s p a r k l e
f l i r t
b l o g
Saturday, November 02, 2002
RGuy and I went out for dinner. It was this cute little restaurant. Small menu, but tons of specials.RGuy looked so cute in this blue zipper sweater. So adorable. :) Now that it's gotten colder, with a bit of snow and all, it reminds me of when we first started dating - which was last winter.
We had some time to kill after dinner so we dropped by the mall (at my request, haha). Then after the mall closed we went to Chapters, and just browsed.
The movie we saw was "The Truth About Charlie." At his suggestion! The title sounded familiar to me, but because I live in a black hole, that is, my apartment without cable, I couldn't remember what it was about. He had saw the preview and thought it looked good. I was originally gonna suggest "Punch Drunk Love," since Adam Sandler is in it, but RGuy already knew it wasn't an Adam Sandler movie. Damn, he found out.
Actually, "The Truth About Charlie" was an interesting movie. RGuy didn't like it. Too out there, too many twists. Yeah it was sorta weird, but I appreciated some things about it. It was stylish, some parts kinda surreal, and Thandie Newton is just so friggin' pretty. Such delicate features! But great wardrobe! Anyway, I'm not sure if I would neccesarily recommend the movie.
We came back to my apartment. I put some candles, Billie Holiday and Diana Krall on.
He told me: "I know I haven't said it to you in a while, but I love you."
And I couldn't think of what to say back. If I love him, I'm still too scared and unsure to say it. Yes I'm a commitment phobe. Should I say "Thank You"? What should I say? So I just watched his face, and listened to his breathing. And put my arms around him.
He said "So not yet."
I knew he was a little hurt. Of course it still hurts for him. And I feel so bad. But he said no pressure. That he's waited this long, he can wait longer. That he's patient. That it will be worth the wait when it comes.
Just thinking about it makes me want to cry for him.
2:41 PM
Thursday, October 31, 2002
It's over... thank god.I'm exhausted.
2:50 PM
I think I'm going to be fried in a midterm today. But I'm just at that point, where I feel calm. Cause I don't care! I need a break, I've needed one for a while. God, how am I going to handle finals after this? Thankfully they're a little more than a month away.
I actually feel quite ethereal. Tired, but blissful. It's all about the music you surround yourself with in the morning.
9:10 AM
Wednesday, October 30, 2002
I saw that bad @ss from the club on campus today. See I told you I would bump into him again!God he's even cuter than I remembered. So cute.
And he so didn't even notice me!
Haha... I guess it doesn't really matter.
It only confirms my theory that I am completely different when I'm in a club. In normal, everyday life, I'm just me. Just a girl.
10:57 PM
Tuesday, October 29, 2002
I think I don't have any crushes anymore. And my relationship with RGuy has stabilized. Things are good.Even when a temporary crush walked me home from the library, it really wasn't a big deal.
It'll be nine months for me and RGuy this Friday...
We're gonna chill since he's known that I've had the week, the month, the term from hell. So it'll be dinner and a movie. Classic. :)
11:43 PM
Monday, October 28, 2002
I just got off the phone with RGuy. And I feel so much better.I called him and got he coaxed the information from me. I knew I was going to tell him, but I was just stalling cause it was so hard and I didn't really want to.
He apologized, I apologized. He understood and was okay with it.
He let me cry. He let me cry about last night, he let me cry about school, he let me cry about home and how much I missed it. I just let all my stress out in tears.
Talking to him makes me cry - not because he does something to me, but because I've learned to express myself infront of him. Otherwise I hold it all in. He let me know that he was always there for me. And he is. He knows me inside out.
1:08 AM
Sunday, October 27, 2002
See I go through these periods during certain times of the month where I treat RGuy a little worse than I should. And then I convince myself I'm a horrible girlfriend and that we're better off apart. And it's hard to forgive myself.I've been pretty miserable.
There was this part of the morning where I felt like P, my roommate, was mad at me. And then with this situation with RGuy. I never felt so alone. Like I had no one to talk to. No one to cry to. Because I had alienated RGuy.
I haven't talked to him yet today. I need to make amends. And then there's this part of me that hates to say sorry. It's so hard. And there's this line where it's worth it, and on the other side I'd rather throw it all away. I haven't reached that point yet, but I've come close.
I couldn't even tell the girls about what happened last night, and I couldn't for a while. And then I had to, because it was eating away at me.
I'm anxious, I'm frustrated, I'm angry, I'm sorry.
11:52 PM
I'm so frustrated.
It's been a bad day. Bad week. Bad month.
RGuy dropped by to visit. And something went wrong.
And I already know what the problem was.
Me.
And I shut him out. I couldn't tell him what was wrong. Because I already knew that I was being incredibly sensitive. That I was getting upset about something that wouldn't even register on a normal person's radar.
He tried to get me to tell him what was wrong. I have to give him a lot of credit for that. But I couldn't, wouldn't tell him.
And it scares me how much capacity for cruelty I have. I could really hurt him. But he could also really hurt me. His love protects me from him ever hurting me. But what happens when that love goes away?
And he left me alone because I asked him to. I told him I would feel better tomorow.
This whole situation is unfair. All I've probably accomplished is a sleepless night - for both me and him.
I'm sorry.
1:34 AM
