If you wanted to, you could just observe me for about 5 minutes and know parts of me pretty well.

Maybe you would notice that I'm shy because I don't look you in the eye. Or if I notice you looking into mine, I blush and look down. Mabye you would notice that smiles come easily to me, or that I impulsively say silly things.

But you would never guess the double personality. You would never guess about the writer and artist within. You would never guess about the periods of despair, obsession and depression. You could never know about stuff like that unless I volunteered it.

Once someone invited me to feel free to talk to them. They wanted me to talk to them the way I wrote in my diaries. And I did. And he coudln't handle it. Can I trust anyone with my inner demons again? I don't think so.
- posted at 7:32 PM

Had a good time at the club last night. But I'm so tired now... It's totally screwed up my system for the weekend.
- posted at 2:02 PM

I'm sorta disgusted with the all the propaganda I'm seeing in the media. Did we learn nothing from history? No one over the age of at least 60 really remembers what a world war is like - how can this be something that we think is a good idea?
- posted at 1:13 PM

Friday, October 12, 2001

Calculus exam wasn't bad! I might just pass the course after all!

I'm so hyped now. I think I've been cooped up at the library too much so now I'm so glad I'm finally going out to have fun. :)
- posted at 10:41 PM

Oh man - this is getting dangerous - I think I'm getting attached to KGuy. Scary.
- posted at 8:37 PM

Oh I'm so happy the Cranberries have a new single ("Analyse"). They were my absolute favourite band in high school. Completely described me.
- posted at 7:59 AM

Don't want to sleep.

Why?

I don't know.

I have an 8:30 AM class tomorow.
I have a Calculus test that I haven't taken seriously tomorow.
Well... it's only worth 10%.

I'd much rather play around with this website and listen to my MP3s. How sad am I? This is how I unwind.

Okay, I better make myself crawl into bed now.
- posted at 2:28 AM

Changed the template again. Hope this is good.

Next friday will be one month for me and KGuy. Wow - where does the time go? It doesn't feel like it's been that long.
- posted at 2:18 AM

Thursday, October 11, 2001

Anyway, I know it's gonna be rainy today. I'm wearing my low-rider cords with the little rhinestones, my white boat-neck, 3/4-sleeve top, hoop earrings, grey eye-shadow and a ponytail.

I just feel like writing, this is why I'm telling you how I'm dressing today. I'm sorta sleep deprived. This is the life of a student.

I found out last night, and I thought this was funny, that I've been sitting on the "brown" side of the library - the other side I don't sit on is the "yellow" side. I thought this was funny - I didn't notice any segregation. I'm a library neophyte. Maybe I should try the yellow side - seeing as I'm yellow. But the "brown" side suits me as well.

I felt really bad for this girl I know in my program. She's brown, part of the religion that wears the scarves over their heads. She had gone down to the U.S. for the Thanksgiving long weekend, and I asked her how it was. She said awful - and the first thing that popped into my mind was that maybe she just didn't have a good time due to bad food, bad weather whatever crap happens when you're on vacation. But it was because her and her family were harassed. They were not served in stores or resteraunts, their car was searched at the border. And it makes me so angry - it's so unfair. Why are people so ignorant?
- posted at 12:27 PM

I'm sick of studying. Seriously unmotivated to learn Calculus.... So what if I flunk? Good-bye Pharmacy school... so what.

What I really want to do is party. I really feel like clubbing. I went so much in the summer and I really miss it. Friday night. L is coming up to visit, it's her birthday and we're going out. Can't wait....
- posted at 12:15 PM

Why are you making me beg? E-mail me! Yes! I'm talking to you!
- posted at 11:36 AM

I hate my face. I feel all deformed and odd.

What is wrong with me? What is up with my mood swings? This is my inheritance from my mother. Thanks mom. Thanks for making me psychotic on all sorts of levels.

Misery today, euphoria next week...
- posted at 1:40 AM

Am I not worth it? Am I not worth getting tested for?
- posted at 1:33 AM

I'm going through another period of panic.

I don't know what I want to do with my life. I spent my whole summer, probably most of this year - planning to apply to Pharmacy school and now I'm getting incredibly discouraged. Can I handle it? Do I want to handle it? Do I really want to be in school until I'm 27 years old? Can I take that much studying?

And then there's KGuy. I survived my last round of itchy feet syndrome, and things were good again. It's been 3 weeks now. I asked him to do something today. I was inspired by H who asked her boyfriend to do something and he did it willingly. So I asked KGuy if he would do the same for me, and he didn't really want to. He was so reluctant and said he would think about it. And now I realize that maybe I should have just let it be. H and her boyfriend have been together considerably longer and they love each other, etc.. And though it would be a practical thing to do, it's asking a lot, sort of. And it was my choice to jump into things, I can't go back and be like, oh by the way, could you do this for me....

I asked KGuy to get tested for me. Go ahead... judge me.
- posted at 1:12 AM

Wednesday, October 10, 2001

Here I am sitting around in men's pyjamas (in size small, a gift from L - I'm swimming in them but I love it) eating cheerios. It's night time and I'm exhausted from being interupted late last night by KGuy. Of course I welcomed him and his interuption, if he speaks to me softly I'll do anything for him. Anyway, here I am sitting and I'm exhausted. Yes, here it is - it's crunch time here at school. Weary, weary, weary, I'm so weary and here it comes.
- posted at 2:02 AM

Monday, October 08, 2001

Wow how bizarre. I was just talking to both KGuy and Guy #1 on ICQ at the same time.

Guy #1 is back from Europe now. Our conversation was warm and light - as much as it can be over the internet. I do miss him. I feel like I want to protect him from harsher things in this world, though I know he can definetely take care of himself, being a graduate, he's no longer a lowly student like myself. I just wish for him to be happy, I couldn't do it, I really hope he finds her, the girl that will treat him like her knight.
- posted at 5:57 PM

Oh I'm so disappointed. My sister doesn't like KGuy. And I suspect, though they'd never tell me directly, that some of my friends sorta feel the same way. They maybe don't understand the attraction. And that sorta brings me down. I don't like this feeling like I've disappointed them. Like they expected more from me, whatever that is.

How can I explain to them the contents of my motives, my mind, and that squishy thing in me that is my heart?

They don't know how well he treats me. How much he does for me. They don't hear his voice get softer as he speaks to me. I love that. It's that I care for you voice.

But oh well. You can't win them all, right?

I mean at least KGuy went for me, made his interest obvious, unlike Guy #2. And at least KGuy is affectionate and doesn't beat around the bush like Guy #1. I know that from his history that KGuy would never use me, would never dump me out of the blue. It's more likely that I would do that to him than he would to me.

So there. You're not worried about me, are you?
- posted at 12:51 AM

Sunday, October 07, 2001

In the car on the way back to school, B and I just talked about art in the backseat. He's in Fine Arts and I was asking him about his work and his philosophies. It makes me really wish that I had the freedom to just express myself for school. Instead of memorizing and calculating and reading. I wish I could have a studio where I could just make a complete mess and my school work would be all about me and what I wanted to do. It would be about what I could produce and how I developed myself rather than what I could learn and how smart I could push myself to be. But ah well. Water under the bridge I guess.
- posted at 11:04 PM

Yay - Happy Thanksgiving to everyone (though it's officially tomorow).

H is a sweetie - she invited me over to her parent's house for Thanksgiving dinner. Her Mom says "No one should be at school for Thanksgiving!" We'll be having turkey and the works, surrounded by H's family - classic. This is all stuff that I wouldn't have gotten even if I had actually gone home. Haha...

I did speak to my own Mom on the phone yesterday, and I'm glad she's home. I just sorta wish that I was too.
- posted at 11:29 AM

F*ck! F*ck f*ck f*ck!

I could have gone with KGuy back home and I didn't so I could study. And trust me I didn't end up studying.

I knew he was going clubbing, but he hadn't decided where he was going to go when he left my apartment. After I was talking to G, and he said that him, my sister and more of my friends from back home were going to this particular club, and I said to look out for KGuy cause he might end up there.

Well I just got a call from KGuy (his cell phone bill is going to be disgusting by the end of this month) and he said that they're all there.

And now I'm so angry at myself, I'm cursing myself silly, for not going. I could have seen everyone but instead I decided to stay here at school and my attempts at studying have been more than pathetic. I'm just sad sad sad.

I'm also curious to see what everyone has to say about bumping into KGuy. I know my sister in particular doesn't like him. So far. I know G thinks he's cool and R and all them. Well I'll have to give my sister a call tomorow.
- posted at 1:51 AM

I am so uncool.

What I really want for Christmas is my own domain. Actually, make that 2 of my own domains, 1 for each of my identities. Haha.
- posted at 1:42 AM