the really good looking ones in the club. So much fun.
- posted by Erica at 11:50 AM