• Playing music (the way we did in high school band)
• Sad movies
• Thinking about hurting RGuy
• Thinking about losing RGuy

It's snowing here...

It's a little beautiful. It's the really soft kind, so soft that you can barely see them in the sky. It looks like the ground has a dusting of icing sugar on it.
4:27 PM

I think it may be time for me to have a talk with RGuy about the possibility that I may not fall in love with him.

I told the girls about this. And how I don't want to do it now because he has a midterm on Friday and I don't want to ruin it for him. But if I do it afterwards, it's too close to finals. I don't want to be the reason why he f*cks up. But the girls pointed out that there's never a good time.

I accept the possibility that this conversation may lead to a break up.

But what if it's all a mistake? Maybe I love him and I don't know it. I know I'd miss him terribly if something happened.

It's horrible cause you can never be sure of what you really mean.
11:23 AM

Friday, November 15, 2002

This same guy had been interested in P, my roommate, last term - before this summer. He had asked her out, but she only wanted to be friends.

During the summer, I mentioned to P that he was interested in R.

This school term started and things were still not official between R and that guy. At the same time P and that guy were hanging out again.

P knew about the situation.

Then I found out from P, that guy tried to ask P out again. I was a little surprised because he was supposed to be interested in R. P, my roommate, told me that I couldn't tell anyone since she wasn't even supposed to tell anyone about it.

So here I am with this conflict of interest. R is still interested in him. I hoped that maybe things would die down between them so I wouldn't have to tell her anything that I was not supposed to.

But when I was talking to R just now, she told me that she was trying to find out what was going on with him. So I had to tell her.

The thing is, I don't really trust P. I can't help but suspect that P didn't want that guy to be interested in R. I also sorta dislike that guy now. Because he told someone that he wanted to stay single. And I know that's not true because he asked P out. What the f*ck?

Oh drama.
5:35 PM

(This conversation excerpt happened after I had to tell R that this boy she sorta liked asked someone else - my roommate! - out).

E: so are u cool with that? i just hope i didn't open my mouth too big
R: yeah..no it's ok!! :) no biggie. i just kind of he simon and i were friends anyways..i mean, if something was to happen, it probably would have
E: ah R u know ur gorgeous! and independent. so many possibilities out there :)
R: aww thanks erica...
R: i sometimes wonder if my independency scares off boys..haha.
E: ah no... def not... i was pretty independent too... still am i'd like to think... only total sucks like their girls to be dependent on them
R: so true...meh..i don't think i have time for boys anyways..need sleep more.. haha
3:08 PM

Thursday, November 14, 2002

Wednesday, November 13, 2002

Coping with Stress
Cultivate Gratitude
Carve out an hour a day for solitude
Begin and end the day with prayer, meditation, reflection
Keep it simple
Don't overschedule
Strive for realistic deadlines
Never make a promise you can't keep
Allow an extra half hour for everything you do
Create quiet surroundings at home and at work
Go to bed at nine o'clock twice a week
Always carry something interesting to read
Breathe- deeply and often
Move- dance, walk, run, find a sport you enjoy
Drink pure spring water. Lots of it
Eat only when hungry
If it's not delicious, don't eat it
Be instead of do
Set aside one day a week for rest and renewal
Laugh more often
Luxuriate in your senses
Always opt for comfort
If you don't love it, live without it
Let mother nature, nurture
Don't answer the telephone during dinner
Stop trying to please everyone
Start pleasing yourself
Stray away from negative people
Don't squander precious resources: time, creative energy, emotion
Nurture friendships
Don't be afraid of your passion
Approach problems as challenges
Honour your aspirations
Set achievable goals
Surrender expectations
Savor beauty
Create boundaries
For every yes let there be a no
Don't worry be happy
Remember happiness is a living emotion
Exchange security for serenity
Care for your soul
Cherish your dreams
Express love everyday
Search for your authentic self until you find her
12:55 AM

Tuesday, November 12, 2002

Am I extra sensitive today? Or is it because I hate hospitals, and would never want a child to have to be in one? Or because cancer is so prominent in my studies?
4:10 PM

I think I can safely say I don't have any more crushes on any other guys. Though, my friends had assured me that it was completely normal to have the occasional crush, even when in a relationship. Ugh... why do I feel like I have to defend everything I say? This is supposed to be a diary, isn't it? Not that I don't welcome criticism. It's always good to hear what people think.

I just had the occasional fantasy of having my crush. But it's harmless. It's not like someone has a switch to turn off the part of your brain that notices other people once you're in a relationship. Whatever.
12:39 PM

I think my winamp player really likes "Jamiroquai - Canned Heat." It keeps "randomly" selecting it out of my list of 1800 songs. Hmmm....
12:37 PM

Monday, November 11, 2002

Epidemiology can kiss my ass!

Okay back to work.
8:51 PM

Just because someone not in love doesn't mean that they should break up with the person that they're with. Just because I'm unsure doesn't mean that I should let RGuy go, and I'm sure he would agree with me.

Is love really supposed to be so bang-on? Is there no room for unsureness? Am I not allowed to be a little scared?

Why do people criticize me for not being in love yet?

Is this a gender thing? Is it because it's usually the guy that is commitment phobic? Not the girl, as it is in my case? Maybe people think that girls ought to be more sure of what love is.

If so much time passes without me falling in love, then, and only then, will I decide it's never happening and that I should end things to be fair to him. I will give myself til our one year anniversary. If it doesn't come by then, it never will.

It's my first time, give me a break.
12:58 AM

Sunday, November 10, 2002

Came home friday, ate out with my sister and we watched a chick flick when we got back home. "Riding in Cars with Boys." A bit long, but enjoyable. Drew Barrymore did good. So did Brittany Murphy - she was really funny too.

Saturday, I spent the entire afternoon out with my Mom. Just doing chores. The bank, groceries, lunch, shopping...

Today, before leaving again, I watched "A Walk To Remember." A real chick flick. Not too many surprises, and again sorta long. But it made me cry! Haha... I like Mandy Moore. And Shane West is pretty cute.

Ah well now I'm back at school. And it's so hard to make myself do work.... (*sigh*)
11:10 PM