It'll be our 6 month anniversary on Thursday. Six months. Can you believe it? What does it mean?

I'm excited about what we'll do. We don't usually make a big deal out of anniversaries... maybe just dinner. But this is a big landmark. That's half a year gone by. Half a year survived.

This time, I'm gonna pick out a nice restauraunt. Something cool and trendy.... and I guess expensive. I'm gonna scour the papers for suggestions....
8:19 PM

Thursday, July 25, 2002

i don't know if everything is right

what do u mean?

i don't think i've been okay lately rguy
i'm sorry

wait what are u talking about? you're fine erica

i think i've been kinda bitchy for about the last month and i take it out on you. maybe you've noticed

well i've noticed a few times but its nothing that has gotten me upset or nothing (other then saturday)....
dont worry about it erica....
why do u think u have been in a bad mood sometimes over this past month? anything i did?

it's not really okay, i do it more than i should. sometimes i'm afraid that the closer i get to someone the less nice i am to them, or maybe i've just been depressed or something it's nothing u did

i dont think you're depressed.... what reason would u have for that? is there something upsetting u?
u said u have been bitchier in the last month.... i just realized that i told u "i love u" about a month ago.... are u sure that hasnt scared u off or something.... i thought it would make u happy

it has made me happy, it feels so good to hear you say it
but i'm scared cause i feel like it makes you so vulnerable, but i'm not scared enough to run away
but i just don't want to mess you up, and i don't want to be a bitch to you anymore and i don't want you to regret anything

alright.... well i dont think we need to worry about anything.... i think u notice yourself being bitchy more then i notice it....
wait how did this conversation even start? are u just thinking lots today?
read your last email.... what did u mean by "but i'm not scared enough to run away"
so u are scared?

i was thinking a lot last night
i just brought it up cause i wanted to say sorry
i'm just a little scared that i'll mess you up
but things are good, i just wanted to say sorry

it's totally okay erica!
im still not sure what u meant by "but i'm not scared enough to run away"

i mean that i'm a little scared, but it doesn't mean i'm gonna take off

is there any kind of chance that u would get more scared about hurting me and actually want to take off? i hope not....

don't worry i'm not going anywhere :)

sorry i just got another question....
when u say u dont want to mess me up what do u mean? are u saying you are
not really close to feeling the way i feel for you? im not sure why i would feel messed up other than if u dont feel much for me....

i mean, i don't want you to be one of those people so blinded by love that they take a lot of shit. haven't you heard stories about couples, where one person doesn't treat the other one well, but that person takes it because they love that person? i don't want you to be like that. like t*** and c***. she takes his shit because she loves him. i don't think you should take shit from me. especially since i can be moody.
be patient with me, i promise that i'm close, i'm just not sure yet

haha you're comparing me to c***?.... c*** has a problem.... all my friends know that.... she is really insecure.
me on the hand.... i have no insecurity about myself at all.... i feel how i feel about you but im no way blinded by it.... i treat u well cause u deserve it erica! you're still the sweetest! i have noticed little things over the past month but fortunately its been very little that i just dont bring it up cause it hasnt bothered me (except this past sat which i hope doesnt happen again).... but if something comes up that is pissing me off in the future i will let u know (i learned that in my psych course remember - always to bring issues up.... hehe... see i pay attention)
and i am patient.... i want to emphasize the fact that i do not want u to tell me that u love me until u are sure of it!!! it'll be worth the wait baby....

are you okay??

always....
1:50 PM

I like to cut through the Radisson's parking lot in the morning to get to work. I look at all the licence plates that are from out of province. Indianopolis, British Columbia, New York...
8:27 AM

Okay I feel better this morning. I still feel guilty about RGuy. We've talked things out and things are fine and back to normal whatever. But I have a lingering feeling of things not being as good as they once were. And not just because of Saturday...
7:18 AM

Sometimes I'm afraid I don't treat him very well.

Sometimes I think I may be depressed again.

Sometimes I think this is a mistake.

Sometimes I'm afraid that the closer I get to someone the crueller I can be.

I should talk to him:

"RGuy I think I'm depressed. I think that's why I've been so messed up lately. And I think because of this I'm not as nice to you as I should be."
12:12 AM

Wednesday, July 24, 2002

Tuesday, July 23, 2002

Even as I walked apart from him I still wanted him to come to me and hold me, to prove his affection. But we walked separately, cold.

There are so many more efforts that I could be putting into it, but I'm not. I am stubborn. I want him to be the one to reach out more than his fair share to get to me.

He says he loves me. Does he know what love is? I believe that he believes it.

If I let my imagination get carried away I can feel my life rotting apart around me. Everything falling away. My foundation is not so strong afterall.
11:55 PM

Monday, July 22, 2002

I also feel like I'm in a different world from the girls. The girls that are my best friends at school, the ones that will be my roommates. We're not all as close as we used to be. I also don't tell them as much as I used to.

Maybe we've all changed.

I don't want the summer to end, but at the same time, I'm anxious to start school again. My last year before graduation...
12:16 PM

Y'know, I'm still really bothered by that argument I had with RGuy. Even though we kissed and made up, and everything was normal on Sunday, it still bugs me.

I hated the sight of him smoking. It just shook me.

But I've become a little less naive, and I know most boys, maybe 95%, have at least tried pot in their lifetime. So who's to say I would ever find some guy that was perfect for me that didn't touch drugs at all.

Everyone tells me it's not a big deal. If RGuy is perfect in every other way, if he treats me well, that's what counts. Smoking the occasional joint is just something he does, it's not who he is. He does it so rarely too, which is a point that RGuy brings up himself. It should not be a reason to break up with someone.

I know all this. I understand it. I try to work with it.

BUT all my instincts tell me to pull away, run away.

Am I just psycho? Am I really that uptight? How do other people deal with it? Am I being really, really unreasonable?
10:44 AM

Sunday, July 21, 2002

Well now. Where do I start?

First off... I am exhausted. As I always am after travelling. After sleeping in someone else's room, in their bed... even if that room belongs to RGuy.

It was a busy weekend. It just flew by.

Me and RGuy got into our first argument. It's not so bad to have gone about 5 and a half months before having our first argument.

Maybe it's because I'm sleep deprived. Maybe it's because I'm DMSing (During Menstrual Syndrome). Maybe it's because I've had a bad month. But I was moody and quiet last night. I shut him out. He didn't react well to that. And after we all got out of the club, he took out a joint that he had bought, and smoked up.

That was the first time I ever saw anyone smoke up. And it was him. I know, geez, am I ever sheltered.

I know I've had this conversation with him before. He knows I don't like it. He's told me when he's done it before, and I was able to brush it off because in my mind I could pretend that he didn't do it. I could process the information, but ignore it. But when he was smoking it in my face, I couldn't pretend.

So I'm uptight. So I'm super sheltered.

But I hate drugs. I hate them. I hate everything about them.

So I freaked inside. I couldn't hide my discomfort. I couldn't look at him. I couldn't talk to him.

When we got back to his house, where we were all crashing, we decided to go outside and talk about it.

So we did. There were tears. We just sat on the curb outside his house at 4 A.M.. The street was completely empty, darkened, with only the occasional car driving past. And we talked about it. I hate talking like that. But in the end it's always better that we do.

I understand more and more each day just how complicated long-term relationships can get. Just how many grey areas there are.

I have to think about what marijauna means to me. Just how I should deal with it.

He wanted to know, just what exactly I would do. Would I ever dump him over this? I don't think so...

We decided that I needed to be more open with my emotions. And we decided that he would never smoke pot in front of me again.

In the end things were okay. And by this morning things were back to normal.
5:01 PM