I gave him a whole night of intimacy. And I'm not talking about sex necessarily. There was giggling and smiles and kisses, caresses. This was what he missed, and so we made up for it.
10:36 AM

Friday, September 20, 2002

Rice cookers are such a staple in asian homes, you just don't think about it. I got my own, handed down from my mom, when I had to cook for myself last school year. It was a bit old-school, not one of those new fangled non-stick ones.

I lent it to my white friend H over the summer. She will never cook rice out of a pot again.

Another ubiquitous item in an Asian kitchen is a water boiler. Kind of like a kettle that sits on your counter that is continually keeping water at about boiling point so you can have hot water all the time. It stays in your kitchen and makes soft humming noises through all hours of the day.

My non-asian friends totally didn't get it. What the heck is it for?

I couldn't exactly explain it. For tea, for cup noodles...

But then we realized that parts of Asia don't have Brita (do any parts of Asia have Brita water?) and keeping water boiled all the time is to sanitize it. Aha. Another ancient chinese secret.
2:36 PM

I dream-cheated on RGuy last night. Heh heh...

Well it was with this guy that I've always had this mini crush on, someone that's sorta in RGuy's circle of friends. He's just so cute, but he also has a girlfriend, one that he's been with for a while now. Longer than me and RGuy.

Anyway, most of what I remember from the dream, was that we were in this place, maybe his apartment, or home, maybe it wasn't his. These things are never clear in dreams. We were hanging out. And I remember still being so attracted to him in my dream, and hoping for things to take a turn. Except I couldn't read him. I couldn't tell if I was just a friend or if he liked me too. And then, the most vivid part of the dream, I was lying out on a bed, just half propped up by my elbow, and he climbed on top of me with a smile. It was then that things couldn't have been clearer.

I can't stop smiling about that dream. It was almost as good as having the real thing.
2:24 PM

Thursday, September 19, 2002

How's that for inspiration???
3:08 PM

Wednesday, September 18, 2002

We'll see each other Friday. He'll make me tacos - which I've been craving this week. And I'll finally give his mom the cheung sam top she requested from Hong Kong.

We'll get some time alone together. Maybe to get back to bases.

And in the last day or so I've realized that I really miss him.
6:50 PM

Tuesday, September 17, 2002

I feel like I should just tell him to leave me. But that would probably hurt him more than it would hurt me.
11:33 AM

I called home today and said good-bye to my Dad. He leaves for Hong Kong again. I'm not sure when I'll see him next, but I don't think it'll be too too long from now.

Me and RGuy are having another serious talk. One of those ones where I start crying. And I become so confused, and I can't express myself for beans. I can't figure things out.

He thought that we would be spending more time together this term. It's only been a little more than a week though. He feels like I don't look at him in the same way. He feels like he's the one always initiating plans to see each other. It also turns out he shares a class with KGuy. They didn't talk though.

I told him I was stressed. From school. I'm already behind in my work, believe it or not.

He says he misses the intimacy.

Maybe I take him for granted.
Maybe I'd be really sorry if I lost him.
Maybe I don't know how to be a girlfriend.
Maybe I don't treat him well enough, I can be a bitch.

Things are complicated. There is no easy explanation.

I'm tired.
1:10 AM

Monday, September 16, 2002

I went to see it with RGuy. I made him my pasta, one of the recipes that I've got down pat, made with canned tomatoes. Then we went out to the theatre. Classic, right? Dinner and a movie. I guess it was a date...

Anyway, there was this part in the movie where they say "I love you" to each other. It's perfect, they do it so sweetly, and it's not cheesy at all.

But at that moment, I could feel RGuy next to me stiffen. I didn't see him physically move or anything, but I could just sense it. And I knew that he was hurting. Because our relationship is still missing that aspect. That aspect where we love each other. Or at least where I love him back.

Ack... issues, issues...
12:51 AM