I feel like I am floating,
Nothing anchors me to this world.
8:12 PM

New favourite song: "Truth" by Janet Jackson
8:07 PM

I heard through some grapevine that KGuy has dropped out of school. That may just be a rumour though.

I'm at that point of forgiveness that I feel concerned for him. Why would he do that? This was supposed to be his last term before graduation. Perhaps he was kicked out - caring about academics was not really his strong point.

That's too bad for him. I feel sorry for him.
2:58 PM

Friday, January 25, 2002

No boy has ever gone to so much trouble for me.

I'm just amazed.

But at the same time cautious, because a miserable voice in my head says What if this is just some elaborate game to see how far one girl can get pushed? But my 6th sense tells me that is not the case.
9:07 PM

So RGuy called me again last night.

And asked again if I was going to that party... and I said I didn't know. He asked if I was doing anything beforehand, and I said no. He asked if I would come with him to coffee because there was something he needed to talk to me about.

I said okaaaay... I didn't try to hide the "What's going on?" tone in my voice.

I didn't know what to think. I thought of 3 possibilities:

1. More bad news (eg. I don't want to be friends!)
2. He somehow found out I was mad and wanted to talk about it
3. He wants me again.

So he picked me up. I found myself talking to him easily, because I told myself to go into this not expecting anything. And it was fine.

Then he brought it up. He asked me to hear him out totally before I said anything.

And the whole time he was talking I just stared down with my fingers clasping my cofffee.

He more or less asked for another chance. He told me about how he never expects bar pick ups to work, because they never have in the past. He told me how he woke up Sunday morning feeling awful and he spent the whole week thinking about me. He told me he never met anyone that he was attracted to that also had a great personality that he got along with so well. He told me he liked me a lot. He said he was confused and he didn't want to ruin things so that's why he wanted to preserve what we had through friendship. But that it was a big mistake. He said that he felt he had ended something that never really started. And he ended by sorta ducking his head and saying "I hope you'll give me another chance." He was so earnest, and so hopeful but scared...

What was I supposed to think? What was I supposed to say?

I had to talk to him before I gave him an answer. I think he may have been expecting the worst. But I had to tell him everything from my side first.

I told him about my own bad experiences with bar pick-ups. I even told him about Bill, my first pick-up. I talked about KGuy more. I told him about how I broke my policy for him and then regretted it. But most importantly I told him how angry I was after Saturday. How hurt and pissed off I was.

I made him squirm a little... But you all know I'm the biggest softie in the world. But I was determined to not let him off so easy.

He asked at least 3 times for another chance in the conversation because I wasn't giving him an answer right away, not before I said everything I needed to say.

But in the end, I gave in... I said okay...
1:39 PM

Thursday, January 24, 2002

1. Smile, let your eyes sparkle!
2. Laugh when they say something funny
3. Stand close, important body language!
4. Lean in to their ear when you talk to them, as if you're telling them a big secret
5. Look them right in the eye, it's sexy
6. Tease them a little, make jokes about something they said, not too harsh though!
7. Touch their arm or hand (only for the aggressive!)

I adore dark chocolate. It's gooood.
2:01 PM

My phone started ringing at 11:30 PM, and I was like "What? Who is calling at this hour?"

It was RGuy.

I'm still confused. I still feel stupid. I sorta feel like a charity case.

But it was a good conversation, good in terms of flow, not because we talked about anything significant.

He was asking me if I was going to this particular party tomorow, he seems sorta concerned about whether I'm going or not, like he really wanted me to go.

And I really appreciate that he's really trying to be nice and to be friends. But I don't really understand. I feel more like he's just going out of his way for my sake rather than because he really wants to. Well we'll see if I go at all.
1:05 AM

Wednesday, January 23, 2002

Tuesday, January 22, 2002

Uppercuts are really fun - they make me feel powerful.

Too bad I'm powerless when it comes to just about everything else.
11:18 PM

What am I supposed to do to prevent sh*t like this from happening again?

The next time someone asks me for my number, am I supposed to say "Oh wait... let me make sure... you're actually looking for a girlfriend, right? Cause if you're not, then don't waste my time or my feelings."

Am I supposed to assume that most of what comes out of some guys mouth is completely meaningless?
3:21 PM

I feel a new infusion of anger.

I can't believe he said I was special! You can't say sh*t like that and make me feel all good inside and then ditch me a week later!!

F*cking men!

What the f*ck is wrong with him? What the f*ck is wrong with me?
3:18 PM

I think a lot of asian guys out there want their girlfriends to be like fragile, delicate china dolls.

And I say that's just not happenning.
2:21 PM

I need to find some peace.

Could I find that peace through more yoga?
Or through a successful relationship?

I would love to be a serene person.

But instead I have been stuck with these manic tendencies. I feel everything about 200 times what they're worth. Coffee makes me crazy, makes moments unbearable.

P tries to reassure me and tell me it's part of my charm. But I don't really think anyone else thinks it's charming.
12:03 AM

Monday, January 21, 2002

But it's okay. I'll deal. I'll deal with it in my own special way. And I'll rise above it.
8:34 PM

I'm so sore from doing a strenuous yoga session yesterday...

But I really feel like working out. This is my way of dealing with my frustration.
12:52 PM

I had bought the VCD for "In The Mood For Love" back in Hong Kong, and finally felt like watching it today. It was the only movie on me that wasn't a romantic comedy. God, who feels like watching a romantic comedy after getting rejected??

Well... to my horror, there were no english subtitles. Dammit. I only understand maybe 40% of spoken Cantonese (and that's only a very good day where everyone speaks very slowly). I grew up watching english subtitles when watching chinese movies.

So now I don't know what to do with it. And I only felt like watching artsy movies today. Maaaann...
12:05 AM

Sunday, January 20, 2002

I had bought lemons for P's sore throat today, but her throat is actually doing okay... so the idea popped into my head to make Lemon Chicken.

I searched the web and found an appropriate recipe. Making rice and steamed broccoli to go with it. I'm so pleased with myself (but still pissed off because of RGuy - no one likes being dumped).
8:18 PM

Okay I'm back down from my mania again. I feel so pessimistic right now.

I feel like everywhere I turn, there's another ex-boyfriend, there's another guy I used to date, there's another guy I kissed long time ago.

On another related note, I think I've finally forgiven KGuy. As much as I can, anyway.

I still think there's something wrong with me.
12:38 PM

I woke up too early this morning. And I couldn't stand it. I just wanted to forget everything and go back to sleep. It took a while before I fell back asleep.

I just woke up 1/2 an hour ago, and it's still cr@ppy, but better. So I got myself up, and in a girl power mood, blasted my music and with the occassional cursing, I got myself awake.
11:01 AM

I am fully aware of my own mortality. I just wish it would work faster.
12:21 AM