s p a r k l e
f l i r t
b l o g
Saturday, August 03, 2002
He rang my doorbell earlier than I expected. I was in my bedroom at the time, putting on the last touches of my make-up...I ran downstairs to get the door. And he had flowers for me - which was perfect, not too fussy.
The restaurant I picked was great. It was cozy and it had great food. We sat in the corner and shared warm bread, caesar salad and chicken.
Things were great.
But part of me deep down, deep down inside admits that this may not be forever. That maybe forever is already finished. That I'm having fun, but maybe that's all I'm having.
I'll figure it out later.
2:00 AM
Thursday, August 01, 2002
I am the queen of hand-me-downs. Being the littlest, the youngest in my family, I am used to this.
I had my mom's old sunglasses, which were in fact my sister's old sunglasses before her. There are a little too big for my face, but I don't mind. They have the thick black rims. Audrey Hepburn wore similar sunglasses in "Breakfast at Tiffany's." So I feel a little glamourous when I wear them. And even a little safe.
10:04 PM
I switch between itchy feet, remorse and sentimentality.
God, wasn't life simpler at one time?
7:42 PM
Wednesday, July 31, 2002
I think that maybe there's some threshold that I'm not stepping over with RGuy. Like I'm afraid to cross it. Hesitant.I don't want to go there, maybe, because I'm afraid to let myself. I've seen myself head over heels over some guy in the past and it wasn't healthy. I don't want to make a mistake again.
Maybe it's all psychological. Can someone actually prevent themselves from falling in love? Can I use my mind to control my heart? Is my heart even playing a role?
My heart has nothing to say on the subject. Or I haven't been listening?
Maybe I shouldn't put time restraints on myself. I should just be patient with myself, much like he is being patient with me. I should let it come.
P said there was nothing wrong with it having been this long and me not saying it.
But I do worry about it.
If I just said it, I know it would make him happy, and I would feel relieved myself. But then I know deep down inside that I wouldn't know what I would be talking about. So I wouldn't dream of saying it without meaning it.
11:50 PM
Tuesday, July 30, 2002
At work today, our department was q u i e t .One on vacation. One in Boston. One with a very sick cat. That left us with three people and everyone else scattered around the building.
The sound of my own typing was the only thing I could hear other than the incessant chatter of my own thoughts, the laughter in my head while I chatted with friends over work e-mail (almost as good as icq).
Then there was the sound of a fire alarm. I looked up at the other two workers. Shrugged, grabbed my bag, and headed for the doors. (But not before closing any incriminating evidence of my slacking, e.g. the open browser pointed at Asian Avenue.)
So I spent about 15 minutes perched on a rock outside, suntanning, watching all the business people socialize before they called us back in ("False alarm!").
Just another day at the office...
11:29 PM
I don't know what love is. All I know is that I've been with RGuy for a while now. Longer than I've ever been with anyone.
Is that reason enough to love someone?
I am attached to him. I do miss him when he's not around. I am comfortable around him.
He claims to know me better than I know myself. My best friend in high school Andrew used to claim the same thing. I get a pang of memories when I think about this.
I was once telling P how I didn't understand love. And asking how couples so young could claim to know love. And she replied "How can they be together so long and not love eachother?"
Good point. I guess.
11:10 PM
Monday, July 29, 2002
Just got:John Mayer - No Such Thing
(such a warm song... I love warm songs in the summer)
Holly McNarland - Beautiful Blue
(angsty and ethereal - yay Canadian!)
Jonh Mayer's song goes "I am invincible as long as I'm alive." That's such a good feeling.... I wish I could hold on to that all the time. I wish I felt like that all the time.
8:57 PM
I am just so excited about Hong Kong. August 14th is when I'm leaving - a full 2 and a half weeks away, but already my heart is just brimming with excitement. I just can't wait... it's all I'm gonna be able to think about...
SO EXCITED!!!
12:01 PM
Sunday, July 28, 2002
The sun was shining when I got up, so I changed into my string bikini, put on my crocheted sun hat, and sat outside in my backyard. I brought a book and it was great. I just watched my skin slowly become ths slightly caramel colour...Ah... I love summer.
7:46 PM
