Leaving campus and going back home.

This place drains of people slowly, as everyone finishes their exams they filter back home.

The place gets emptier and emptier.

And then it's your friends you say good-bye to, as you all go back to your hometowns.

Luckily, most of everyone will be around this summer. And I'm looking forward to the summer... it's here... but I just need to make that transition.
10:50 AM

Last night was fun. It was good to go out with the girls. There were some very aggressive guys there. Y'know, getting hit on is not that bad. Sometimes it's a little ego boosting. At worst, it's just a little annoying. But last night was bad for this at the end. Some guys were just too aggressive. And I became a little freaked. Other than that, the night was fine.

Today is sad, not because of those incidents last night, but because I'm saying good-bye to the girls. They're all moving out today.

God, moving out is the worst.
10:45 AM

Friday, April 19, 2002

Finally.

I am so exhausted...

But still gonna party tonight of course :).
8:33 PM

Here's the deal:

After seeking advice from girlfriends and thinking about it, I've decided to stay til Sunday. He was so happy when I told him that. I just have to make a few arrangements here and there, and voila - problem solved.

Tomorow night is my last exam. I can't believe it. I'm so exhausted and my brain is deep fried. I'm at that point where I can only care so much about how I do on it.

Things are just crazy, dealing with this last exam, moving out, RGuy, trying to see him before certain doom, cleaning the apartment for our final inspection, and on top of it all I'm DMSing ("During Menstrual Syndrome").

Can't wait for this last exam to be over and I can do a big sigh of relief...
4:08 AM

Thursday, April 18, 2002

Okay I was supposed to go out with my girls this Friday night because it's the end of our exams.

Friday night is also the only night I could see RGuy before I leave town because he has exams friday night and saturday night.

He really wanted to see me friday, but I told him that I couldn't ditch my girls for him. That would symbolize everything I hate about couples.

He told me that maybe he would come over after his exam which would give him 1 hour tops to spend with me before us girls went clubbing. He just wants to see me, even if it'll only be for 20 minutes. Because if I don't see him Friday, I don't know when the next time I would see him is. He even offered to drop us off at the club.

And that sounded like a solution. So good - we have a solution.

BUT

I was just picturing it in my head, and then that would mean that our good-bye would be in the car. And I just know that I will make a big scene and start to bawl. Because every night for the last few nights I've been crying. Not to him, but to myself.

There's no way I can only see him for only 20 minutes on friday.

I think I may ditch my girls for him. I never thought I'd ever do something like that. But I have to.

Why does it make me so upset? He'll only be an hour and a half drive away, or a $26 round trip greyhound ticket.

It's because of my experience with Guy #1. My one bad experience with long distance that broke my heart.

So I feel like this good-bye will be the good-bye, even though this is irrational.

I think I may love him. But I am never sure, because I can't trust myself.

But I know the thought of saying good-bye to him hurts so much.
2:41 AM

It was incredibly hot today - making it next to impossible to study.

But it's so nice to be in my room, with the fan going and my window opened.

Times are a changin'....
1:48 AM

Wednesday, April 17, 2002

And I don't want things to change.
1:19 PM

I already miss RGuy. Good-bye will officially be on Friday. Though, it's not a complete good-bye, I guess it's more like a hello to long-distance.

I cry when I let myself think about it.

Because I'm scared. Inside I don't really believe that things will be okay, though everyone keeps reassuring me that it will be.

Long distance = slow death

That's how I see it.

I'm scheduled to leave Saturday. He wants me to stay til Sunday. Circumstances won't let me. And part of me doesn't want to either, not because I don't want to see him though. Just because I'm tired of this place and I'm just tired and I want to go home and settle back in there.

And I know he's disappointed.
12:10 AM

Tuesday, April 16, 2002

What I find ridiculous is that people are always looking for a quick fix. They are always looking for immediate rewards. This is an unfortunate side effect of human psychology.

What people don't understand is that everything you do in your life, everything you consume, every act that you do, they will all add up to become you.

So don't think of it as "just a cigarette" or "just one night of drinking" - they will all become you. It is your total lifestyle that matters in the end.
3:40 PM

Monday, April 15, 2002

Life seems to have a point. Very often I feel like I missed it. But I keep searching. Sometimes the question seems very important, very immediate and very pressing. Other times it's not something to think about and I just chug right on.

Things seem to happen by accident. Nothing is planned...

I think I used religion before to reassure myself that there was a point, that there was some ultimate goal, that I was here for a reason. Now that I've dropped religion the point seems to have dropped too. When I stopped having faith I tried to reassure myself that there was still a point. When I stopped loving God I tried to reassure myself that I still loved myself and my life.

So I'm still trying to find those things on my own.
11:56 PM

My window is currently open as far as it will go and the most summery smell is wafting through...
10:24 PM

A couple is more than the sum of it's parts. When two people come together they create this entity - the "relationship." It takes more work to take care of a "relationship" than it does for two people to take care of themselves. You need to feed yourself and you need to feed the relationship.

Letting go of my girlish notions of romance, soulmates and the like, love just feels like this big burden. It takes work. It has a life of it's own, but still inseparable from your own.

Like most things in life there are benefits and punishments, pros and cons, to "relationships."

Now that I am in one myself, I know it's worth and I know the price. This is something I think about because we are approaching a hurdle.

We haven't actually mentioned the "L" word, except when referring to things we do... (e.g. "I love it when you..." - use your imagination). But the word is getting thrown around in my head a lot more lately. Just contemplating, wondering, questioning.
8:38 PM

It looks like this summer will be a summer of gorgeous sunsets.
8:26 PM

My room feels so empty now. Stark. I still have all my posters up, but my closet is empty and most of the drawers are too. I sent home all my books and binders, except the ones for my last exam. The printer, my scanner - all sent home.

And I feel it. I feel it. The emptiness. It's so depressing to be packing to go back home.

It weighs on me. It's time to move again. Another school year gone. Another chapter closed.

And then there's the issue of my relationship with RGuy. Yes - it's a relationship. Yes, he is important to me. Yes it could almost be...

In one week things won't be the same. In one week we'll be separated.

And because of what happened between me and Guy #1, I can't help but be pessimistic.

Tonight we had our talk about it. The issue we sorta avoided before. Because worrying about it seemed to be assuming too much.

But tonight we finally discussed it. And he reassured me. He was the strong, sensible one. I was the "What if...?" one. The one that was upset and worried.

But we are going to try. And I am going to try to be optimistic.
2:33 AM

Sunday, April 14, 2002

RGuy's friends are a lot of fun... different from me though, but I got along with them fine.

It was a good time - I'm glad I went, cause so many times in the last few weeks I was gonna chicken out of going.

I know his friends like me, because he told me at the bar that they kept coming up to him to tell him "Your girlfriend is so cool" and he told me that he told them "I know. She's the best."

:)

I think I'm still amazed that things are still going well. It's at this point that I'm used to things going stale - but they aren't. I'm not going to lie though, things aren't perfect perfect, I mean whenever he lets alcohol get the better of him or whenever he talks about drugs I want to run away.

Anyway, I'm exhausted now. We just got back. I gotta nap. My mom and sister are coming up tonight to help start move some of my things back home (only one more week of school left). So I'm gonna nap and then shower so when they arive it looks believable that I was studying all day. :P
3:59 PM