I'm feeling good tonight. I'm having a girly fun time. And I don't know if this is just the euphoria part of my self-diagnosed manic depression or if I'm genuinely happy. I'd like to think it's the latter.

Maybe I've recovered from everything that happened with KGuy. I am definetely less angry. I wouldn't say that I've forgiven him though. Forgiven is a strong word. Am I supposed to forgive him? How can anyone forgive that? But it's safe to say I'm not as angry about it anymore. Am I allowed to be happy after something like that happening? Well I'm giving myself permission to be happy now.

This whole experience with KGuy has made me appreciate other guys more. I mean, Guy #1 and Guy #2 are great guys. Wow, I can't believe I met both of them last term - I had it going on last term! Haha... I wish I could be as lucky again.
7:43 PM

I love lights at night. I love living in an apartment. I can look out, and the sky is this deep blue colour and the horizon is soft... this soft pink colour. My apartment is warm, but leaning close to the window, I can feel the cold air outside. It makes me think of potential and hope. I can see people walking, cars driving. I can see lights turning on in the apartments across the way. I think it's beautiful, it's all beautiful.
5:38 PM

Getting my life back on track...

Things feel just about normal now.
10:57 AM

Why did I get started? Now I can't stop thinking about Guy #1. I shoud stay far away from this, I can see a bad idea in this. The last thing I want to do is screw up more people. I'm not even sure what to do with this one. Maybe a call... maybe I'll watch out for him on ICQ again and just express how nice it was to see him and then just leave it.

I made some bad choices (KGuy) and I was accordingly punished. Though in retrospect, it hardly seems like it was a choice. He pursued me full on when it first started. How could I resist him? I guess I'm really gonna try to learn my lesson from this one and emerge smarter, but really, would I be able to resist again if someone I was really attracted to showed such obvious interest?
1:00 AM

Friday, November 02, 2001

There were definite opportunities where I could have really come on to him last night. But I didn't. For two big reasons. First of all, it just really doesn't make sense. Long distance was a problem then, it would still be now. Especially since I come home never. Second, I am still licking my wounds from KGuy. And those wounds are friggin' fresh.

I think that on some level, both of us were sensitive to signs from the other. Even if I had wanted things to happen for us again, I just wasn't feeling that assertive last night. I didn't grab on to those opportunities.

What really happened? We exchanged mutual happiness at seeing eachother again ("It's really good to see you again"). When we were walking through the crowds we hooked fingers, I was behind him. But as soon as the crowds cleared up, I let go. Also, I was wearing a backless shirt, and he touched my back a few times (Does he remember how sensitive my skin is to touch?).

He doesn't even know about KGuy. What would he think about that? Well, I probably won't have a reason to ever tell him.
6:15 PM

Last night was really good. It was really good for seeing people.

It was good to see Guy #1. Of course nothing happened, there was some mild affection shown (I don't want to call it flirting cause that's not what it was), and that's just cause there's history there. Have I mentioned that he's the nicest guy in the world?

It was also good for seeing friends.

And no, KGuy wasn't there... which is good.

I'm exhausted though now. I think I might be getting a bit old to party out until 2:30 A.M. and still show up to my 8:30 A.M. class.
7:50 AM

Thursday, November 01, 2001

In the big scheme of things, I will be entirely forgettable to KGuy. He only dated me for a month and he was able to sweep me under the carpet like dust. I, on the other hand, can't forget him that easily. He'll be the one that I first slept with and the one to hurt me like no one else. He'll be the big bad choice I made.

Fukit.
9:55 PM

Have you been searching for me?

Can I hear from you?
9:25 PM

Oh my god! So excited for tonight! It's been a long time coming - I've been needing to party for so long. Seriously!

Guess who's coming up tonight? Yes that's right! Guy #1! Let me remind you that I'm not looking to hook up. It's just nice to remember the one that treated me right. He has dinner plans, then he's gonna drive up after. He said that if he didn't have plans he would have come up earlier to have dinner with me. ;)
5:15 PM

The anger has subsided more and more. I wanna be over this by the end of this week. If I get it all out now, maybe I can be.

Tonight should be a lot of fun. KGuy better not be there. Cause me, and several of my friends will be. Luckily, I'm not very observant at clubs, so even if he is there, I probably won't see him.
9:11 AM

Apparently I look like a biker babe/bad ass when I wrap a bandanna over my forehead.

But then I get the adorable, hippy chick look when I wrap it past my hairline.

Haha... much fun.
1:34 AM

Ah... don't worry, I don't realistically think that Guy #`1 and I are going to hook up again.

First of all, it didn't work out the first time. Things got bland. Also there's the long distance thing, that was a problem before too, and that won't change now that I'm still in school and he's currently in the real world of graduates.

The least I could hope for is that it'll be good to see him. The most is that we'll share some moments, and it will be good remembering things. Will I need to tell him about KGuy? Maybe I could just tell him that I made some bad decisions and I was accordingly punished.

Anyway, I don't know if he'll actually come or not, or if he was just saying that he was considering it to humour me. We'll see.
12:04 AM

Wednesday, October 31, 2001

I was on ICQ (it feels like quite a few of my entries start off with ICQ - I think ICQ is also a little evil) and Guy #1 was on (I've already deleted KGuy off my list - that way I won't be prompted to think about him when I see him online).

Anyway, Guy #1 and I talked a little. I told him how my mom still asks about him. He thought that was funny, he told me to say "Hi" to her next time. I mentioned that me and the girls were going partying at this particular on campus club, and he mentioned that he missed going and that he wanted to go to.

Here's what I wrote:
why don't you come??? i'm so serious... you're not working so you have time to come! come!

He didn't say yes, but he said he'd think about it. :)

Okay, even if my own intentions aren't pure (I've been joking about running back to him after what KGuy did to me), regardless, it will be nice to see him. I do miss him. My missing him is exacerbated by this situation with KGuy. It would just be nice to be see him because he was the nice guy in my life. It'll be a little reminder to myself that not all guys are dogs.

Who knows if he'll actually come or not. I kinda want him to though now.
11:47 PM

I suddenly feel so tired as the weight of everything I've been through in the past 2 weeks lowers on me. Even though I haven't cried in a few days, I still feel the bags under my eyes and the tears on my skin.

I told H that I was ready to meet someone else and she said I was only saying that because I need something new to think about to take my mind off the situation. And she's right. She said it was better to deal with it in the here and now.
4:01 PM

Tuesday, October 30, 2001

I've had enough of this. I think I've been through enough.

When I was a teen (which wasn't all that long ago, but it feels like it was) I was big on the soulmate thing. I really, really believed in it. Since entering this current stage of my life I've totally dismissed it. Really didn't think about it. But now I think I'm ready to believe again. I think I'm ready to meet him. I'm just tired of this dating thing. Not that I've dated a lot, but I've had enough.

I'd like to be able to relax and know that that aspect of my life is taken care of. I'd like to be finally comfortable with my love life. I'd love to meet him.

I can see him. He would be so easy going, really funny... really cool and down to earth. Really friendly and fun. Really varied, like myself, a mix of everything. He'd be smart and hard working - loving his studies. He'd be into pop culture and appreciate my interests. He'd smile readily. He'd be affectionate. We would click.

I think I've learned my lessons. I've matured and I'm ready for him.

He doesn't exist, does he?
12:34 AM

Monday, October 29, 2001

Y'know ever since right after my conversation with KGuy I haven't cried. Instead I have developed this new tic, where my fists clench and I simultaneously say "F*cker" or "Motherf*cker" under my breath. I hate him so much right now. I want this part to be over. I hate this.
6:33 PM

I am filled with such violent anger right now. I still can't believe how lame he was.
9:51 AM

I woke up and I am still fuming.
7:58 AM

Sunday, October 28, 2001

I finally got my answer from him.

He called me today. He was lame. He said sorry. He said he did it because he's "really sensitive to hearing girls cry." And that was his reason for not telling me anything. He said he just stopped liking me.

I let him off so easy. I raised my voice, but I was not screaming. I told him that he can't just treat people this way. Over and over. I didn't swear or call him names. I told him that he should have talked to me. I was so angry. But I didn't lose it.

I let him off easy.

God, I really hope that there will be justice. I really hope he gets what he deserves. I know I sound really malicious right now, but I just hope that karma will do it's thing.

I guess I finally got what I wanted, an answer. But I'm so unsatisfied. But I also guess that this is the low point, and now the real healing can begin. It can only be up from here.
9:40 PM

It's all about grace. And I'm gonna show some. I'm gonna rise above what happened to me.
10:28 AM