s p a r k l e
f l i r t
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Saturday, July 20, 2002
Should be another gorgeous weekend...Hopefully I can get some sun onto my pale office skin...
1:05 PM
Another weekend up visiting RGuy. Except it's a bunch of us going... Going up to party again. :) It should be good.
I think, I think, I'm pretty sure that I'm ready to tell him I love him.
I'll do it when it's all quiet. When we're just lying around, just me and him. Just breathing. It will be one of those perfect moments.
1:07 AM
Thursday, July 18, 2002
Well, I have my mini crushes. I probably always will. That's the way I've always been. I've always been boy crazy.I eye them. I want them to look over. I want them to like me too.
But it's all in fun.
Today I tried to imagine having sex with one of my crushes, and I couldn't even imagine it. It wasn't right. I could never make love to someone the way I make love to RGuy. It would not be the same. It would not be good. It would not work.
So it's finally happened. I'm monogamous.
9:38 PM
Wednesday, July 17, 2002
I've always hated and mocked endearments that couples use. Especialy "honey."It sounds like something that old married couples in the 1950s used.
So last year, when I first heard one of my friends refer to using that with their girlfriend, I thought it was hilarious.
But now, I have nicknames for RGuy. They're not so much endearments as they are ways to tease him.
Like I call him "bunny." Have you ever heard that expression "They were at it like rabbits"? Well, that's where that's from.
I like using it because I know he doesn't particularly like it. It's not "manly" enough. Heheh...
And I came up with another one "Mr Pants." Just to tease him because he bought 5 pairs of pants this summer. He hates that one. When I came up with it I was weak with laughter. But he hated it enough that he threatened to call me "honey" everytime I said "Mr. Pants."
Damn.
6:12 PM
Monday, July 15, 2002
I ate Pad Thai at some trendy restaurant downtown. I suggested it because H has become this downtown hipster, and I figured this particular restaurant has the right cool quotient.I lent her "How to be Good" because we are both big Nick Hornby fans. Have I already mentioned how wannabe-Brit I've become since reading all these British books? Me and H giddily admitted that we wanted British accents.
We girl talked. She had something very smart to say about my situation with RGuy.
I kept going on and on about how I didn't know what love was, and how can anyone be sure.
She said, "You know you're sure when you can't not say it."
And that was so on the spot.
I think maybe I'm ready to say it now. When I was e-mailing him at work today, the words I love you I love you I love you kept running through my head.
This weekend I will try again.
11:10 PM
Sunday, July 14, 2002
So I meant to tell him this weekend. I meant to say to him those huge, huge words. "I love you."I kept waiting for the perfect moment. And when possible perfect moments came up, I would chicken out. I would panic in my mind. Thinking "Is this right? Is this what I'm feeling?" I tried to conjure up in my head what it was supposed to feel like. I tried to visualize good moments to inspire the words.
And I just chickened out.
The best I could do, was tell him how my sister couldn't tell the first boy she loved that she loved him until a year into the relationship.
He said "So is that what you're going for?" He said it so calm, so without surprise.
I said "I'm not going to make you wait that long."
He said "I understand. You shouldn't say it if you don't feel the same."
That sounded so bad, so I said quickly "It's not that I don't feel the same. It's just that I don't know what it."
"Okay, so wait til you know what it is. Otherwise it will defeat the purpose."
He said it with such maturity. And apparent understanding of something that is so beyond me.
10:05 PM
I'm back from my mini-trip. It's been an eventful weekend - I am way too exhausted at the moment tho... Will update later...
7:01 PM
