What is the word "boyfriend" anyway? What a horrible word. I don't like that word.
- posted at 11:59 PM

I miss him. I actually miss him.

I feel like I don't really fit in his life. I feel like there's no room for me. I'm not saying that it's his fault, or mine. We just don't fit. We are so different. Here I am studying and with my academic ambition and goals. I live this stable life, I miss my family, I like to chill. He parties, he raves, he's crazy and bad and spontaneous.

Does it seem like I date a lot? Does it look to people like I bounce around from guy to guy? It's not true. I only average about one major "love life" event a school year. It just happened twice in this calendar year, that's all.
- posted at 11:47 PM

Conflicted. I'm so conflicted.
- posted at 11:31 PM

I'm sorta sad.

KGuy is really irresponsible. I feel like I'm dating an adolescent - though he's got 3 years on me, him being 24 years old.

Okay, maybe I'm a square - squares aren't very radical. Squares can only tolerate so much change. Is that me?

2 weeks. I'm gonna use H's 2 week rule. If I feel the same way in 2 weeks it's over.

I called him around 7 P.M. waking him. He got home from the rave at 9 A.M.. He told me he missed me, and I didn't know what to say, so I improvised:

"You're sweet."

He bought it. I couldn't say "I miss you too" because I didn't - not really. I was disappointed to not see him today, but I'm unsure how appealing he is to me right now. The bad things are starting to outweight the good things.
- posted at 10:13 PM

Overheard in the middle of the night, in a darkened resident room:
"You're so small - I can wrap my whole body around you."
- posted at 1:22 AM

There was a commercial for Enya on TV - I don't remember what context (greatest hits CD? TV special? Concert?) and I made the vague comment to the girls that Guy #1 had downloaded the "Only Time" song onto my computer.

H gave me this look, and she was like "I was wondering why you had that song on your playlist - it seemed sorta uncharacteristic for you."

I laughed - yeah I'm not a big fan of Enya, I didn't download that song on my own, Guy #1 did for me.
- posted at 1:10 AM

I jokingly called KGuy high maintenance.

He said "No you're high maintenance!"

"No you are!"

"You are!"

Then I just asked "What defines high maintenance anyway?"

"Someone that needs to be maintained a lot."

It made more sense when he put it that way.

I asked him "So am I really high maintenance?"

"Naw - you're pretty laid back."

Yay! My beloved independence is still intact.
- posted at 12:52 AM

Friday, October 19, 2001

Anyway, they're sitting on my shelf with my textbooks and they're so tempting. But I know, with my school schedule, I won't be able to read them until the summer. Boo.
- posted at 3:20 PM

Okay so I went to class today and knowing KGuy was at my place sleeping, I started fuming as I thought about all the things wrong with us. I know that he knew I was angry before I left for class even though he was half asleep.

So I opened the door to my apartment, and I could see him up already in my room. He was all sweet to me, so of course my anger disappeared.

Man... I'm such a soft heart.
- posted at 3:07 PM

Things are a little messed up inside.

KGuy is really irresponsible and it's starting to piss me off.

He drove drunk last night. He's skipping class today. He's not having dinner with me for our one month as planned.

I need to get my head on straight.
- posted at 1:13 PM

Wednesday, October 17, 2001

He's making me dinner - did I already tell you this? But he's not staying late because he's going back to the city for a rave. Rave = Ecstacy for him, guaranteed. But whatever.

I'm finding that my phone conversations with him are getting shorter, I want to talk to him, but I also start feeling like I don't know what to say to him and I want to get off. Bad sign.
- posted at 1:02 AM

Tuesday, October 16, 2001

I like to listen to it turned waaay up. Somehow it makes this gloomy, wet day better.
- posted at 5:24 PM

It smells like Fall outside.

It's a crisp smell. The smell of cold air and falling leaves.

It's exciting and dangerous.

It hints of a future. Even if it just means a future of cold, cold snow. Hints of Halloween and runny noses, scarves and hot-chocolate-appropriate weather.

Here it comes.
- posted at 12:10 AM

Monday, October 15, 2001

P and I were talking about how it's easy to see the problems in other people's relationships, much more easy than it is to see the problems in your own. I agreed, telling her about how my sister was in this horrible, horrible relationship, and she couldn't muster the strength to leave him because she had convinced herself that he was her soulmate. The whole thing became messy and upsetting. I told P that I hoped that I would never be one of those people, so blinded by love that they will tolerate anything.

But could I really? I swallow it when KGuy tells me about drugs and raving and fights... because I know that he would never change, not for his ex-girlfriend, definitely not for me. Though it makes me uncomfortable. And I never thought I would date a smoker. These are all little things - or are they? I'm so anti-drugs myself - a defined "good girl."

I would hope that if someone saw the problems with KGuy and me, they would tell me, and I would listen.
- posted at 8:10 PM

Really - I hate being tied up. I'm starting to hate being attached. I'm manic I really am. I'm PMSing more likely. Ah well. C'mon - what happened to all my seratonin? I think I spent it all in one place or something. Damn.
- posted at 7:31 PM

Ooo I'm getting itchy feet again. Just in time for our one month "anniversary." I hate being dependent, it's time to turn the tables around. I've decided to exert some independence and stop asking him for things. Maybe this is just a panicked "used-to-being-single" thing, maybe I'm PMSing. Well whatever. I'm pissed because he implied that when I ask questions it's because I want something. He was joking, but I didn't like the implications.

No one's perfect, obviously. But that comment still made me feel like the devil incarnate. Well f*ck that...
- posted at 7:19 PM

I was thinking about relationships with P last night. And how weird they are. How I'm still getting used to the idea of having a boyfriend. Will I ever get used to it? I guess eventually.

But it's weird. How can you be so attached to someone? How can you incorporate someone's life into your own? How can you be associated with another person? P said that relationships were all about compromises and once you stopped making compromises they stopped working. It's something to think about.

Anyway, I'm pretty pleased with the way that my midterms last week went. I'm surprised because I thought I had a bad start to the school year. So things are looking up.
- posted at 7:56 AM

Do you think it would be a bad idea to mention to Guy #1 that I know about how he hit on my sister before he met me?

I'm feeling pretty neutral about it now - I'm just curious about what he has to say about it.

Maybe he figures that she told me. I wonder if he wonders if I know.

Anyway, one thing about KGuy I know is that he is not attracted to her - which is a big bonus in my eyes given my prior experience with guys I know falling in love with her. I may be cute, but she is stunning. If you put stunning next to cute, you will never look at cute. What I need (and now have) is someone that doesn't think that "stunning" is that special. Yay!
- posted at 12:03 AM

Sunday, October 14, 2001

It's all gloomy today. It looks like it might rain. KGuy isn't up yet - I just tried calling him and he must be zonked out from going to the city last night. P made me breakfast today - it was classic. Scrambled eggs, hash browns and sausages. I've brushed my teeth and washed my face - but I haven't changed out of my pjs yet. Haven't touched the books - though I'll have to eventually.

I miss my home.
- posted at 1:01 PM