I'm starting to get this theory that I create conflict in my head so that I have justification for running away.

I'll be honest and say things with RGuy and me are more than fine. As far as I know between us.

All the panicky things I write in here are things that are in my head.

The pot thing was an issue with me. But it was dealt with. I don't want him to change for me - it's not like he's a chronic user. I just need to establish my own boundaries around it.

Tonight is dinner at his place. His parents won't be home, so I'm home free with the speaking Cantonese thing. It can be put off til another time.

Right now I'm trying to study for my Calculus test... You can see how well I'm doing by how many times I blog today... haha.
2:25 PM

When someone has really diverse taste in music, I can be pretty sure that I'll probably like them and get along with them really well. Cause then they're just like me.
2:22 AM

Friday, March 22, 2002

But why am I still so unsure?

The thing between me and KGuy was that we were so different. And after he hurt me I swore I would never do that again. Never date someone that so completely embodies the opposite of everything I value.

So when RGuy came into the picture, I was so glad to find someone a lot more like me.

But I'm starting to realize that we're not that similar.
6:03 PM

I ended up meeting him there. When he showed up, I tried to act normal. I tried to not look too closely.

He leaned over and whispered to me "I didn't smoke up."

Relief.

No one else wanted to do it with him, and he didn't want to do it alone. So he didn't do it at all.
9:05 AM

Thursday, March 21, 2002

Maybe I really am a commitment-phobe.

RGuy is a good guy. He wants to be honest with me. We're all going out tonight and he told me he'd be smoking up beforehand. He tells me because of his honesty policy. My immediate reaction is that I don't want to be there when he does it. I don't want to go with him, I'd rather meet him there so that I don't have to be hyperaware when he leaves the room to get high.

He doesn't understand ("I don't think it's a big deal" he says). He says he won't even tell me when he does it so that I don't have to know. But how could I not? It would weigh on my mind. I wouldn't want to be near him afterwards. I would be too worried. I'd watch him too carefully, to look for signs that he is not himself. I'd look at his pupils (are they dilated? are they glassy?).

The conversation becomes awkward. There is a very apparent discomfort, on my side at least.

I never realized how conservative I am, how much of a square I am, how uptight I am... I didn't realize these things til I started dating guys like this, and they brought these things into my court.

I hate conflict. It's not a fight. It's two different worlds trying to find a medium.

To ease the discomfort, I want to say "Okay, maybe it's not a big deal." But I need to catch myself everytime I'm about to say that. Because it's not true for me. Maybe it is for him, but not me. Definitely not me. Why should I compromise? I won't.

So I'll meet him there.

But I'll still watch his pupils... afraid.
9:32 PM

I wrap my thin arms around my bare legs. I have that slightly warm, tingly feeling in my limbs, the feeling you get right when you've just worked out. I notice a nick on my knee. I stick my finger in my mouth and then rub my finger on the cut to get rid of the blood.

As I do this I think about what a burden it is to be a girl.
7:45 AM

Wednesday, March 20, 2002

I can just imagine it:

"Hello auntie!"....

"Um..."

...

Okay, here's the deal with me and my mother tongue. I suck at it. I'm the only one in my family, both sides, that can't speak more or less fluently. I'm the white sheep of my yellow family.

I can understand better than I can speak. When I try to say things, the right word or phrase just eludes me. Going to Hong Kong improved this situation a little though. But when I was there, I could get away with speaking English most of the time. I'm trying to anticipate the sort of questions she'll ask me so I can practice ahead of time.

I'm sorta nervous now.
5:49 PM

Sometimes I cry when I hear my mother's voice - because I miss her so much.

The stress comes down on me... as it always does when I haven't been home in a long time.

And I feel the smooth exterior starting to crack as I let myself break down behind closed doors when nobody's around.
1:25 AM

Tuesday, March 19, 2002

RGuy is coming over and we're gonna watch the "Empire Records" DVD I bought.

I love that movie. A 90s classic. I rememer watching it with the girls back in high school and we'd be singing along to "Sugar High." And dreaming we could be as sweet as Liv Tyler or as slutty as Renee Zellweger. Or wishing we could date Johnny Whitworth ("He's soooo cute!"). What a great movie.
3:07 PM

I was experiencing "itchy feet syndrome" all day today. I don't know... I guess I'm just insecure. And I haven't seen RGuy in ages.

He had called me and left me a message when I was out. And I tried returning his call - twice. Finally he called me closer to twelve....

Well it was good. We talked for a good long while. Do you remember when I told you I wasn't sure about our chemistry together? And how our phone conversations never lasted that long. Well, now it was so easy just to pass the time on the phone with him.

He wants to see me tomorow. He wants to make dinner for me this weekend. At his place (where I've never been). And his parents might be home. I was just amazed when he told me this. I was almost speechless. This is such a big deal! And he was talking about how his friends asked him if he wanted to go take a trip April 13th, where we both a have a break between final exams. And he asked me if I wanted to go.

Wow - he must be serious. I'm just amazed.

I like him - obviously I like him. But I feel bad because it hasn't been easy for me to admit to myself that I like him. I guess I'm still protecting myself. All because of everything I've been through this term. With what KGuy did to me. And because he had let me go that time. Should I tell him? Maybe I need to hear him reassure me. Or maybe I'll just scare him off because I'm just insane. I don't know.

Maybe with time I can relax...
1:21 AM

Monday, March 18, 2002

• E-mail, because it helps me keep in touch, especially since both my parents are on the other side of the world
• The coming of summer, I`m starting to get cabin fever here at school
• RGuy, because he was there for me when I needed him
• HMV DVD sales - got "Empire Records," "Bridget Jones Diary," and "Casablanca," all for about $60
• Time, cause I`m gonna need it to be ready for finals this term
• Homemade bread at this certain diner in town, because they soak it in butter (mmm... butter... droool) and serve it with raspberry jam
• My education, because it gives me insight and an objective eye on everything that goes on around me
• My friends, because we learn from each other, especially with all the crazy stuff that was going on this term

Sunday, March 17, 2002

It's just so sad.

It makes me feel sad that a country, even if it is filled with incredibly intelligent, educated people, can act in such a predictable, disgusting manner.
11:28 PM

I'm getting really tired of school. I think the approaching of summer could not have had better timing.

As much as I love my friends here, I need a break from everyone. I can sense the cabin fever in all of us.

I just really, really can't wait for the end of school.

I think this summer should be good... though the fact that I'm still unemployed worries me.

RGuy doesn't have a job either. He's a local in my university town, but usually finds jobs in my hometown - the bigger city. So I figured, being optimistic, should we still be together by the time it's summer, the chances were high that we'd be in the same town. But since he hasn't found a job yet, he may have to stay home and look for a job around here. Okay, that's cool for him, but the idea of doing another long-distance relationship really isn't appealing. I really don't want to do it, to be blunt. I tried it with Guy #1, and look what happened. We grew apart. I think it's pretty much inevitable. But I guess I'll worry about when the time comes.
5:03 PM