But now I love my smile again.

It's just the way it was when I was a child.
2:10 AM

P saw KGuy when she was taking a washroom break tonight. We were both at the library. To think that I almost went with her.

The idea of being in the same building of him made me panic.
But wait...
Why am I panicking? I'm not the one that did anything wrong.

But KGuy ecounters seem to be increasing. It's maybe only a matter of time before I bump into him too. What will I do?
1:39 AM

Thursday, December 06, 2001

"I didn't want to see her cry."

And that was what set off my fury.

I thought about it.

I would have had too much pride to cry in front of him.

I didn't cry because I lost him.
Not at all.

I cried because I was humiliated.
I cried because I felt worthless.

But losing him was not worth crying over.
6:14 PM

How could I not blog about the sunset today? Okay I'll do it now.

It happened early, it being winter and all. I was on the 7th floor of the library - a window seat. High enough that everything on the ground looked like a little miniature village. I was bathed in sunlight all day - and basking in it. Loving it. I can pretend it's summer...

As it neared 5:30, the sun began to lower. The sky was blue and pink and glowing. The clouds reflected the colours... it was so beautiful. I just wish I could indulge in it... that I could do more than just look at it. That I could be outside and active in it, instead of looking at it from inside a library while studying.
1:14 AM

Wednesday, December 05, 2001

Before I used the fact that I wasn't over KGuy as my excuse because I'm not interested back, but after last night, I know for sure that I am definitely not over KGuy.
7:57 PM

Okay, okay, I'm feeling better this morning. Perspective... it comes and goes... but right now I have some. I'm off to the library to study now...
10:50 AM

People on the outside think I'm happy. That's such a farce. I am so deeply unhappy.

(I know that people that read this page know better).

It's just a big, big mess.

It's my own fault. And on top of it all, I'm overreacting. But that doesn't make me feel better or make what I do feel anyless painful or relevant to me.
1:44 AM

Now I know for real I don't want to date anyone. Sure someone could be really nice. But what about the day they don't like you anymore? Then suddenly it's not worth it for them to respect you or be nice to you. Then they're free to kick you around when you're vulnerable.
1:43 AM

Everything that everyone thinks of me is true. But it's only part of the truth. It's not the whole picture.

The fact that I slept with him makes it glaringly obvious that I am stupid.

I make myself sick.
1:41 AM

S came over to borrow some notes from P. And he mentioned that he had talked to KGuy... briefly. And just hearing that set off all these emotions in me again. Emotions not quite buried, not quite put away. Things are definitely not resolved for me.

Why do we punish each other?
Why did KGuy punish me?
How can I trust anyone again?
How will I know when I've found someone worthy of my trust?
Does that person exist?
Girls and boys mistreat each other.
We are all so incompatible.

I cry because I feel so worthless.
1:38 AM

Tuesday, December 04, 2001

Well, it's so hard for me to bring up topics like that. Luckily, I didn't really have to. It just came up in conversation. I told him about KGuy and how hurt I was and how I'm not really over it. I told him about how I couldn't go home the weekend after that whole mess happened, and I had really wanted to, and how I ended up staying in my apartment alone crying all weekend. So even if bringing up KGuy wasn't intended to deter him, the message should be pretty clear.

Regardless, W is a really, really nice guy. It was cool to talk to him.
4:55 PM

Sunday, December 02, 2001

1. Melt 2 pounds of white chocolate in a double boiler.
2. Mix in 1/2 a tsp of peppermint extract.
3. Add 12 candy canes crushed into 1/4 inch pieces (we used a beer bottle to crush them in a bag).
4. When everything is thoroughly mixed, pour it out onto a baking sheet lined with parchment paper (we didn't have parchment paper so we used tin foil).
5. Chill until firm.
6. Break into pieces and store in the fridge until serving.

So that guy W. I found out from his ICQ info that he's young. Seriously young. I'm talking serious cradle robbing. Okay, okay, he's 3 years younger than me. I hate talking like this, cause it makes me feel old. But it's true. I mean H (the ex) was that much younger than me too, but that was a different circumstance, a different life.

Anyway, I was super flattered about the note he left me. That he sought me out and remembered me. It's nice... especially since I've been feeling so down about KGuy and all. Who doesn't like it when people show interest in them?

I found out that I used to go to school with his older sister. I was friends with her. And he knows H (the ex) - they went to school together. I just told him H is a family friend, which is true.

He invited me out for a walk. There's a petting zoo across the street and he wanted to go. Well I told him I was going out with P to get ice cream... I'm such a soft heart, I didn't want to say no to him. I just invited him to go with me and P. He declined though, but he also offered to drive us out, and also to drive us to church tomorow... Well I had to say "That's okay."

P asked me if I had told him I wasn't interested yet... and I haven't. I just assumed that the age difference would have deterred him. Maybe not? Hmm... what should I do? He seems like a sweet guy. I want to give him a chance for the sake of being nice, but I know it would just be a gesture on my part.

First. I'm not over what happened with KGuy.
Second. I feel like I'm his elder or something.

Anyway...
1:52 AM