But now I'm starting to feel discouraged. That the human race is so predicatble. That individuality doesn't exist - not in the way that I always believed it did.

I thought individuality was an abstract thing, something that made you unique by your own means.

But you are born just like your parents... when you are born you are made of your parents genes. Then your individuality is made for you by your environment, your culture, your friends... everything around you. You are made by your parents and your surroundings. You are not you, you are a product of other things. Do you sorta understand what I'm getting at?

For example, if you told me about a person, their genetic make-up, and all the social influences they've experienced throughout their lifetime, if you put them in some situation, I could probably predict their actions very well. It is not their decision, it is a decision based on everything in their life, not their own. Am I explaining this well?

Ah well... I'm just gonna continue finishing my readings.
4:00 PM

Remember W? The guy I met last term when he left a note on my door? The one who I wasn't sure liked me because things seemed platonic, which is the way I wanted things. But then I found out he liked me for real, but because I told him I wasn't over KGuy understood that we were just friends? Who I told over my reading week that I had a boyfriend now?

Well, yesterday, I came home from dinner with friends and found a box at our door. It had been couriered over, addressed to me, from W. So I opened it and found something that was like a care package. It had instant coffee, gum and various other things in it. It also had a letter. The first page was pretty cool... just like a regular letter, light hearted. But on the back of the page there was more. It said:

P.S. - Thanks for letting me know about RGuy, How are things with him? And just out of curiousity, you don't have to answer this if you don't want to... but would you ever give me a chance if things didn't work out between you two? :P Just wondering!

Oh God.

Just when I thought I had closed the book on this one. W is the nicest guy, he's also so pure, so innocent, so much still a kid - it makes me want to protect him, because he deserves so much better than to get his heart broken by me. But here he is, putting himself in a position where I'm gonna have to crush him. And it makes me so sad because he deserves so much better! I'm not the purest girl out there, I'm not even Christian anymore.

I'm not sure what to do. Maybe I'll write him a letter back and word it very carefully.
12:42 PM

Thursday, March 07, 2002

I never realized how much I actually depend on that stuff. I am known among the girls for being a crazy note taker in class. But when I wasn't on coffee this week I just couldn't focus. My notes sucked. I didn't get that much out of lectures cause I was just so dozey and sleepy.

Today I gave in and bought a butter pecan, medium coffee at one of the cafes located on campus. And wow it tasted so good. And there I was, my old self, crazy note taker again, back to normal.

So I lasted four whole days without coffee. Which isn't that bad I think.

I guess I shouldn't be bragging about my bad habit, but hey, it could be much worse.
4:06 PM

I envy RGuy's ability to talk to his friends about our sex life openly. He can ask around about contraceptives (e.g. what everyone uses, what works, etc), but I only ever talk to H or, I guess, my sister about things like this. It's just sorta taboo in my circle of friends. I don't even talk to P, my own roommate and very good friend, about things like this. I don't necessarily think that I want to talk to P about it, it's just that, I wish it was easeir to discuss issues.
3:33 PM

I can still smell him on my skin. And I miss him.
2:42 AM

Wednesday, March 06, 2002

Anyway, I bought myself a ticket to that event tonight, so looks like I'll be going out!

I love how just walking around campus I bump into friends constantly. It's awesome... I feel like such a social butterfly :).
5:38 PM

Since I missed those 2 midterms on Monday, I have to make them up sometime soon. So instead of this being my "partying because I have a break" week, it's my "continuing to study hard" week. Blah.

RGuy is breakdancing at this event tonight, and I wanted to watch him, and support him. But he understands that I have to study. I feel bad though. Is this one of those things where I'm supposed to go anyway? I might drop by...
9:04 AM

I'm feeling much better now.

Apparently UTIs are very common, especially in women.

Sometimes it just happens... someone shared with me that it also happens when you have a lot of sex. I have a theory that it may be connected to this contraceptive I tried - VCF. But I guess one can only speculate.

My Dad called me again from Hong Kong to check up on me :).
1:46 AM

Monday, March 04, 2002

I adore him for that. I adore him for taking responsibility for me. The relationship is still new, but he still held my hand as I cried with baggy eyes in clothes I had to throw on at the last minute.

They don't know what I have, they assume I have a urinary tract infection, though they found no bacteria in my urine, just a lot of blood.

I shed a lot of tears at the hospital. I was just scared and stressed. They took an ultrasound of my kidneys and pelvis and found nothing unusual.

I have prescription anti-biotics. I feel fine now. I was released at 3:00 PM, I went home with L and H who came to see me. Everyone showed their love and I am so grateful. I missed my two midterms as a consequence though...

I've spoken to my sister back at home and my parents all the way in Hong Kong already. I'm fine... it just hurts like a b*tch when I pee.
7:59 PM

Sunday, March 03, 2002

Remy Shand rocks. So does Groove Armada ("Superstylin") and Tweet ("Oops Oh My"). And Gypsy Kings... haha... I love music.
12:16 PM

I was trying to put a finger on what I'm attracted to. And I was trying to think about if I was attracted to good looks... and I don't think that's it. I know everyone always says that, but I mean it. I think style is more important to me. Like the guy coordinates and knows what looks good on him. He could have an ugly face, but a keen sense of style, and I'd be attracted to him.

KGuy was like that. Most people didn't understand what attracted me to him, but KGuy had great style, but a face that was more unique than it was pretty. He always looked good, he dressed well. RGuy also has great style. They're different though.

KGuy was into the funky look, like slightly flared jeans with button down tops or fuzzy sweaters, diesel shoes, black, thick rimmed glasses, spiky hair. RGuy is more into hip hop style, with dark baggy jeans, chunky boots and sweaters, button down tops (I really like button down tops), spiky hair (another thing I really like).

Whatever his look, as long as he knows what it is, I love style in a guy.
12:04 PM

I was eating dinner with P at a friend's place. And they all know RGuy too... and they brought him up in conversation, and they referred to him as "her R---", nodding in my direction, because they know more than one person with the same name as RGuy. And that was so weird! It was weird to hear him referred to as "mine." I don't know how I'm ever gonna get used to that! It sounds so hard core.

I can't get over how he let me cry on his shoulder the other night. I won't tell you what I was crying about, but I was upset. I just don't want to be so explicit here. He just took me in my arms, and I cried mascara tears on his shoulder while my hands clutched his back. And he just comforted me, making sure I was okay. And I am so amazed at him for that.
12:13 AM