Maybe I should tell him, "You don't want me. Because you don't know me. You never did. And I don't know you." I need a reason to ruin my life, because just ending it would be selfish.

I daydream about getting pregnant and ruining my life that way. My parents would disown me and I'd live on my own, just me and my baby. I could start again. I'm not serious. I couldn't get pregnant now anyway, because RGuy and I haven't even had sex yet.

I can't imagine living at home again once the school term is over. How will I stand it? I'll go crazy. I'm asking my Dad to look for placements in Hong Kong for me, perhaps I could teach English? It would give me a chance to start again, away from people I know. It would be fresh. I could escape and get away. I would have an excuse for not going out on a Friday night.

I'm just rambling at this point. Don't worry about me, I just need to get it out of my system.
11:53 PM

I hate myself too. What's wrong with me? Is it a hormone thing? I haven't felt this way in so long, I almost forgot about depression. I almost dismissed my past ("Oh yeah, I used to get depressed."). But here it is again, a deep, desolate hole. Where I can't find a reason to go on and try. I give up. I'm tired and I'd rather be alone, and I wish that people wouldn't notice so I wouldn't feel like anything was out of the ordinary. It's just me, me being alone. As I am now.
11:46 PM

I think the only reason I would want my sister to meet RGuy is so that I can determine if he likes her better than me, and if that's the case, then I can dump him. Otherwise, I really don't care if they meet or not. I just want to make sure that he's not one of the 99% of the guys I know that think she's way cooler than I am.
11:36 PM

I'm going through an "I hate everybody" stage right now. I think I've had enough vacation and I'm ready to get away from home and get back to home #2 (school) again.
11:34 PM

Thursday, February 21, 2002

Confusion also. Last night I went through this whole panic thing and wrote this down in my diary:

Why why why is it so hard for me to feel like I like him? People ask if I like him, and I hesitate. I don't know why. Does that look bad?

Physically, I have no problem getting close to him. But emotionally, and maybe he wouldn't guess this if I never said anything, it's so so hard. Is it because of KGuy? Is it because of RGuy's mistake? Or is it because there's no hope for us - it's just not meant to be? I have no reason to give in. He's perfectly nice and our chemistry is getting better.

Maybe I feel like i still don't know him. Like we're not close. I feel like there's still tons I don't know about him. Like he has a whole other side I've never seen.

Am I his girlfriend? What does that mean? Is this why I'm so bad at this relationship stuff? I just can't handle it. I don't know what it means to be attached to someone, and how to make it real, how to make it work. I don't know how to not let it drive me crazy.

Do I have commitment phobia? But I haven't actually done any dumping since high school. So it hasn't been my fault.

Ugh... so disgusted with myself.
1:53 PM

Wednesday, February 20, 2002

Ack! How lame am I?

Did some street shopping in the rain today. Spent a ton. Hehe.

Got my lady like boots... really sexy. Got lots of tops, and even a dress. All on sale of course :). I finally got the shopping bug out of my system.
6:50 PM

Tuesday, February 19, 2002

We went indoor cosmic mini-golfing next. I really have no depth perception in black light - I kept missing the ball (I know I'm a geek). Anyway, I'm glad I took care of that. Just unfinished business.
7:16 PM

Someone from some marketing company called asking if I wanted to do a survey that would take "a few minutes." Okay, cause I'm really too nice and in school we've been learning a lot about research and the like (stats, experiments, correlation, surveys) I agreed.

Why? Why? Why did I agree? I found myself answering questions on tomatoes, GICs, household cleaners and health care. Okay, I'm glad some of it was on health care, cause I actually have an opinion about it, but the rest of it was garbage. "Few minutes" my ass. That thing took 10-15. Lies! Why do they lie?

It's not like it was for legitimate research - like the government looking to make changes for people's benefit - it was marketing research. I'll never agree to do one of those again.
12:12 PM

I think sleeping with another person is an incredibly intimate experience. And I'm not talking about sex. I'm talking about literal sleep, like where your eyes are closed and you're dreaming.

RGuy stayed over on Friday. And it was nice. It wasn't uncomfortable. He didn't snore or hog the blankets. I think he was spooning me at one point. I put my arm across his chest and he held it there - Guy #1 had done something similar when I had stayed with him once (that night is the fondest memory I have of him).

What's funny is that I don't remember thinking all these things after sleeping with KGuy, and he had stayed overnight a few times when we were together. KGuy snored too. Loudly.

Maybe the way another person sleeps with someone else there says a lot about them or a lot about the relationship.

I'm so glad RGuy doesn't hog the blankets - I can imagine sharing a bed with him in the future.
11:25 AM

Sunday, February 17, 2002

The best part is that I have no classes tomorow.

I sorta miss RGuy. But I've really kept the gushing to a minimum this time around. Am I maturing?

I really feel like partying. This is a big city... there's something to do on a Sunday night, right?
3:16 PM