s p a r k l e
f l i r t
b l o g
Friday, November 08, 2002
I went out last night with RGuy and his friends. It was fun... except I was so tired! Still so tired... I had felt like partying, but I guess I wasn't running on enough sleep. Even now, I've only had 4.5 hours. It's okay, I'm still young! I can still make it for my morning classes after a night of being out!C came up to me last night and commented on how good RGuy and I are. She asked how long it's been now (9 months). And then she remarked that we're so independent.
"Really? You can see that?"
She said yes. And that she had always admired that in us.
Aww. That's so nice. I take that as a real compliment. I told her I wouldn't have it any other way. I'm independent.
1:45 PM
Thursday, November 07, 2002
I just saw "8 Women" - a french film showing at a local independent theater. Very bizarre movie! So many twists... But probably a must for any art house movie fan.9:45 PM
RGuy came over to see me last night. And we were laying around. I looked over at him, and I felt such tenderness. I still wasn't ready to say it ("I love you."). But I felt such a strong desire never to lose him.
So I told him to stay forever.
9:31 AM
Tuesday, November 05, 2002
Ah... things are looking up academically - finally. God... school is so brutal.This weekend I'm going home for the first time in a long time. Well since Thanksgiving anyway. I've been craving chinese food from the city. I've got it on the brain. It'll just be nice to be home, relaxing... doing nothing. Not having to take care of myself. It'll be sooo nice.
11:10 PM
Everyone, everyone remarks on how good RGuy treats me. And I know. God, I know I've talked about it here a lot too.
And I stop to think - do I deserve it?
Maybe it just makes him more vulnerable to any havoc I wreck on him.
P says that I deserve it - but she's a sweetie - and my roommate. So of course she would never say otherwise.
Of course I don't plan on wrecking any havoc - those things just happen.
But I fear hurting him. I don't want to. But the chance is always there.
These are just my thoughts of the moment. Good night...
1:31 AM
Monday, November 04, 2002
I could swear I saw a twinge of hurt/jealousy (or it was my mind playing tricks on me??) when I showed some affection for RGuy in front of some of our friends. I usually don't, I'm really not into PDAs. It was just a little thing. I went over to him, put my arm around him, and took my digital camera and did one of those self portrait things of us.And I could swear I saw this certain someone look down.
But can I trust my own eyes? Am I just fantasizing these things? Maybe I'm just seeing what I want to see.
12:22 AM
Sunday, November 03, 2002
Do you ever get those dreams? The ones where you aren't completely asleep nor are you completely awake?I awoke to go to church for the first time in a long time with P this morning. And I was so exhausted, I thought I was going to pass out during the service, even though the speaker was very good. When we got home I just lay down on my bed and let myself go.
The dream was that I was on this busy train with RGuy. (I think the train thing seeped into my subconscious from last night's Sex & The City episode on Bravo, or from the opening scene of "The Truth About Charlie"). There were many compartments in the train. And I was travelling with RGuy. And I kept wandering over to other cars without him, not too too far, but perhaps just over to the next one, or maybe down 2 or 3 cars. And then suddenly the doors started slamming. And I desperately needed to get back to RGuy. And I started running back to the car where RGuy was. I had to pry the doors open, there were various levers to keep the doors closed. And I managed to get through them back to him. And I remember being relieved.
And then, perhaps this was Act II of the dream, it happened again. I had wandered off again, away from him. And the doors started slamming. And so I ran back, but when I got back to the car where RGuy was, I couldn't get that last door open. And he was on the other side. There was a window in the door. So I looked at him through it, with my hand on the glass pane. And I mouthed to him "I love you RGuy." And he understood, and we were both crying because I couldn't get back to him. I had lost him because I had wandered off.
3:41 PM
