I'm just gonna talk to him. I won't make it this big dramatic thing. I just confess my fears about our relationship.

As much as I hate talking about emotions and feelings with him, I need to gather up my guts. This is key.
12:50 AM

Wednesday, December 04, 2002

I was talking to my sister on the phone. I sought her advice, but I had to tell her that I hesitate to talk to her about stuff like this because she always takes RGuy's side. Like I'm the bad guy, and he loves me so I should stay with him.

She told me that it's probably because she's been through a lot of sh*t in her own relationships. That besides the shallow stuff, if he's good to me, if he's trusting and if he lets me be me, then I should stay with him. Just thinking about these things, makes me cry. Cause he does all these things. That shallow stuff is not a reason to break up. A reason to break up would be if he lied or cheated. So I countered with, "So if he never lies and he never cheats I should stay with him forever?"

What if I know it's not right? What if it's just meant to be? I'm not in love with him, what about that?

But then what if I love him and I don't know it? Or I just don't want to admit it?

There are just too many questions.

But it comes down to the same conclusion: I need to talk to him. I need to let him in on some of my thoughts.
11:27 PM

I promised P that next time I saw RGuy I would talk to him straight. Just to tell him some of the things that have been on my mind.

I told her about my fears. She had some really good advice. Here's our conversation from last night:

i'm thinking about stuff again... and i don't think i want to fall in love with him.... but we're so dependent on each other and argh... it's different this time... it's not exactly itchy feet

... why don't u want to fall in love with him?

i don't know... cause of shallow stuff
but he's not right for me maybe? not in the forever and ever sense
sometimes i think it's lasted this long cause i didn't know to break up with him before....??? i haven't dumped someone since high school. these are all horrible thoughts... i feel horribly guilty.

erica, it's ok if you don't / don't want to fall in love with him. no one says that you have to and no one says that he's definitely right for you. there are soooo many things to consider.
u've been honest with him, that's all anyone can ask.
and as for breaking up with someone, there's no right way to do it, and there's never a right moment for it either... if it's something u need to do, then it's something u need to do

thx p :)
i'm gonna try to be brave next time i see him in person and discuss stuff

u can do it !
just air it all out... =b

ack.... must be tactful tho!

tact... sometimes it doesn't work quite so well cuz the meaning is lost when trying to be tactful..

true... i just don't want to blurt out "you're not good enough!" or something... still, sometimes when i think about being single again, i panic, because i don't want to lose him or whatever and i get all upset... then i'm not sure what i want

i doubt u'd look him in the eye and say "hey, u don't measure up!"... no danger of that =)
not wanting to lose him and knowing that he's not right for u doesn't = reason to hold onto him... ? but i know it's confusing, and scary... when u get comfortable with someone.. u don't wanna lose that feeling.....

yes that is def true...
11:14 AM

I love the song by Common - "Come Close." It's not that new anymore, but it's great. The video makes me cry...
12:15 AM

Tuesday, December 03, 2002

But he's my best friend. Maybe I don't want to lose him.

Don't listen to anything I say... obviously I don't know what I'm talking about.
1:56 AM

I'm starting to think about ending things with RGuy again. But not in a desperate I-need-to-escape way. Maybe I'm just getting itchy feet. Or maybe I need to consider that this is not meant to be.

Maybe I love him, but I'm not in love with him. Whatever. If there's a difference. Maybe I'm just playing around with words here.

I can't live with him forever. I don't picture it in my head. But part of me doesn't want to be on my own. Maybe I won't be fished out of the market again. This is not a reason to stay with someone though. I see this. It's a fear of change. Especially since we've gotten so close. So used to each other.

Just thinking about it though. Finals are coming up. The holidays are coming up. And we've discussed briefly seeing each other during this time when we'll be in different towns again, like in the summer. And we've talked a lot about his birthday, and I was making these plans to throw him a party.

When would be a good time to do this?

This all feels premature. Is it just me getting restless, or is this for real the right thing to do? I need to think more.
1:32 AM

Monday, December 02, 2002

It's a protective mechanism left over from high school.
2:31 AM

I love it when guys have deep voices on the phone. RGuy has a deep voice. It's great. It's soothing.
2:23 AM

That guy. The one that I had a semi-crush on. The one I had a dream of.

I can't read him. It seems obvious, but I don't know if I trust that it's that simple. Appearances can be deceiving.

It's all too perfect.

He's so friendly. So nice. So attentive.

He's popular. Girls love him. Trust me, I know. I've heard the stories.

How does he not have a big head? How does his ego not take over?

I used to know a guy like him before. From high school. This one, when you talked to him, it seemed like he really payed attention. He did this thing, where he looked right at your eye when he spoke to you. Like you had his entire attention. Like he cared about everything you said.

Guys like that. Girls fall hard for them. Because they make them feel so special. It's not that easy. It can be creepy coming from the wrong guy. So all of you looking for flirting advice, don't try too hard to do this. You either got it or you don't.

So anyway, this past crush. He's got the same qualities. It's distracting. Are there other motivations? It's a bad idea to let it get to me.
2:20 AM

Sunday, December 01, 2002

Like today. I felt so alien talking to this girl, a good family friend of RGuy, who is our age and a pretty popular girl. I think she's nice and it'd be cool if we were friends. But I don't have much to say to her. Like we have nothing in common, though that's not really true. Not that we don't get along, and we don't have the occasional thing to say to eachother, but it's all surface stuff.

Maybe I just need more time to get comfortable around her. Maybe it's because I have preconceptions of her, and she used to intimidate me a little. Maybe I'm just too self-conscious. Hmmm.
9:37 PM

Mascara is a powerful thing.
6:09 PM