s p a r k l e
f l i r t
b l o g
Thursday, July 04, 2002
I feel so bad. I have relatives over from out of town. And my grandmother is going to be sleeping in the bed that me and RGuy had sex all over.7:51 PM
What's funny is that my mom is proficient with e-mail. When I was away at school, she would send me e-mails reminding me to do things like put on a jacket because it was "getting cold outside."
But then she needs me to come to her room to show her how to find a website in her browser ("How do I get to Yahoo???!?")
5:39 PM
Tuesday, July 02, 2002
I feel like he's given me too much power. Now I have this power to crush him. To seriously hurt him. And it's too much.Those words just made this relationship concrete.
It's not like I have this urges to out-right run away. But I'm scared.
Fine. Maybe I have commitment problems.
I can't deal with that word.
I'm not freaking out. I expected it right?? I talked about it more than a couple of times before he even said it. I even suspected that I loved him too.
But what is that word???
I don't want to break him. Not that I'm going to do that. Not that I'm running away. Cause I'm not.
11:49 PM
Everytime I think about it, it gives me butterflies. But then sometimes I feel that I've been repeating it to myself so much that it's starting to lose it's meaning.
I love you
I love you
I love you
5:28 PM
Monday, July 01, 2002
We had a great night last night. We went partying with all of our friends from school. Came home at 4:30 AM exhausted.We slept in... I woke him by crawling on top of him. He whispered "Happy 5 months."
We went to Golden Griddle. I laughed at the ghettoness and cheesiness of it all. It was sorta touristy but I loved it anyway.
We came home, and when the house was empty we had great sex - the best ever actually.
When I was lying in his arms afterwards, I was overcome with emotion.
I brought up what he said to me. I told him how much I loved hearing it. He said to me:
"I do love you. But I just expected that you would say it back."
I told him that it was common for guys to say it before girls did. I told him I wasn't ready. That it wasn't that I didn't feel the same way, it was that I didn't know what love was. That I was trying to figure it out still.
He said it again. "I love you."
And I cried. I sobbed.
"Why are you crying?"
"I don't know."
And he rocked me, comforting me.
7:24 PM
Love... what is love anyway??
4:31 AM
Sunday, June 30, 2002
He said it to me. IT.We were lying around after getting home last night. And he whispered in my ear...
"Erica? ... I love you ... I love you .... I love you."
He said it 3 times. And each time it made my heart stop. I just hugged him hard and said "Oh my god" a few times.
And I knew he was waiting for me to say something. I finally managed "I'm scared of that word."
I tried to explain that I wasn't ready, but everything I said sounded wrong. In other words, everything that came out of my mouth sounded like "I don't love you back." And that's not exactly the case.
It's just that, I don't what love is. I expect I'll recognize it when I feel it. And I'm just not sure I recognize it yet. He was okay with it.
He said that he'd been waiting to say it to me for a while now. And that he was crazy about me. He's okay with me not being able to say it yet. I hope he is anyway. He said "At least you know how I feel."
What does love mean anyway? In practical terms, what it means to me right now, is that he'll never leave me for a dumb reason.
Everytime I think about it, it gives me butterflies in my stomach.
I want to hear him say it again and again. But that's just selfish of me.
5:30 PM
