I'm in some sort of acceptance stage right now. I'm trying to get my act together and pull up my marks while I can. And maintain my independence and dignity while I can.

I have to keep in mind that just because I've had a handful of failed attempts at relationships doesn't mean that things are doomed. So I've kissed a lot of frogs... one day I'll find my prince? Or one day someone will think I'm their princess.

No more bad choices? Let me just learn from my mistakes.

Ha. No more loud cars. Loud cars equals bad choices. Both me and H were blown off by guys with loud cars. Loud cars equals less of a man.

But anyway, I just have to survive the rest of this year academically. And then once it's all done I'll be a jetsetter on my way to the other side of the world...
11:51 PM

It's very hard to not want to just give up. I think I'm in a bit of a slump.

For the following reasons:

1. I'm doing badly in school despite working very hard this term.
2. I'm still not over what KGuy did to me.

Friday, November 23, 2001

Look at Bill. Those that used to read my old online diary "Who's She?" will remember that maybe. That was back in first year.

And now KGuy. How could I let someone like KGuy get to me?

I can't help but let little details float back to me. It's the little details that kill you.
9:43 PM

(Psst... I have a secret. I'm still not over KGuy. Don't tell anybody.)
9:39 PM

I love my friends!
4:38 PM

Okay today started off badly because I found out I got a 60% on a critical midterm in a course that is in my major. So I was feeling kinda down...

So I went home, I did my pilates mat work-out, I showered and extra-conditioned my hair. I blow dried it out, my "different" haircut from the summer has grown out to have this sexy, fringy look. I put on my dark jeans, my boots, a clingy turtleneck and my leather jacket. It would have been perfect if I had bumped into KGuy. But I didn't, though everytime I heard a loud car drive by, I turned axiously to see if it was a black acura with tinted windows and an a$$hole in the front seat.

I went to my math class and this guy with really, really blue eyes sat next to me. He's so cute... hmm...

So yeah, it's a good day now.
2:51 PM

I hate the f*cking politics of dating. That's something that I don't miss.
11:09 AM

I had a dream that I met this young DJ that's really big right now.... Except he didn't look the way he usually does, but he was still really cute. I dreamed he was so into me...
7:52 AM

Thursday, November 22, 2001

I'm happy with it, but sometimes I sigh because things will never be the same. Things will never be as simple and carefree as they were when I was a child. When mom and dad took care of the details for me. I have to make major life-changing decisions on my own! Of course I wouldn't have my parents do these things for me, but still, it's a little overwhelming sometimes. Sometimes I feel like I have no clue what I'm doing or what I want.

I was walking down the hallway of some building on campus today and I couldn't believe I was here by choice. It's really weird when I take a step back and look at things in perspective.

Speaking of perspective, I've started to gain some on KGuy. I'm starting to think of it as my "one month stand." And that helps me realize how insignificant it was (or should be).
5:02 PM

Wednesday, November 21, 2001

When I look into the mirror I'm still not sure who it is that I see.

I can't believe that I'm still going through this stage... This is stuff I should have figured out a long time ago. There themes are all too familiar.
3:47 PM

Oh yeah, I thought "Harry Potter and The Philosopher's Stone" was really good and I never read any of the books. I felt like a little kid cause I laughed and jumped and cried at all the right parts... It was great. :)
12:08 AM

Tuesday, November 20, 2001

I'd like to think I was unique though. As far as I know, I was the only one that thought of suicide as much without actually making a move to do it.

Of course my experience is unique to myself but didn't everyone have an angsty adolescence? I know it wasn't just me.
5:51 PM

I think I initially meant to keep my miseries silent.
5:50 PM

I am stabilized by routine
Because I know there is nothing else anchoring me to this life
I am just as free to fly as
I am free to fall
I could sink into obscurity
Empty
Realizing I am different
I cannot account for my purpose here
So should I run or stop?
Continue?
Fastforward or rewind?
5:49 PM

Monday, November 19, 2001