s p a r k l e
f l i r t
b l o g
Saturday, August 10, 2002
Okay, well I'm back on the upswing of my yo-yo. I'm glad for RGuy.I was at the "Taste of the Danforth" today - a street festival being held all weekend in Toronto. It was great. Got baklava, souvlaki, pad thai, tacos, smoothies... all in $2 portions. Great fun. I love food festivals, been to one in Montreal before too. The sun was shining down, and I think I tanned - the tops of my feet are definitely darker - ha...
7:40 PM
Sometimes I'm just not very nice to RGuy. And I don't know why.
I struggle. I struggle to make this relationship work - even if all the troubles are contained in my head.
Maybe I'm a bitch to him because I'm trying to break free.
I promise that I won't make any major decisions til September. I'll be leaving for Hong Kong sooo soon. That will give me 2.5 weeks away from him, away from the country. My contact with him will be limited to the occasional long distance call. Complete with static, time lags and bad timing. I'll be back in September, and school will be starting again. I'll see what it's like to be in the same town again. And then I'll know.
2:38 AM
Friday, August 09, 2002
I did this online quiz - "Commitment Readiness Test" and I scored a 52 (somewhat ready). Hmmm....11:45 AM
Thursday, August 08, 2002
Okay things are okay.Just talked to him on the phone. Picked up the phone a little tentatively. And just the sound of his voice, so oblivious, so relaxed and easy going. That's all I needed to be comforted.
12:08 AM
Wednesday, August 07, 2002
I'm so yo-yo-y (pronounced YO-YO-"E", definition: to yo-yo).One moment I'm sure I need to be free. The next moment I'm sure this relationship is perfect and I'm crazy.
I guess perhaps what it comes down to how much I'm willing to compromise in order to make this work. How much work am I willing to put into this? Will the means justify the end?
God, sometimes I'm such a bitch to RGuy. I don't know if I like the person I've become to him. I've become this big baby. Sensitive. Too sensitive.
If I let him into my thoughts, he'd probably be bewildered at how self-destructive I've become. We've made it this far, overcoming the long-distance obstacle, only to have me bring it down with me in an emotional flurry.
Blah.
11:11 PM
Tuesday, August 06, 2002
I think hearing other people talk about RGuy makes him more appealing to me. Puts him right back on that idealized pedestal that he was on when I first met him. Isn't that superficial?11:57 PM
God I was such a romantic when I was a teen. I don't even mean romantic in that boy-girl-romance way (though I mistakenly thought I was), I mean I was sentimental. I held on to things. I put such value in things. I saw meaning in everything. I wanted to remember everything. I see this when I look back at the things that were important to me. Especially in the music that I listened to.
I was so passionate about things. A little self-centered maybe. A little less open minded. But what did I lose in the process?
The naiveté that comes with not knowing better?
I am no longer afflicted with anst and depression. Not as much anyway, I'm not as chronic as I used to be.
But I also no longer write poetry.
When I was younger, with every mood swing, with every major event, with every boy that came along, came the mad scribblings in my diary. Words just flowed. It was so easy to evoke in words the exact way I felt. I still write, but no more poetry.
So I've grown up. I've changed. Am I wiser? Have I gone in the right direction?
I sure hope so. No real answers here.
12:03 AM
Monday, August 05, 2002
Okay so what do you think of the new pic on the side? Let me know. I kinda like how dreamy it looks. I'm slowly learning how to use Adobe Photoshop, so I'm playing around.5:26 PM
Oh god... is there a solution to this problem? I mean, how can you avoid this situation? Somethings just have to be done.
Or maybe I just feel guilty because I am considering a break with RGuy. And I know that would probably really hurt him.
How do I warn him? Without scaring him. Without actually taking that big step?
If everything is fine, I just can't rationalize it to him.
Everything is fine but something is missing. Or maybe I just have stupid itchy feet syndrome.
But I feel like there should be more. It should not be taking this long for me to fall in love with him. But again, there's me putting time constraints on love. Perhaps love just doesn't follow a schedule. How long is too long though?
3:44 PM
It's been a nice long weekend... I've more or less spent it 24/7 with RGuy. It's had it's ups and downs for me.
I think I may have some thinking to do though. Just about everything.
Like whether love will ever happen between me and him on my part.
Or what the consequences of certain actions will have.
Or what kind of timing would have the least negative impact.
Or if this is just another bout of itchy feet.
2:22 AM
