But... it would be unfair to ask for more security when there's already this huge imbalance in our relationship. Things are already balanced in my favour.

Things are unfair for him.

What scares me is the potential to hurt him. Cause I could.

Sometimes I get frustrated and I just want to throw the whole thing away.

I don't even want to call him tonight.
7:30 PM

I was reading the paper from home online today, and things out there are crazy.

I can't wait to get back out.

Being in a university town, it's like it's own little world. A bubble. Unaffected by things like the Norwalk virus. I had no clue about it til now. We are just unaffected here.

3 more days 3 more days.
10:43 AM

I had my nightly phone conversation with RGuy. And something was off. Maybe it's just my stress making me paranoid and jumpy. I don't know. Something just seemed wrong. Like the hint of annoyance or boredom in his voice. I tried to ask him what was up, but he said nothing was wrong.

But the idea of things changing makes me feel a little sick. It makes me want to run, it makes me want to stay. It makes me relieved for a way out, but it also makes me want nothing to change. To run back to the past. It makes me want to run before he can hurt me. Because I don't want to be hurt by anyone.
1:57 AM

Tuesday, December 17, 2002

I really can't wait to go home. It's gonna be crazy. I actually agreed to work back at my summer job for 2 weeks. I sorta regret it though. Oh well, it's extra money. My Dad will be back from Hong Kong. Cousins will be down from Montreal. House parties here and there...

I have plans... to sleep. To watch movies. To shop - hehe, boxing day will be big.

All I need to do is get through this one last exam.

3 more days...
1:03 AM