This is how I deal.
11:11 PM

I hate the f*cking opposite sex. If I wasn't disillusioned then, I am now.
10:50 PM

I just called G for comfort... I feel a little better... not really though. But I'm glad I could talk to him. I love how G is always there for me.
9:12 PM

I'm starting to think there's really something wrong with me.

In high school I was always the one doing the dumping. But since coming to university, I've just been the one being dumped. With the exception of Guy #1, that was a little more mutual.

But really... I'm sick of this. I think all my paranoia about guys perceiving me to be this typical asian chick when they meet me at clubs is justified. This will never work. My old policy is back in effect.
8:45 PM

Uh... okay, RGuy told me at dinner that he wasn't looking for a girlfriend, but that he still wanted to be friends (and he was sincere).

But still.

F*ck.

After that I just wanted to eat faster so I could get out of there.

After that it was more of an effort to smile.

After that I had to start listing all his bad qualities to make myself feel better.
He's short.
He lisps.
He dances weird (but still better than most guys)
He raves.
He smokes up and does e (occasionally)
He's always late.
He's a local.
He has a small bladder (constantly in the washroom).
He had a belly.
We had no chemistry.

God damn. I can't believe I broke my policy for him. I had a policy of no more club pick ups. F*ck f*ck f*k.

Well, okay but things are cool. We talked and we'll probably still see each other and be friends for real.

We talked about KGuy, and how lame his excuse was. But "not looking for a girlfriend" is still lame in itself. If he wasn't looking for a girlfriend, why did he ask me out? Why did he kiss me?

I think I'm really sick of dating now.
8:37 PM

I am so very pleased with how things are going with RGuy at this very moment.

He called me today (as he said he would when he said good-bye last night).

He laughed when I referred to my beautiful computer as a "she."

That's a good sign. :)

We'll go out for dinner tonight.
1:29 PM

This morning has been so peaceful. I thougtht it would be so dry. Because P is gone for the weekend on a retreat and I'd be alone in the apartment - I'm so used to being around her 24/7, we are closer now than I ever remember being to my actual sister. And most of my friends have gone home for the weekend.

My body woke me up naturally around 9:30... and I could hear the girl in the apartment next to my room talking and laughing. She really likes R&B music... I didn't mind, I just lay there listening to her music through the wall.

I got up, washed and made myself breakfast. I still haven't really learned to cook, but breakfast is definitely one of those meals I've got down. I made scrambled eggs (nice and fluffy because I beat them beforehand, as per Martha Stewart's advice) and toast. Y'know, simple... but done right.

I'm actually inspired to do some work, and I'll be seeing RGuy later today I think, so this weekend just may be pretty good.
11:59 AM

Today I hung out with L all day, and had such a good time :). We went to this meeting for breakers (breakdancers) because I had told RGuy that I would be there, and L was interested in learning.

He looked so good, and L loved him. I was so encouraged, because I was feeling so down about it yesterday, but after L couldn't get over how nice he was and how cute, and how much she thought he was so right for me, I'm starting to feel excited about him again.

I have all the reasons to like him for real, and I think it's starting to happen.
1:41 AM

Thursday, January 17, 2002

It's got a sultry, moody, jazzy feel.
11:32 PM

I really don't know about RGuy anymore. This is why I should be single, because getting close to guys just drives me absolutely crazy.

I'm way too insecure.

I'm so insane. I don't know if I would suit him. Just the same old worries. Like, how I'm not one of those typical Asian girls, I'm just me. I'm so eccentric. Okay, he did say that I had a "wicked personality" but what he knows about me is just the tip of the iceberg. There is so much more nuttiness. Does he really want that? Do I really have to deal with letting someone get to know me? What if he doesn't like it?

I just don't think that I'm going to put any hope in this anymore, because I don't know if it will really go anywhere.
11:31 PM

If I'm ever upset, I'll just do what I do best. And that is to write my heart out and out and out...
3:30 PM

I want to go on a date date with RGuy. We haven't been on a real one where it's just me and him. And I'd like that.

I feel sorta bad for last night. It was probably my fault too that no one could tell that we were sorta together (not that we're together, "together" sounds so committed). I think I was feeling too shy. And I didn't feel like I was getting encouragement from him. But maybe it was just the self-fulfilling prophecy (those of you that have taken Pyschology or Social Psychology courses will know what I'm talking about.

So I want to fix that. And I think more one on one time will help me be able to read him more. So I can't wait to call him now.
1:43 PM

Hey I have a blogger code:

B8 d- t- k- s+ u- f+ i o++ x e l+ c+

This is what it means.
1:38 PM

P told me later that she actually saw KGuy earlier on in the night, but never said anything to me because she knew it would put me in a bad mood. I marvelled at how oblivious I can be cause I never saw him before that moment.

P said "Yeah and we were almost in the clear until he came up to me."

Well after that moment, he was all I could see, on the dance floor, getting ready to leave...

But this morning I have some perspective (?) and I've decided that I really like RGuy and that KGuy can kiss my ass.
8:01 AM

Hmm... I can't believe I was worried about too much PDAs... I had the opposite problem. I don't think that people could tell that we were together... not that we're exactly together, though. We did slow dance though, and he drew me close to him. And he smelled sweet... :)

But.... guess who was there. KGuy. He came right up to P, who was standing right next to me, to say hi. I was right there and he totally didn't acknowledge me. And he was there with a girl. She was smaller than me.

It really bothers me that he went up to P like that. It would be different if he had a reason to snub me, for example, if I had treated him badly. But that's not the case. He totally messed me up and disrespected me. So where does he get off snubbing me tonight? Not that I wanted to talk to him, but I didn't want him to be in my face ignoring me while saying hi to my friends.
3:27 AM

Wednesday, January 16, 2002

I'm also sorta curious to see how RGuy acts towards me. I wonder if he'll show any PDAs (Public Displays of Affection) - cause I hate that. I don't even like holding hands in front of other people. He didn't show any last Thursday, when I last saw him. But then we kissed at the end of the night... I have a feeling he won't be bad with PDAs.

We'll see in a few hours...
8:33 PM

Tuesday, January 15, 2002

Y'know, even if this RGuy thing doesn't work out, I think I deserve this. Especially after KGuy made me feel like I didn't exist, and I almost crumbled there. It's not too fast. I've had a few months to get over that one month relationship. So this is not a rebound thing.

I have my doubts though. I'm not really motivated to call and talk to him. I don't know what it is, I feel almost obligated to call him. But perhaps I'm comparing him to KGuy too much. KGuy bombarded me with phone calls, and maybe I got used to it. Til I needed to talk to him.

Well, I felt the same hesitation before calling RGuy yesterday. But after the phone conversation was over I was beaming and all lovey dovey again. Maybe I just have a picking-up-the-phone-phobia.

This is ridiculous. I'm sorry that all I have to talk about is boys. But what else would you want to know about my life?

Would you want to know about the Calculus assignment I handed in today, or the fact that I finally got my driver's license? Would you want to know that I made spaghetti sauce from scratch for dinner today (Martha Stewart's recipe)? Would you want to know that I'm disappointed that Buffy was a rerun today? Would you want to know that I think that the boys in B2K are really cute for 15 year olds? You don't think these things are mundane? Okay, I'll try to diversify my posts.
9:44 PM

I think I'm loving the colour red right now. I walk around with my red tote, my red gloves and my pencil case with the felt red kimono on it. And I feel adorable.
9:13 PM

When I remember my relationship with Guy #1, I feel such peace. He currently holds the softest spot in my heart, but I do know things would probably never happen between us again. That I know, and I hope he knows that too.
11:42 AM

Monday, January 14, 2002

P likes him, and I feel so encouraged by this. She didn't like KGuy, and I didn't listen to her then, so I'll listen to her now.

H was saying that she doesn't know anyone else that dates so much, but I countered that she was the same way before she met her current, really nice, really great boyfriend. I don't see myself as a really big dater though... Little me? That can't be!

Well really, I think I'm just running into some luck now... I mean I was single all summer long.

Anyway, I'll be seeing him Wednesday. Really, who knows what will happen. I shouldn't let myself get too excited.
11:24 PM

I love kissing. It's so... intimate...

We were talking on the phone last night, and as I listened to his deep voice, I let it embrace me as I remembered that kiss and let my eyes flutter closed...
2:56 PM

He's so sweet! I'm totally in my lovey dovey stage...
8:59 AM

RGuy is a huge step up from KGuy. God... I don't know what I was thinking when I stayed with KGuy. I was so blind.

Anyway, did I mention to you how I was sorta scandalized that RGuy kissed me? It wasn't really a date date, I didn't know what to expect. Some guys don't kiss on you on the first date. It depends on the situation I guess.

But, of course, that kiss was all that I could think about this whole weekend.

It was the way all first kisses should be... Awkward... still getting to know eachother, still getting used to eachother's rhythms. But he didn't attack me (the way some inexperienced guys will, thinking that passion happens just like that).

There was a small pause, and then back for more. His tongue lightly traced my bottom lip. Remembering that sends shivers down my spine.

I'm so excited to see him again...
12:27 AM