s p a r k l e
f l i r t
b l o g
Saturday, December 15, 2001
One thing I like about the snow (even though it's cold, wet, windy and damn it stings when it flies into your eye) is that at night, the light reflects off the snow and lights up the sky. So it doesn't look so much like night as it does something else... Something between twilight and dusk. It's not dark... it's muted and neutral and still.1:26 AM
Friday, December 14, 2001
I'm sorry Si. I know you don't owe me anything. But I can't help feeling like I should be the one that's close to you. But sometimes I also realize we have zero chemistry. But I admire you so much. I have so much respect for you.I know that you and P are close. It makes me jealous. P is close to so many people. She is the light of everyone's life. I am not that close to anyone. Those that admire me don't know me at all. I wish I had what she had.
I had some things going for me. But people drain me when they copy me. And now what was uniquely mine is no longer just mine.
I think I scare you sometimes. I think I try too hard with you.
9:11 PM
I get depressed the same way the hands on a clock go around and around.
Timing so constant.
Tick tock.
Tick tock.
This is maybe the last time this year? And maybe once more next term, again in late summer, and again same time next year.
Hello old friend.
8:26 PM
I know what I want them to say about me after I die.
I want them to recognize that there was so much more to me than met the eyes. I want them to recognize that there were layers of me that no one saw. I want them to know I had a dark side.
6:21 PM
I have some serious love for Outkast and Erykah Badu.
6:16 PM
I think it's rare when two people can find a complete understanding. And even rarer when that understanding is between lovers. Well... that's true in my life anyway.
Si bought P a bouquet of orchids for her birthday. He didn't even respond to my e-mail when I invited me to my party when it was my birthday. (No I'm not jealous. Okay yes I am. Get over it Erica. You're not as close to him as she is.)
6:14 PM
What is up with guys that think that they can save me?
The girls cited that as a reason for W not being deterred by the fact that I was still messed up about KGuy. That maybe he figures he can be there for me, and help me "heal" or whatever.
CS sorta hinted at being fascinated by my sadness. And look what happened. Sure he worries about me, but I think he was exasperated by the fact that I would not open up to him the way he wanted me to. I tried anyway. And then he didn't respond to my letter for ages...
You can't save me. You can't save someone just like that. Don't think that a devoted ear alone will do it. Unless that devoted ear has a whole lot of patience. Emotional baggage is not glamourous.
You know, I think I give off this image of being this really cute, really giddy, sometimes loopy chick on the outside. And it's so funny. Sure that's part of me, but that's definetely not all me. Those that read this know that my dark side dominates on the inside. I'm still finding out who I am. And trying to put it all in the big picture.
2:51 AM
My roommate P is so loved. Tomorow is her birthday (well essentially today since it's past midnight). And already I know of one of her friends from back home is taking her to a concert, and another guy is surprising her with flowers (he told me because he needs my help getting into the buiding).
I love P and I'm so happy for her... but part of me is so jealous because in order for people to make a big deal out of my birthday I have to throw myself a party. Otherwise it just passes like every other day in this year.
Okay, yeah I'm a little bitter. I tried to get over it this year, but it didn't really work.
But anyway, lucky her.
2:01 AM
My life sucks right now.
I hate exams.
But I just have to think.... one more week.... then I'll be Hong Kong...
1:28 AM
Thursday, December 13, 2001
So W told me that he saw my website. Not this one, but my "real" one (The one that doesn't use a pseudonym).He told me he read my poems.
I joked "So now you think I'm a psychotic?"
And he said that he was actually really impressed and that my writing was really good. He mentioned that I used "big words" and that I was "really good at English" and that he could "really feel" what I was feeling when I wrote those things. And I was really flattered.
He called me tonight. The girls keep asking me "So have you talked to him yet?" And they mean the talk where I tell him that nothing will ever happen between me and him. And I say no. I told them that I brought up KGuy again and how I was still angry about it. They said that wasn't enough, that boys are "stupid" and that I have to spell it out for him or else he'll never get it.
Maaan... why does it have to come to this?
2:13 AM
In exactly a week I'll be sitting on a plane on my way to other other side of the world...
I'm getting more and more excited for it...
2:04 AM
Tuesday, December 11, 2001
(And it still stings. Obviously.)11:36 AM
But will I ever feel safe in anyone's arms again? Or will I always hold back a little, afraid that they would do what KGuy did and drop me too fast for me to land on my feet? Watch me crash ungracefully.
Will I ever willingly give in totally? When do you reach that point where you can relax and say that you're safe? That point where you know that other person wouldn't hurt you. Or at the least, if they had to hurt you, they would try to protect you as much as they could?
And I could scream. But I won't. I'll just let screams come out in tears cried behind doors, where no one can hear them.
11:33 AM
Now that I've been in upper education for almost 3 long years, I'm starting to realize I like things logical and organized. Maybe I should have been an engineer like my dad (or all the boys I so admire... haha) instead of a wishy washy healthie.
No wonder. I should have figured with my attraction to right angles, parallel surfaces and colouring in the lines.
2:43 AM
When I had broken up with Guy #1 over the summer, the song that made me cry the hardest was Sade's "All About Our Love." Which is kinda weird because it's one of the more happy songs on that album.
It's sorta sweet... and sentimental. And so happy in a laid back way...
And I'm trying to sort out my brain. It's sorta a mess. I miss Guy #1.
And I know that is a misguided feeling. Because it didn't work out for real reasons, not just because of circumstances.
Maybe I just miss having someone to embrace. I miss having someone where I can bury my face into their chest and feel protected and warm.
And I could just kick myself when I get this way. I disgust myself because outwardly I am this really independent female. A free spirit and sometimes a prefered loner. But then inside I have this clingy persona. Ah well. I can't think too hard about it, I think too much about it already.
1:49 AM
After dropping P off at the coffee shop for her birthday outing with some of her friends (her actual birthday is on Friday), and I walked the rest of the way home. I would have stayed too, but I have a big exam tomorow. So I walked home alone.
The night was clear. The stars were so clear, each shining. I said hello to Orion. He's the one I can always spot, ever since I was a kid. I love that belt of stars.
I love the small town university life. I love the little community. I love being able to walk to everything.
So I walked home in the dark feeling perfectly safe. I sang softly to myself as I jaywalked across the street...
A moment of perfect content.
12:25 AM
Monday, December 10, 2001
I love my new sweatshirt. It's big and red and hooded. It's all fuzzy on the inside, and it was my comfort blanket today during the exam.2 down. 3 more to go.
4:54 PM
I just want to shake W and tell him that I would be bad for him. That I'd corrupt him and that I'm really not as pure and innocent as I look.
1:46 AM
Sunday, December 09, 2001
So W came to find me in the library, bringing a coffee for me too - which was sweet.(Flashback: KGuy had brought me coffee in the library once... he thought I was there, but I wasn't, that was after the last time I saw him when we were together).
Wow all these guys know the way to my heart is caffiene. Haha...
(Flashback #2: Guy #2 took me to coffee for our... uh... non-date).
I'm starting to get more comfortable with W.
I would get up from my cubicle to go to the washroom or whatever, and when I returned I would find a post-it note from him, with a cartoon on it.
He's super nice, but I'm pretty sure that this will always be platonic.
6:55 PM
Have you ever watched "Summer Vacation," that Chinese movie starring Sammi Cheng? The part where she sings karaoke, that really sad love song... I really like that song. It's the only Asian Pop song on my playlist.
KGuy had sent that song to me over ICQ before we officially hooked up. He even sang it to me softly over the phone.
It's the song that makes me cry.
Okay movie, but great song... I wish I knew what it was called so I could tell you, but I don't.
12:47 AM
(I miss Guy#1 a little. I also know that what happened with KGuy catalyzed these feelings.)
12:20 AM
W called me today. I suspect that he's been trying to reach me for the last little while. I suspect he's the one that leaves hang ups on my voice mail.
Um... yeah. He invited me up for pizza but I had just ate. He invited me to go to church with him tomorow, and I also declined that. I felt a little bad so I asked him if he wanted to join me in the library tomorow. He's such a nice guy. He said he might come look for me there.
Anyway, part of me knows that he might have a little crush on me. The same part knows that this is one sided. But also, it doesn't matter because he'll be out of town next term doing coop.
Another part of me wonders if God sent him to me. My life, for the past year or so, had been pretty much devoid of any spirituality. Too many things to think about. Too much cognitive dissonance. I just have to figure things out in that aspect of my life and I just haven't had time. I don't know if I'm just dragging my feet or what.
I've sorta hinted here and there about my lack of spirituality. And I was afraid he'd get all righteous on me, but he hasn't. He invites me to church each week, each time I've said no. I've always had an excuse though (mainly studying). But I wonder if maybe him being there, and knowing how spiritually strong he is, maybe this is good for me.
Who knows.
12:18 AM
All I feel like doing now is partying. Forget exams....
(I wish).
It doesn't help that I'm playing all my house music. This is not conducive to studying hard!
The 15th... That's when the bulk of everything will be done and we're going out that night... Ack... a whole week away...
12:03 AM
