Found out I did really bad on my first midterm. Which really decreased my motivation to study for the one I have tomorow. It's so easy to get down.

I'm so glad it's the long weekend.

I just want to see RGuy now.

But I guess I'm just gonna have to get some sleep instead.
11:45 PM

Wednesday, October 09, 2002

But I guess I have things to get out of my system.

For example, this crush thing.

My last rant, the one at 12:28 AM, was my response to dream-cheat-guy's girlfriend. He's really sweet to her. Like really sweet. He takes care of her. Which is sweet and all, but it seems like she's this helpless damsel in distress. After he had walked me home, P told me he had gone to his girlfriend's place to make her honey and lemon tea for her sore throat. And it's like, if I were sick, I'd make my own damn drink.

Okay, I'm really jealous of her. But still, I'd make my own drink.

But honestly, I have nothing against her. I like her. And I wouldn't ever want her to not like me. She's a sweet girl, and probably very smart, and independent, and lucky.

Anyways.

Now that I've written that down, I can hopefully shove it out of my mind.

Fat chance.

I did have another dream with him in it after the dream cheating. But it was stupid. Most of what I remember from it, is that a bunch of us were at a Christmas pageant. Like the pageants that I used to have to be in back when I was in elementary school. But this pageant had adults in it, and it was stupid. So cheesy. There was nothing special in that dream. Nothing sweet, nothing sexy. His girlfiend might have even been in it.
12:55 AM

I'm strong. I'm independant.

Just cause I love boys, and I talk about boys all the time, and write about boys all the time, doesn't mean I need them. Great appreciation doesn't equal dependance.

I don't need someone to baby me. I don't need them to look after me.

I've always taken care of myself.

It would occur to me first to take a cab or bus rather than ask for a ride. I can get myself there. I would make myself honey tea for my sore throat.

I can take care of myself!
12:28 AM

Tuesday, October 08, 2002

But I still feel the need to dress well today. Tight, low-cut, flared jeans, coral turtleneck sweater and my red trench. High ponytail, arched eyebrows.

No more stupid crushes.

I have enough things to deal with.

I miss being single sometimes.
9:35 AM

Remember the guy I have a mini-crush on? The one I dream-cheated with? I bumped into him at the library and got him to walk me home afterwards, because we were both staying there til closing hours and we live pretty close to each other. I was sorta giddy about it.

So we walked home, and conversation came pretty easily. He's a really nice guy. He even walked me right to my door, even though I told him he didn't have to. And he said "No I don't mind, plus we're having a nice conversation here."

Hehe.

So when I got home, I couldn't hide my grin so the girls pried the information from me. It's great, they don't judge my silliness.

We gossiped and giggled. Then P mentioned his girlfriend, not to make me feel guilty, but just in passing, and on my face I tried to react normally, but inside I came crashing down to earth. And there goes all my fun.

But of course on the other hand, I have RGuy, and I'm just so comfortable, so content with him.

I mean, if I really think of it, Dream-cheat guy would be good for a fling, but I can't even imagine a relationship there.

Ahh... I'll save him for my dreams.
1:34 AM

Monday, October 07, 2002

I drank my fill of tea, ate my fill of rice, and various other cantonese dishes, including fish and two kinds of tofu.

RGuy likes to tease me cause I always touch my stomach when I'm full at the end of a meal, sorta unconsciously. He says there's nothing there. If I wanted to see a real belly, I should look at his... haha... he always has a gut anyway.

I know he loves me. As a friend pointed out, he "adores me to bits." I feel it. I know it.
12:16 AM