I finally wrote that letter to W in response to that question he asked. And I couldn't find his mailing adress. I thought I would've stored it in Microsoft Outlook, but I guess I'm not as organized as I thought. I was looking through my desk drawer to see if I had any of his other letters stashed in there and I stumbled onto something that I had been looking for.

It was a pros and cons list that I had made shortly after KGuy had thrown me out. I knew I had put it away somewhere but I couldn't remember where, which is not good because if anyone else found it, they would probably find out a lot more about KGuy and I than they would ever want to. There were some pretty intimate details in there! It was my way of dealing, and it started out with an even amount of pros and cons, but eventually so much more cons.

I laugh at some of the stuff I put down on the cons list like:

• stupid tatoo
• bad singer
• motherf*cker
• baby talk

• smokes
• asian pop
• rude to my friends
• rude to my sister

• style
• good in bed
• exciting
• spent so much time with me

I think these photos of Malaysia are beautiful. I can't wait to go back to the Eastern hemisphere.
6:46 PM

Okay, last night I was planning on taking it easy, trying my new yoga tape (70 minutes!) and doing some work. Fifteen minutes into the yoga tape, my phone rings. It's my cousin, and he was coming up to party in my town... so of course I have to go out!

So yeah I went out last night. RGuy was out of town for the night. It was fun... Saw lots of people and met some new people too. Uh, got hit on by some frosh... Been there, dealt with that:

"Do you want something to drink?"

"No, I think I've had enough."

"What's your name?"

"Erica."

The conversation ended there. I think I've finally discovered the right balance between not encouraging guys and not crushing them.

I did give my ICQ number to a friend of my cousin's though. The fact that I was not on the market didn't come up in conversation. I mean how often does that sort of thing come up in conversation without sounding arrogant or pretentious? I'm just gonna treat it like a platonic thing. Whatever.

Anyway, I'm glad I went out. I got home close to 3 A.M. and still managed to get up for my 9:30 A.M. classes. It's all about working hard and playing hard :).
4:21 PM

Uh... I was slightly bad last night. I didn't break any rules though. I'll tell you about it later...
8:42 AM

Wednesday, March 13, 2002

This was at the point in the night.... or early morning.... who knows what you classify 5 A.M. as.... where they didn't know what was wrong with me yet. My second urine test showed no bacteria... again, just a lot of blood. And he was telling me that he was scheduling an ultrasound for me and he was recommending that I see a specialist - a urologist. I was probably sitting there wide eyed, on the verge of tears.

And he said to me "Don't worry, you're young and healthy. It's probably nothing to be too worried about."

And I nodded, but in my head that phrase was meaningless. It didn't really offer any comfort. Here I was with some problem and no one knew what it was. Being young and otherwise healthy seemed inconsequential.

But it just occured to me that he probably sees people a lot older than me in his line of work suffering from a wide range of things. I realize that it's the older people that need health care the most, North America is a country of chronic diseases.

I know this is just a minor point, but as a health student, it's a point that is driven into us in classes, but I never really thought about what it's really like out there, in health care land. I mean, you know about it, but you never really think about it critically. I am fortunate to be young and healthy - at a stage of my life where I can still practice prevention.
11:08 PM

This is gorgeous.
10:31 PM

Wow I think I must be pretty emotionally stable right now cause I can't think of much to say in this blog lately.

Let's see... family life is good. I've been in touch with my mom and dad in Hong Kong through e-mail. I sent my dad this a quick notel:

dad i'm starting to get worried I have no summer job!

And he wrote back:

Erica,

Keep looking. Use your networking skill. This is life, and you are
experiencing it.

Did you check with your last employer?

I will keep an eye for you for any opportunity. Don't worry, it will be OK.
in time.

...Dad

Aww... I miss my dad. The most sane person in my family.

Then there's my sister... I gave her a call earlier this week.

And then there's RGuy. Both of us are really busy, and I still haven't completely gotten comfortable with everything yet, but as far as I can tell, things are good and neither of us are gonna get up and run away in the near future.

So yeah... emotionally, everything is where it should be.
10:28 PM

When I wear my ratty, faded, linty, violet-coloured slippers around the apartment, I feel like it's my "ghetto Asian housewife" look.
2:53 PM

I just watched "Legally Blond" with the girls... and I thought it was adorable. I wasn't a huge Reese Witherspoon fan before but I think she's managed to win me over with this one.

I was feeling really discouraged about everything, my future, everything. I was just questioning everything.

But now I feel better.

I don't know why, I guess that movie was a little inspiring, even though it probably wasn't necessarily meant to be that way. I know it's just a movie, but the character went through so much worse things than I have. And she was successful in the end, more than successful. I guess I can maybe hope for the same for myself.
12:06 AM

Tuesday, March 12, 2002

Well I can't help it! I've been single so long, now suddenly I'm with someone.

I used to think a relationship would make me feel safe... but I don't. If anything I just feel more insecure cause I keep waiting for him to get up and run away. But other than these inner feelings, things are good with us.
6:09 PM

I did both yoga and pilates today because I just didn't want to do any work. It felt and still feels really good.

I just really can't wait for it to be summer again.

I can imagine walking outside without a coat... the sun shining.

Right now the sunset is shining orange shapes onto my wall.

It's just beautiful.
6:02 PM

Today it's just gorgeous outside so I can't help but be in a somewhat better mood.
12:10 PM

Monday, March 11, 2002

What does this say about me?
10:53 PM

I think I'm in a slump. I'm starting to doubt everything I've done until now and everything I had planned to do in the future. I don't think I could take four more years of school. Pharmacy school just seems so unpleasant right now. Is it worth four more years of this crazy studying and crazy stress?

As horrible as it is to say this, I wish I could just become a housewife. Or I wish I could start over and do things differently, chose a different career path. I see no future in sight right now. I wish I could be an artist living in a little place downtown. I'd just be creative all day.
10:24 PM

I think that "The Social Psychology of Health Behaviour" can kiss my pretty little ass.
6:02 PM

Right now school work is just getting me so down...

All I feel like doing right now is mass amounts of yoga. I don't want to study for my midterm, I don't want to work on my assignment.
4:55 PM

Sunday, March 10, 2002

I'm starting to miss my single life.

I know, I know... grass is always greener on the other side... But it's always so much nicer when all you have to worry about is yourself.

Maybe I'm just getting the 1-month-&-10-days-itchy-feet syndrome.

It's just... there's an aspect of my relationship with RGuy that's gonna need some fine tuning. It's complicated. It's a superficial aspect but still very important nonetheless.
10:55 PM

If I had gone into design at college instead of health at university, do you suppose I would have been done by now? Do you suppose I would've had a career by now? Do you suppose I would have moved out into my own little place by now? Do you suppose I would have been happy?
3:43 PM