Today is Link & Think day. This site is not so much a blog blog as it is a personal diary. I'm not so much part of the blogger community so I feel like a slight cliche or wannabe... but let me share with you my thoughts on AIDS.

AIDS has not directly affected my life or the lives of anyone I know. But I know that doesn't mean that it won't ever. I have no illusions about being invinsible.

There is no cure for AIDS. There are treatments to delay the onset of the disease, but they are lengthy and not without severe side-effects.

AIDS is devastating because of it's potential to bring the lives of the young to a slow halt. Unlike other common North American diseases like Heart Disease and cancer that tend to affect those later in life, AIDS can infect anyone that comes in contact with the virus HIV, which isn't dependant on age.

Don't assume that you don't have it because you have no symptoms. HIV becomes latent within the cells of your body - in other words - it hides. This part of the disease can be long... but that varies. It can be anywhere from half a year to 17 years. The final outcome - AIDS, can last half a year to 2 years before death. This is when the T cell concentration in your blood suddenly drops. T cells are essential for your immune system to fight off opportunistic infections from pathogens that would otherwise be harmless.

Let us not let complacency replace concern. AIDS is a real problem, not just in this country, but globally.

Do your part by practicing prevention. Don't have unprotected sex. Get tested. Don't share needles. Be involved and informed.

1:17 PM

Friday, November 30, 2001

Bumped into lots of friends... it was a good time.

I was on the dance floor and I looked up to the 2nd level overlooking the floor. And I saw KGuy. I panicked a little. I don't know if he saw me, but it's likely that he did. Me and A went off to say hi to someone, and when we returned to the same spot, I didn't look up at the spot where KGuy was standing, but it felt like it was really close, it was creepy. Like he was looming over me and I had a spotlight on me. So I turned my back towards that area so I wouldn't look up and see him, if he was still there.

I didn't see him again that night. I'd like to think that he left for my benefit. Though he probably didn't.

And I need to sit here for a bit and feel a little sad again.

But just for a moment.

There was a point last night where I got hit on. When we were dancing in our little circle, a group of white guys walked through and I accidentally caught the eye of one of them and he started dancing with me. I didn't know what to do, cause I hate being mean to someone or I don't know how to let them know that this isn't a good idea. So I just kept dancing and not looking at him and occasionally looking up to see him staring at me and I would give this sort of awkward smile and look down again. My friends were looking at me but not helping, so after a few minutes I finally got the courage to say "I'm sort of uncomfortable." He took it well, he sorta took my hand and shook it and left.

Aren't you proud of me? I can help myself now. I learned after this summer, cause if no one else will help me out of situations like that, I have to help myself.

Anyway, I got home and found my room mate giggling about something to do with me and someone named W. I thought that this was a joke that her and H were playing on me, but she said that they put "something" in my room. I went to go check it out and there was an envelope labeled "ROOM 905." P said that H found it taped to our apartment door earlier that evening when I was out. I opened it and it said something like this:

Hi, I'm not sure who to address this letter to because I don't know your name, but this is to the girl I met once in the elevator a couple weeks back and in the laundry room last week. Anyways my name is W and I'm on the 12th floor (I usually wear a green cap if that helps!). I hope this doesn't sound too weird but I was just wondering if you weren't busy sometime, maybe we could go do something like go for a walk or a drink. My phone # is ***-**** or if you want you can ICQ me @ ********. Well thanks for reading this, and hopefully I'll hear back from you soon!

W :P

What a night! Well I confirmed that it was me to P and I that I remembered him. H and P guessed that it must have been for me, because it certainly wasn't for P. He probably knew what apartment I was in because he remembered what floor I got off in the elevator, and I wrote my apartment # down in the laundry room (to reserve a machine).

Hmm... I'm not sure what I should do! Ah I'll talk about this more later, this entry is long enough now....
10:11 AM

Interesting things happened last night... I'll tell you about it later...
8:02 AM

Wednesday, November 28, 2001

I walk the streets of downtown, and sometimes I catch a glimpse of myself in the reflection of some window and I look like this lost little girl. Would that make me an easy target? Sometimes it freaks me out when I have to walk alone at night. But sometimes I feel surprisingly safe.
3:20 PM

I thought I was 10 minutes early but in fact I was 5 minutes late for my Calculus test. Whoops.
7:57 AM

Tuesday, November 27, 2001

I felt so sorry for myself I started to cry. But I just barely got 2 sobs out and then Sh called. But I couldn't help but be cold to him. We were in the middle of saying good-bye and his phone cut off. I pressed "End" on my phone.

Two seconds later it rang again, and I thought it was him, but it wasn't. It was my mom. It was a short conversation, but I feel so much better now.

If anyone is going to love you unconditionally and care about you it's your mom. And it's what keeps me grounded sometimes. Knowing that my parents will always think of me. It puts things in perspective. I remember that I can't be so self-centered and selfish. I need to pull myself together and push on.
10:47 PM

I don't think I really know how to live. I don't what went wrong in my development, but something did. Because I am massively screwed up. I am a natural loner. And yet I get so depressed because I am so lonely. I don't know what I want.

I think I am just really really stressed.

I've just been on my feet for the last 2 days. It's been insane. I've been studying and trying to travel back and forth between classes and exams and appointments I have at home 1 and a half hours away. I'm just amazed that the cells of my body are still intact and clinging to each other.
10:18 PM

I am so so tired... more on what's been up in the last 24 hours later.
7:01 PM

Monday, November 26, 2001

Sunday, November 25, 2001

It is a lesson that I've tried and failed to learn.
9:31 PM

Tonight was a big family dinner back at home. For my dad and my grandparents because they're returning to Hong Kong tomorow night. And I didn't go. At the time I made that decision I knew it would be impossible. With my schedule, going to that dinner would mean part of my grade point average. But now I'm so sad... And I miss my dad and even my whole extended family that I'm not even close to. But now I think it would have been so nice to see them all. So nice to see my Dad off. And I couldn't go.

I'll see him when I go to Hong Kong at Christmas, but now I just feel even farther away from home. I feel even more separated from my family. Even more isolated and in my bubble here at school.

They probably went to some big fancy chinese resteraunt. They probably had a big meal, with many, many courses. They probably started off with soup, and that big plate of all those cut up meats like duck, BBQ pork, beef slices. A chicken, perhaps they also had lobster and bowl after bowl of rice and cup after cup of tea. I haven't been to a dinner like that in a while.

I feel like my family is so fragmented now. It's just weird not having my dad at home where I expect him. I feel okay about the whole thing in general, but maybe because I always assume in my mind that he'll eventually return to Canada permanently.. and in the next few years. But who knows really. The world always changes and evolves.
12:25 AM