Independent. Grown up. In my own place. Capable.

It happened when I wasn't even looking.
11:54 PM

I am making an effort to get out of my low valley. I called out friends for dinner tonight. That should stop me from having another breakdown between the hours of 6 and 8 tonight.
4:44 PM

I love my mom. She's coming up to see me tomorow. We'll have dinner together.

I've never told my mom I love her. We're Asian - we don't do that.

But I wish I could tell her without freaking her out. I wish I could say to her:

"Mom I love you. And if anything goes wrong with me, it's not your fault."

Even if our relationship has extreme up and downs, this is the bottom line.

I've said this before, and I'll say it again now. If it wasn't for my parents, I would have killed myself ages ago.
4:32 PM

I gave in.

After I cried all over my Calculus assignment I decided to do something.

I opened my ICQ and found KGuy's friend. I told her I didn't know what to do. I asked her to ask him to call me.

So that's that.

I can't be strong. I need answers.

So I'm gonna wait. Who knows if he'll do it, and if he does, when.
3:51 PM

Sad music acts as positive feedback on my sadness.

I'm sad so I put on sad music. The sad music makes me sadder.

It amplifies the pain, so I cry, I cry, I sob. It feels better to do that than it does to let the pain sit inside me as I stare blankly.
1:20 PM

Apparently I wasn't worth it.
Apparently I wasn't worth it.
I wasn't worth it.
1:18 PM

Yup. I woke up this morning and it still hurts. And I'm still in shock. And I still have no answers.
12:52 PM

I am currently drunk! Naw... not drunk... just my usual pink faced self...

My cousin came up to go clubbing and called me up. I decided to go cause it was a better alternative than sitting here in my apartment moping and fantasizing about beating KGuy up. And I'm feeling good now... better than I was before.
2:27 AM

Friday, October 26, 2001

All I really want to do is cry and sob into my sheets.

I want to die, I want to kill myself, but I don't want him to think that he was worth my life.

He didn't want me. I wasn't worth it. He doesn't care.

What is wrong with him? What exactly happened? Why?? How could this happen?

II could scream. I just need answers.
11:06 PM

I was talking to a good friend of KGuys on ICQ. I told her what happened. I thought she would have answers. She didn't. She didn't know anything about it.

I asked her if she was seeing him this weekend, and she said yes. I thought to myself Okay so he still does exist. He hasn't fallen off the earth. I asked her if he asked about me.

She said that he had only asked if I had said anything to her. She told me that she told him no. This is because I asked her not to say anything to him about me.

I know it's just a tiny tidbit of information, but just hearing it sent me in this downward spiral. I was almost surprised that he acknowledged me at all. He still knows I exist.

I'm such a mess.
8:47 PM

Please bear with me. I need to cry to you.

What happened?
What should I do?
How am I supposed to live this life in such a way that nothing like this ever happens to me again?

What happens next?
5:56 PM

What am I thinking?

I'm trying not to dwell on him. The sight of him, the smell of him, the touch and taste and feel of him. I know those moments will not be easily forgotten. Like the way he looked when he first walked into my door the third time I ever saw him. Or when he whispered to me at night. Or that time we were driving back to school from the city - at a stop light he leaned over and kissed my neck twice.

I need to get these things out of my system.

The way he made love to me. Out.

When he put his arms around me when we were waiting in line. Out out out.

At the same time I still have these fantasies of giving him a black eye with my umbrella. Or smashing the windows of his precious car. Haha... of course I'm not psychotic.

I need to make peace with not knowing. At least for now - there's really nothing I can do about it.
5:42 PM

I still can't believe how badly burned I got.

I'm trying not to wallow in self-pity. I'm trying to seek out friends.
5:35 PM

I've changed my playlist back to what it was - the playlist with about 700 songs on it, instead of just the 5 songs that make me feel like crying. This is progress.

I'm in that stage where I fantasize about beating the crap out of KGuy with a wooden baseball bat. Haha... the anger stage. I love this stage, it's so... invigorating.
11:35 AM

You know it's getting better. This morning wasn't as hard as the others. Maybe because I know for sure now that he's a motherf*cker.

I had another big cry last night, but I guess sleeping really helped.

Anyway, I need to do some major shopping this weekend. That will be the official kick off to my healing process.
8:02 AM

Thursday, October 25, 2001

So I called one more time. Just one more time. Just in case.

Ring

Ring

Ring

Ring

Ring

Ring

Ring

...

Okay.
10:11 PM

If I thought it was hard to get up in the morning, it's just as hard to get through 3 hour labs and to study for long periods of time and write exams.

So so hard.

I keep feeling scared about What if I see him? What would I do? I'd run in the other direction maybe. What would he do?
7:52 PM

I wake up every morning not wanting to face the day. It's so hard to get out of bed. I wake up not knowing anything and then it all comes rushing back.
9:15 AM

I remember now:
I had once whispered in his ear "Don't use me..."
And he had whispered back "Do I look like the type that would use you?"

I realize now that I accepted that as an answer. I realize now that was not an answer. He never lied to me. He never actually said he wouldn't use me.
9:14 AM

I feel really really alone. It's going to be a while before I trust anyone again.
1:34 AM

Wednesday, October 24, 2001

Okay.

I guess I'm already starting my healing stage.

What I'd really like are answers.

But that's okay.

Hell hath no fury, right? Well, not in this case. I'm just mostly confused. Confused and hurt... a little scarred.

I'm just really grateful for all my friends and my sister, grateful that they aren't telling me "I told you so" even though they have every right to.
9:30 PM

I'm in pain. I'm in f*cking pain.

I've been ditched. He didn't even bother telling me.
3:01 PM

I'm so stupid.
How could I be such a fool?
So stupid.
So naive and so stupid.
I can't stand it.
I can't.
2:57 PM

Do you know what a breaking heart feels like?

It's a physical feeling.

It's a lurching feeling.

Like your heart sighs and then sinks.

It dips in your chest, it's not where it usually is.

You feel like you're dying.

Even though you're fine on the outside.

I can't really bear it.

I can't bear it.

I can't.
2:56 PM

This is my current playlist:

David Usher - Alone In The Universe
David Usher - Black Black Heart
Counting Crows - Colorblind
Joydrop - Sometimes Wanna Die
Lenny Kravitz - It Ain't Over Til It's Over
Barenaked Ladies - Call And Answer
Dido - Here With Me
Jacksoul - Eastbound
Joydrop - Beautiful
Tears For Fears - I Know This Much Is True
7:54 AM

I'm in pain.
7:53 AM

Tuesday, October 23, 2001

Unless I'm over reacting, the word I would use to describe how I'm feeling is... humiliated.

After waiting for his call, I decided that I was against playing stupid games, so I put my pride aside and called him. He answered after what seemed like 10 rings. He was ho hum. Said he was going to the library. So I said, Oh, well, so am I. Should I meet you there? He said, Sure, give me a call. So I left for the library after eating dinner and walked around trying to look for him. Couldn't find him so I called his cell.

He didn't pick up.

I'm trying to be rational. KGuy is a grown up. Why in the world would he just decide to start ignoring me after a month of calling me constantly and being so affectionate? He must be in a bad mood... right? I don't know.
10:34 PM

From up here the tops of the lower buildings look like empty parking lots and the parking lots look like gutters.

The sky is actually this really soft fuschia colour and the clouds are grey-blue against it.
6:41 PM

I just kept cursing his name last night. I feel like he's acting like he's bored with me. Like he just doesn't give a f*ck. I actually want to try though... I must be stupid stupid stupid.

I feel heartbroken. I feel ridiculous for feeling heartbroken.

I guess the novelty of dating someone completely opposite from me is wearing off.

The stress of everything is crashing down on me. Just everything, my midterms, school, all these appointments I need to travel home for in the middle of the school week, KGuy - everything. I started sobbing in the car with my sister. I just cried and cried.
5:24 PM

The city lights were so breathtakingly beautiful last night, it made me ache inside.

I called KGuy from home last night and his cell phone just rang and rang...

I left my cell on as I slept in case he called back.

He didn't.
5:15 PM

Monday, October 22, 2001

So I'm trying to think less negative thoughts about KGuy and me. I stress way too much about it. So applying some of the principles of the book, I'm just going to visualize something pleasant everytime I catch myself worrying about him. My preferred visualizations are my "bikini dream" where I'm on the beach or on a cruise boat looking absolutely fabulous in my bikini, and my "pharmacy dream" where I own my own pharmacy and I'm standing behind the counter in a lab coat and my hair in a bun.

I think this will work.

Let me ask you a question. The minute you know something won't last forever with someone for sure should you break up with them? Or should you stick it out if you're still having a good time?
3:13 PM

God, why is this so much work?

My happy : unhappy ratio seems to be 50 : 50 lately.
10:47 AM

Okay, I shouldn't dismiss things with KGuy so fast. I really do want to fall in love. I should try harder with him.

Part of me wonders if I'm the one purposefully sabotaging my own relationships. Do I pull away? Do I create awkward silences?
7:59 AM

I've been watching the sunrise this morning and it's so absolutely beautiful. I guess there's one benefit to having to wake up for 8:30 classes.

The sky is in these strips of colour with these violet, wispy clouds. The lights of buldings still glow. It just makes me feel so serene and so hopeful.

Unfortunately, I know I would never be able to enjoy one of these with KGuy.
7:57 AM

I was talking to my Mom tonight. I'm going home tomorow because I have an orthodontist appointment (to remove my braces!) first thing Tuesday morning, and then I'll come straight back to school in time for my anatomy lab.

I told her I would be home around 9:00 P.M. Monday night, which sucks because I'd like to spend more time at home. I really haven't spent any time at home since school started. I haven't been back since the 2nd weekend of September - not even for Thanksgiving!

She said they'd take me out for "siu yeh" (translates to "midnight snack") when I got home. That made me so happy. I really miss chinese late night food in the city.
12:56 AM

Sunday, October 21, 2001

I can feel it.

We're pulling away from eachother, taking our toes out of the water.

Or maybe it's just me.
5:02 PM

I still love that Janet song "Someone To Call My Lover."

2 weeks... 2 weeks.
4:58 PM

I love Christmas. I wish it was Christmas.

Great Christmas song: "Make Sure You're Home" by Profyle featuring Joe and Chico DeBarge.

I'll be in Hong Kong for Christmas this year- which is kinda sad. I wish I were going to be home home for the holidays. Christmas just won't be Christmas in another country, another hemisphere.

I have so many great memories about everything about Christmas. Christmas specials on TV, Christmas shopping, giving gifts, wrapping gifts... snow, hot chocolate, seeing kids line up to see the shopping mall Santa Claus, candy canes, sentimental music - I love it all.

Classic Christmas TV: For Better Or Worse Christmas special and "The Nutcracker Prince" cartoon - the Canadian one with Megan Follows and Keifer Sutherland doing the voices.

I love white Christmas lights. They look like stars in the dark. So beautiful.

I need to not get prematurely excited about Christmas, it feels like Fall just started with the school year. A general rule I have for myself is that I'm not allowed to get excited about it before Halloween is over.
12:11 AM